Friday, December 31, 2010


That's a lot of posts

As the IllCon Global Elite already know, we like to kick back and celebrate every 500 posts or so around here, taking a moment to pontificate on the wonderful, wacky universe that has been created herein over the course of the last two years and thirty days. Our last retrospective, ONE FUCKING THOUSAND, was published March 15, 2010, and its predecessor, The IC 500, hit the presses on May 15, 2009--how fitting that lucky post number 1,500 lands right square on New Year's Eve 2010. Anyhow, we need not spend any time fellating ourselves over the huge cultural impact IC has had on society at large, nor do we need to expend any unnecessary energy fist-bumping over the huge piles of cash and hot babes this blog has scored us. Suffice to say that WE'RE SUPER EXCITED, and a quick walk down memory lane, encompassing the high points of the last half-thousand posts, should be celebration enough.

IllCon came strong out of the gate right after post number 1,000, publishing the highly influential and Earth-shattering GLOM (Gorgeous Ladies of Metal) post on March 17. This post was written as a response to Revolver magazine's exceedingly patronizing "Hottest Chicks In Metal" yearly feature, showing that chicks have chops in the game, and that success in the metal genre doesn't always depend on cup size. I think our friend Generic Viagra summed it up pretty well in the comments section, when he claimed (and I quote):

"That is the real deal, no playing around with girls that are in the spotlight just because they are hot. That is not Metal, that's fashion with a riff. This is Metal for real and these bands simply kick ass.

Viagra Online Cheap Viagra"

Speaking of ladies in metal, Seanford followed up the GLOM post with a fascinating Blackholicus interview on March 18, in which he quizzed bassist/vocalist Margaret mercilessly on the mind-numbing minutae of everyday life in one of the NWOAHM's finest new bands.

The People Vs. Joey DeMaio (March 19) was some fucked up shit, and was immediately followed by further fucked up shit in the form of March 24th'sFrom Philly To Montauk post. Is the Montauk Monster indeed a multi-dimensional visitor from astral planes unknown?

Yes, of course. Don't be an idiot.

An old classic:

A new classic:

The Second Annual IC Coloring Contest (left) once again reared its ugly head on March 25, bringing in approximately 10 times the entries it did in Year One, many of them disturbing, all of them awesome. The results were published on April 1, and the winner was announced the next day (it was my nephew, whose entry is shown below). But even the most innocent contest can turn ugly in a heartbeat, and my failure to send Nephew Carlos his prize in a prompt fashion raised the ire of my sister, who hired a mercenary rapper to extract revenge. The saga closed months later, when I was thoroughly PWNT by Rap Master Maurice via voice message on September 13th. Harsh.

Speaking of controversy, who else remembers the hubbub that followed my post about Bobby Liebling (right) and his young, pregnant wife Hallie on March 28? Man, people got pissed about that. Good times.

The Goodkind's first post, The Forgotten Revolution, was published the following day, followed by Helm's epic Prog-Metal Interlude on April 2nd. Speaking of Bromantic Interludes...

BradethQ (Apr 5)
Mike Desert (Apr 9)
Phelpster (Apr 12) / (May 21)
Crankenstien (Apr 19)
Steven (Apr 26)
Aylmer (May 15)
Hell Crust (May 17)
Helm (7/19)
Wendy Stonehenge(10/10/10)
JGD (Dec 13)

The Manslaughter Devirginization happened on April 6, 2010.


We then interviewed Mike Scalzi, guitarist/vocalist for The Lord Weird Slough Feg, on April 20, and explored the wonders of grindcore ho-bag Cyco Eva the following day. That shit was brutal.

Two days after that, we tried to decide if Suffocation's Frank Mullen is emo, and a week and a half later we caught up with modern times via
Observations on the State of Modern Metal (May 4). Part 2 came on August 25.

BOOTY BASS, published on May 5, 2010, was a personal favorite of mine. Whose soul is so dead that they can't appreciate the exquisite intricasies of BOOTY BASS? Especially when it's coming out of the back of a mid-90's mini-truck? Not I.

IllCon participated in The Blair Blog Project on May 12, reviewing the Leslie Nielsen/Linda Blair classic Repossessed! in the process. We thank Mr. Goodkind for our inclusion.

Yachtmystium (May 12) was wacky fun, but things soon got somber with the death of IC Hero Ronnie James Dio on May 16. Our reactions to the passing of a heavy metal icon can be found here,here. and here.

June 7, 2010: NPR reads IC? (It's true, and so does Stephen Colbert.)

June 16, 2010: David Icke Mega-Post. The IC/Reptoid saga continues...

Question: Are Parrotheads Worse Than Juggalos? (June 17)

No matter which side of the fence you're on in regards to the Juggalo-Parrothead controversy, I'm pretty sure we can all agree that Hipsters Can't Name Bands For Shit (July 1).

On July 4, IllCon asked for requests. These were the results:

- Genesis P-Orridge
- Short Songs
- Music Movies
- Future Sportz (Aylmer)
- Total Copout

Local metal goodies! S(ean)F(ord) 0n SF: Saros, Walken, Grayceon, Champs & Cretaceous!

Manslaughter on SF: Giant Squid, MS on BA, MS on BA, Round 2.

Cobras: SC on SF.

All of the fuss about San Francisco's metal scene was followed by a quick departure to Austin, Texas, as Seanford introduced us to the History of Fancy Metal (July 11).

The Thing That Should Not Be arrived on August 18th. The universe trembled.

Oh, and for the record, THIS DOES NOT COUNT AS A POST.

We were introduced to the technicolor douchery of Burning Dan on August 23, 2010, and were genuinely saddened to hear of his death less than a month and a half later. RIP Burning Dan. You might have been a douche, but it seemed like you were at least a nice douche.
Has anyone else noticed that all the cool people are dying? Captain Beefheart, Dio, Swayze, Gary Coleman, Cory Haim. What gives? I guess some folks are just too good for this Earthly plane. Speaking of death and sadness...

Schultz arrived on August 29th, 2010. The universe cowered in fear.


Things have remained strange and fascinating here in IllCon land recently, as we've checked in with our favorite reader Generic Viagra not once (10/15), but twice (Dec 20). It's almost TOO MUCH stimulation!

Cory brought us some extremely HARSH VIBES on October 28, and the conspiracy deepened with the New Mexican Alien-CIA Lazer Battle 1979 on November 18.

The Goodkind was nice enough to invite us back for Kotto Week on November 19, and IllCon obliged with a detailed post about the insurmountably amazing Yaphet Kotto/Gary Busey star vehicle Eye of The Tiger. Hopefully we'll see more collaborative film blogging in the future.

Bullshit For Shitty Boy (11/21) was a fine venue for me to express my rage. I'm glad you all felt it too.

But nothing, and I mean nothing, could have prepared me for the reaction to what happened on December 6: HOLOCAUST! Seriously, that shit was fucked up. Who knew that having opinions on the internet was so frowned upon, and could get you in so much trouble? It was SO bad, in fact, that I had to return to make amends on December 9: APOLOGY. I guess I'm still learning the proverbial ropes, eh?






Let's end it right there, with what might possibly be the most inspiring image ever seen on this blog (or elsewhere).

I thank you all for your continued patronage. Let's talk again at 2,000.



Will Towles said...

Congratulations and Happy New Year. That's right, I'm home on NYE, waiting for more generic Death Metal. Now stop the back slapping a serve it up!

Will Towles said...

and serve it up...

Anonymous said...

Good job Cobras. You're OK even though you hate Exodus.

Ambassador MAGMA said...

My mind WOULD be blown except for the fact that THE EARTH WAS BRUISED BY RAYS FROM ANOTHER DIMENSION. I think their Miami Bass Machine may be more powerful than ours...

Shelby Cobras said...

Hey man, THEY started it.

By sucking.

Shelby Cobras said...

Exodus, I mean.

Aylmer said...

"Hipsters Can't Name Bands For Shit" is still one of my favourite posts here ever. I'd love to see a follow up to that one Cobras. And happy new year etc.

Helm said...

and a happy new year to all.

Manslaughter said...

I love it when people say "Stay Metal" or "Keep it Metal". I'm just gonna say "Don't be NOT Metal Ill Con!!!"

Nekromantis said...

Keep it... non-soft!

Steven said...

Hail, IllCon. Still the best.

Word verification: hadmen


Reginald said...

I remember that stuff. That was rad.