Above: George Jefferson Starship Troopers, also coming soon from Illogical Pictures, Inc.
Before Julie And Julia, before I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell (Del Tigre LOVED that movie, PS), before the marriage of blog and film had even been dreamt of by anyone in Hollywoodland, one man stood and said it could be done. That man was ignored, shunned, left behind as others claimed his idea -- and profited.
That man was me.
On February 6, 2009, I pitched a film version of Illogical Contraption to the public at large. Aptly titled Illogical Contraption: The Movie, it was a tale of love, hope, tragedy, and woe, set against a backdrop of secret-society intrigue, epic battles, and the destruction of a fictional particle accelerator. Also, there were lazer-equipped dinosaurs.
But, alas, there were no takers. It's been upwards of fourteen months since my first prophetic vision, and IllCon has grown, matured, and grown hair in strange places. It's time to talk movie crossover again. The potential is out there, Potential Investor and/or Producer, and it is HUGE. This could be the biggest thing to hit the blogosphere in WEEKS, and I'd like you all to take part in the spoils. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you ILLOGICAL CONTRAPTION II: BATTLE AT THE EDGE OF TIME!!! (I realize that calling it "II" is a little silly, as "Part 1" never got made. But Hollywood will be dying to talk prequels soon enough.)
In case you're too lazy to click back and check out IC Part 1, let me quickly summarize. The story is based around a musician/blogbro named Kirby Serpents (portrayed by Bruce Campbell, who coincidentally looks a lot like ME), who is one day, through some sort of fluctuation in the space-time continuum, transported digitally into his own blog (which is coincidentally called Illogical Contraption). After a violent and dangerous introduction to this strange and cryptic world, Serpents meets a mysterious, unicorn-riding warrior princess named Sweet Baby Jay, who introduces him to a cast of anthropomorphic barbarians known as the LDDD (League of Dynamic Digital Discord). This renegade battle troop is fighting a war against a shadow organization known as the UOAI (Universal Order of the Architeuthis Infernalis), who are led by the evil godhead Brimley-Cthulhu and are comprised of mostly squid, jellyfish, and various other ilk of cephalopod.
Below: Brimley/Dagon/Cthulhu -- the uncanny resemblance...
Left: Sweet Baby Jay's doppelganger, Cobra's Baroness (old school only, please).
Brimley's legions are constructing The Shadow Collider, which is the blogosphere's evil twin version of the Large Hadron Collider. Once complete, it will allow them to pass through a Stargate-esque portal into the "real" world, where they will enslave all humanity. Kirby can't let that happen.
So using his deep and profound knowledge of all things Illogical, he outwits the UOAI (with the help of now-love-interest Sweet Baby Jay), passing back through the portal to reality just before the Shadow Collider is destroyed. As a bonus twist, Jay and all the bestial warriors of the LDDD are transported back to the real world as well, where they are welcomed as heroes (the public had been watching the drama unfold via Serpents' blog). Earth saved. Story over, right?
Battle At The Edge of Time picks up approximately where Part 1 left off, with Serpents & Co. being worshipped as international heroes. Kirby, Jay, lycanthropic comedy-relief provider Steve Dog (analogous to IC Writer Cory, played in the film by Jack Black), part-shark warrior Amazon princess/cougar Manslaughter (played by Lucy Lawless or maybe Katherine Heigl), and part-tiger jock-poet Del Tigre (played by Jude Law in the last film but replaced by a beefier Vin Diesel in Part 2) are living lives of comfort and luxury, basking in the adoration of a thankful public. But the action comes FAST, and it comes HARD.
I have two words for you, Potential Investor: SPACE JUGGALOS!
That's right. Out of nowhere come a legion of killer clowns from outer space, toppling landmarks and destroying buildings. THERE'S MAGIC EVERYWHERE UP IN THIS BITCH!
Below: "Attack of the Space Juggalos!" (artist's interpretation)
Without hesitation, The President of the Universe (played by Donald Gibb) springs into action, calling upon Serpents and the IC Heroes to fight back against the Space Juggalo threat. The team of five soon becomes nine, as they are joined by a band of bloodthirsty Space Marines to ensure their victory. These four Marines are as follows: Lt. Peters is a young, battle-weary Hessian with a personal score to settle against the Juggalos (played by Furio from The Sopranos, duh). Captain Jack is a heavily-armed Midwesterner and explosives expert (played by, I dunno, Paul Scheer?). Sergeant Sinensis is a quiet, mysterious barbarian-sorceress, the extent of her powers unknown to the rest of the crew (played by the same actress who portrayed "Private Vasquez" in Alien). Private Heckler is just a dick. He can play himself. (There's another Space Marine, too: Ensign Asa, who pledges his sword to the battle but never actually shows up, for some reason.)
This crew of mismatched warriors loads up into an artificial-intelligence-piloted warship called the USS Cosmic Hearse (anyone familiar with Iain M. Banks' Culture series knows that AI-captained starships tend to name themselves with a dash of humor) and heads for space. One more thing: the computerized ship pilot goes only by the name Goodkind, and communicates solely through obscure movie quotes (the potential for humorous catchphrases is mind-boggling).
The Hearse and its crew beat back the Juggalo scourge immediately, in an epic, colorful, and violent space battle (see below). The Space Juggalos retreat, pursued by the IllCon/Space Marine team.
Below: "Space Battle!" (artist's rendition)
But this story is just beginning.
After weeks of exhausting battle with the Space Juggalos, the IllCon Marines finally declare victory and head back to Earth. All contact with Mission Control has been lost, and when the Hearse finally re-enters the atmosphere, our protagonists are greeted with hostile fire, originating from some sort of strange, concussive weapon located in Alaska. Confused and panicked, their ship's engines disabled, the crew plummets back to Earth.
They crash land somewhere in Switzerland, and it becomes immediately apparent that the the Earth has suffered some sort of violent cataclysm in their absence. The landscape is ravaged and burnt, and populated by weird, reptilian Juggalo zombie creatures.
Right: The rare Shapeshifting Reptilian Juggalo, photographed in its natural habitat.
The crew must fight for their survival, and through a series of gory battles and encounters with friendly refugees (among them a perpetually stoned mountain wizard, a mad, swamp-dwelling Arab, a Grecian centaur from Alpha Centauri, and a young Satanic geologist) the protagonists learn of Earth's sad fate.
It is revealed that while the IllCon Marines were busy battling the mysterious Juggalo invasion in deep space, a secret society of shapeshifting reptilian Nazis from the center of the Earth rose up and wiped out mankind, enslaving the survivors and sending the few remaining free men into hiding. All has been lost, and the smoldering ashes of a post-apocalyptic society are ruled by a nefarious, autocratic, and largely invisible horde of malevolent lizard-men. Fuck.
On the brink of despair, our heroes retreat to the ruins of the Large Hadron Collider to gather their thoughts and resources. It is here that they encounter the mad scientist Professor Seanford (Keanu Reeves?). Living in fear and seclusion, this brilliant, semi-nomadic ex-physicist sheds further light on the story...
Professor Seanford has studied the reptilian Nazi overlords closely, and knows many of their secrets. They derive their mysterious mind-control powers from a giant, luminescent crystal at the center of the planet (above), a crystal made from a magical compound called, um, cubic zirconiunobtainium. This crystal is guarded by an enormous, horrific monster (closely resembling a super-sized Montauk Monster) and is accessible only by portals at the North and South Poles.
But the revelations don't end there: The Professor is also working on a time machine, whose construction is based on the cryptic formulas behind the Philadelphia Experiment. His goal is to save the world by travelling back to the time before the Space Juggalo invasion/reptilian Nazi takeover to warn the public. Here's the catch: He needs a shard of pure cubic zirconiunobtainium to make his machine work, and the only specimen in existence is the one under heavy guard at the center of the Earth.
The Professor has another bomb to drop, too: BRIMLEY/CTHULHU HIMSELF IS THE HEAD OF THE SHAPESHIFTING NAZI ZOMBIE REPTILIAN JUGGALO FORCES! He followed Serpents and the IllCon Team, undetected, through the Shadow Portal in Part 1, and the Space Juggalo invasion was all part of his diabolical plan to take over the world! Knowing Serpents and the IC Team were the only ones with wit and power enough to stop him, Brimley sent them to deep space chasing Juggalos so he could team up with the Hollow Earth/Nazi Reptile shadow government to enslave the world! Holy shit!
Professor Seanford, Captain Serpents, and the IllCon Marines quickly formulate a plan.
Using the firepower of the newly-repaired Cosmic Hearse, the team will assault Brimley/Dagon/Cthulhu's stronghold at the Earth's hollow core, battling through legions of Garthim (left) and past the giant Montauk Monster to chip a shard of cubic zirconiunobtainium from the Nazi Reptoid Mind-Crystal. Once the shard has been obtained, the Professor will insert it in the fuel receptacle of his time machine, which they will then use to travel to the past and destroy the Large Hadron Collider before the evil mastermind Brimley can pass through. It's a plan so crazy it just might work, and the survival of the entire Earth is at stake. (Cue bow-chugging.)
Right: In this picture, stuntman Bobby Liebling is shown enacting the dramatic Removal of the Shard.
The assault is mounted immediately, and the IllCon Team soon passes through the Polar aperture and heads for the center of the world. What follows is a blindingly visceral lazer battle beneath the Earth's crust, reminiscent of both the Millenium Falcon's trip to the center of the Death Star and Thor's epic battle against Cronos in the pages of Kerrang!
The Hearse soon finds itself face-to-face with the Mind-Crystal, the Montauk Monster, and Brimleythulhu himself. But the evil overlord has a surprise waiting...
Before the IllCon Marines can steal the shard and travel through time, they must defeat a series of genetically mutated creatures created by the mad godhead, beasts so gruesome that simply looking at them could be fatal. Three of these hybrid mutants appear, and the abominations are named thusly: Jack Black And White, Gary Oldman-Numan, and Mr. T-Pain (I told you guys it was all for a reason -- those were PREVIEWS!).
The IC Team quickly splits up, Steve Dog and Captain Jack fighting (fittingly) against Jack Black And White, Manslaughter and Lt. Peters fighting Mr. T-Pain, and Sgt. Sinensis using black magic while Private Heckler slings insults at Gary Oldman-Numan. Del Tigre and Sweet Baby Jay team up to slay the immense Monster, while Serpents pursues Brimley-Cthulhu into a series of dark and foreboding caverns.
Amidst all the confusion, Professor Seanford springs into action, chipping off a shard of The Crystal and inserting it into his time machine. The IllCon Marines quickly beat their retreat to their spaceship, the surface, and the Large Hadron Collider, with Brimley and his beasts in tow.
Below: Dagon-Brimley and The Montauk Monster wage their unholy war within the confines of the Large Hadron Collider.
The fight within the ruins of the LHC is epic in scope, with massive amounts of explosions, decapitations, and flying limbs aplenty. The IllCon Marines are close to defeat, but at the last minute a surprising cameo appearance by a powerful hero saves them: THIS CHICK!
Seanford's time machine finally sputters to life, and the IC Team escapes to the past to destroy the Large Hadron Collider.
They arrive at just the right time, moments after they themselves passed through but moments before Brimley did (see Part 1). All is not lost!
But how to properly destroy this immense contraption? Easy: Serpents was hiding a Higgs boson in his pocket all along. KA-BOOM!
The film ends with the confused, bloody, and exhausted IC Team standing face-to-face with their past selves, who have just travelled through the LHC time-portal. Oh, shit -- a TEMPORAL PARADOX! How will our heroes resolve this one?
To be continued, of course, in another Illogical Pictures production:
ILLOGICAL CONTRAPTION III: PARTY ON PLANET MINDFUCK!!!
Of course, we tie the whole production in with the prerequisite Captain Power-esque interactive toy line, as well as an IC RPG for the "cool" kids. Maybe we could even talk Slough Feg into doing some sort of Queen/Falsh Gordon-ish rock opera/soundtrack. This is a story that needs to be told, Potential Investor and/or Producer, and money just waiting to be made.
Think about it. This story has everything: Space Juggalos! Time travel! Space travel! Romance! Heavy metal! Garthim! Apocalypse! Luminescent mind-crystals! Reptilian shapeshifting Nazi zombies! How could it be any worse than I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell?
Hollywood: I await your offers.
Up next: Illogical Contraption: The Novelization?