Saturday, January 31, 2009



Einjerher is a Norwegian band, formed in 1993, that plays pure fucking VIKING METAL, the type of shit that pounds in your head as you storm into battle astride the mighty steed Sleipnir, battle axe in hand, to cut down your foes in a blaze of bloody rage. Heavily influenced by the folk music of their native country, Einherjer's sound is the definition of HEAVY, slow and plodding at times but always intense and full of malice. Download the album and ride into combat with Einherjer, for your final destination will be either Victory or Valhalla. Either way you win! Odin commands it to be so!

Download HERE


"Blot" is by far Einherjer's best album thus far (don't get me wrong, "Odin Owns Ye All" is great too), showing their progress over the preceding decade. It sort of sounds like the singer's balls finally dropped on this album, the vocals are much fuller and harsher here than on any other release. The music on "Blot" has grown quite a bit too, every riff is a fist-pumping, chest-beating ode to Crom, groove-y without being corny. This album is somewhere between Dethklok and Emperor, a simple, crunchy head-banger with unmistakable Norse roots. The intro, "Einheriermarsien", all Conan-esque symphonies and crying eagles, sets the tone perfectly for this Viking march to war, and the rest of the disc never lets up, pummeling its enemies and stoking the Faithful. Brutal.

Download HERE

Friday, January 30, 2009


Yep. Garbage Pail Kids. I found a website with a gallery of ALL of 'em, but I'm a nice guy, so I went through and just picked out the best ones. Only a dozen here, but I'll post more later. I accidentally put this up before it was finished last night, and immediately received two comments. One person wanted to know if Illogical Contraption had DEVOLVED so far that I had to resort to posting pictures of Garbage Pail Kids. The other one wanted to know if i had EVOLVED to that point. The answer to both questions is yes, yes I have. Thank you and sorry.

Trailer for the GPK movie (1987), the only other film anywhere near "The Phantom Menace" in the race for Worst Fucking Movie Ever:


Here's something that just showed up today on the sweet Action Direct blog. Watch the clip, and breathe a deep sigh of relief. Not all hope is gone for humanity.


In the spirit of that last post, here's some tangible proof that Black Metal can be ridiculous and awesome at the same time. Take a look at that band photo down there. 3 things become immediately apparent. A) From Forgotten Being live with their parents. B) From Forgotten Being has WAY too much time on their hands. C) From Forgotten Being takes this shit WAY too seriously.
That being said, this is a great Metal album, solid from start to finish and pretty well produced despite its low-budget appeal. I guess that's kinda what makes Metal so rad, the fact that you can get a chuckle out of it while simultaneously banging your head. Look at Gwar, Dethklok, or Devin Townsend for further proof.
I'm sure that these two Mexican teenagers would disagree and insist that From Forgotten Being is super-serious and evil and all, but I guess I'm just getting too old for all that crap. I wanna ROCK, I wanna PARTY, and I wanna have a good laugh. Luckily, this album is good for all three.

Download HERE


Yeah, I know. EVERYONE and their Grandma has written about how silly Black Metal is. But it's Friday, and I'm out of ideas. Sorry. I'll try harder next week.

PS: Just a reminder to go see Dalton with The Grannies and The Fast Takers tomorrow night (Saturday) at Bender's. TRUE Black Metal brutality!!!

Above: Dude from Waitan rocks the "I just ate six Sloppy Joes and then got sick all over myself" look. I bet all the ladies totally want to smooch it to him after the set. Hottness.

Above: A less traditional take on the Black Metal band photo, courtesy of Norway's M Eternal. Corpsepaint has been replaced with understated eye makeup, and spikes and leather replaced with dapper suspenders. Very postmodern.
Below: A completely traditional take on the Black Metal band photo. All you aspiring Black Metallers take note. This is what EVERY band picture should look like.

Then there's stuff like this:

Below: Rob Darken, notoriously racist/Nationalist member of Poland's Graveland. Boots courtesy of Dustin Hoffman in "Hook".

Dear Diary:

"Their art of death is infernal,
like their life eternal.
See the castle so proud,
but yet so grey and cold.

Grey and cold.
Grey and cold."

Below: "All" and "It" of Vondur and Abruptum. I really like this one because it looks like they're huddled together under the sheets with a flashlight, trying not to wake Mom and Dad. I bet they sleep on bunk beds, too. And on Saturdays, Father takes them to the city in the new Prius, to go shopping for sneakers. EVIL sneakers.

Above and below: Examples of last Summer's hottest look, Suburban Black Metal. Unfortunately, all these kids abandon the scythes, swords, and corpsepaint as soon as they discover World of Warcraft and porn. Too bad.

Above: Horgh and Abbath from Immortal try their hand at a baseball-themed band photo. As Abbath slides into home base, Horgh screams, "YEEEEERRR OOOOUUUT!!!". Kudos to these guys for at least trying to bridge the age-old gap between Jock and Nerd factions.

Left: Galder from Dimmu Borgir and Old Man's Child. No caption needed.

Above: Stian Aarstad, keyboard player for Dimmu Borgir. A sad example of how his bandmate Galder's "bald, white, bug-eyed dude" look can go horribly wrong with the addition of a half-cape and top hat.
Below: The Stian Aarstad Fan Club, a sad example of how the "Stian Aarstad" look can go horribly wrong with the addition of a heavy Insane Clown Posse influence.

Below: Finally, someone else noticed what I pointed out a long time ago. Namely, that Zartan (Cobra villain and Dreadnok liasion) is totally Black Metal.

And last but definitely not least, the BEST Black Metal video EVER, Immortal's "Call of The Wintermoon":

Thursday, January 29, 2009


Apparently, Muppets + Bad Editing + Death Metal = Hilarity.


Beaker and The Electric Mayhem cover Cryptopsy:

Ernie and Bert go Grindcore:

Animal fucking KILLS it double bass style:

Cookie Monster does "Cookie Monster vocals":

And finally, something else completely unrelated to anything. Just because:


Gentle Giant were a great UK prog rock band active from 1970-1980. Comprised of five multi-intrumentalists, their neoclassical/hard rock sound is often accompanied by violin, clarinet, or any number of other odd instruments (a later album listed 46 instruments played by the same 5 members). Sometimes medieval, sometimes jazzy, but always interesting, Gentle Giant never shied away from a heavy riff, as evidenced by the opening track on this, their 1970 debut album. They even toured with Sabbath in 1973, but were generally a little too esoteric for hard-rockin' Ozzy fans. I guess they never really found their niche, but they're a Hell of a band, trippy-dippy psychedelia and all.

Download HERE


Akin to the Seagrave Vs. Repka post I did a while back, here's another Awesome Artist Face-Off, this time pitting two fantasy/sci-fi masters, Boris Vallejo and Frank Frazetta, against each other in a bare-knuckled brawl to the death. Examples of the art of each contender will be shown, with a brief analysis and artist profile. Enjoy!

Right: Boris Vallejo

Born: January 8, 1941 in Lima, Peru

Currently resides: Allentown, Pennsylvania

Known for: Began his career with Sword and Sorcery-type stuff, heavy on the Fantasy elements. More recently Vallejo has become more involved with "erotica" and naked barbarian chicks. Often collaborates with wife Julie Bell. Frequently produces magazine covers, paintings, calendars, and the occasional movie poster.

Above: A Vallejo sketch documenting his obsession with scantily-clad women riding monsters.
Below: Hip-hop centaurs, apparently.

Above and below: Boris does like the ladies. Yes he does.

Above: Certain bands have been known to appropriate Vallejo's artwork (without permission) for flyers. Shame on them.

Below: A very Frazetta-esque Vallejo.

Below: Vallejo's first movie poster, for 1968's "Barbarella".

Above and below: Well done, Boris. Plus 10 points.

Below: Boris shows his sense of humor, spoofing himself on the "Aqua Teen Hunger Force" movie poster.

Below: The best painting EVER.

Awesome Vallejo tribute/montage (music by James Horner):

Left: Frank Frazetta (self-portrait)

Born: February 9, 1928 in Brooklyn, NY

Currently resides: On a 67-acre estate in the Pocono Mountains of Pennsylvania

Known for: Started out working on comic books and covers of pulp novels. His art has been used on several album covers and calendars. Claims his brutal barbarian imagery was inspired by actual events from his youth, scrapping in the streets of Brooklyn. Produced a 1983 animated film, "Fire And Ice", based on his designs, and was also the subject of a 2003 documentary film, "Frazetta: Painting With Fire". Has also dabbled in movie posters.

Above: A fine example of classic Frazetta barbarian imagery.

Above and below: Sweet rockers Molly Hatchet used both of these paintings for record covers at some point.

Below: Rock 'n' rollers Dust used this one on the cover of their 1972 album, "Hard Attack".

Below: Did you know Frazetta painted the "Mad Max" movie poster? Cuz he did.

Above: Art for the 1977 Clint Eastwood classic "The Gauntlet".
Below: Poster from the 1967 Roman Polanski film "The Fearless Vampire Killers". Awesome art, Awesome movie.

Above: Rad Nazareth album cover. Plus 10 points.
Below: Wolfmother used Frazetta's art on their self-titled debut album. Minus 10 points.

Trailer for "Fire And Ice" (RULES):

Trailer for "Painting With Fire":

The results: Gotta give it to Frazetta, just for being way more METAL. Vallejo's stuff rules, but ventures a little too far into the realm of jerk-off material. Plus he kind of looks like a child molester.