Indie-Rock Hipsters SUCK At Naming Bands

Hipsters: Is there anything they can't do?

Answer: Yes. They can't name a band to save their life.

Does it make me a hipster to claim that I hate hipsters? Because I hate hipsters. Is that classic Heisenberg Principle? Am I affecting the dialogue by observing it? Is that making the conversation too "meta"? Isn't "meta" a classic hipster concept? DID I JUST BLOW YOUR MIND?
Whatevs. Hipsterism (see also: Indie-rock-ism) is a slippery slope. I get a good (intentional) chuckle from Look At This Fucking Hipster (I also stumbled across a porn site called Look At This Hipster Fucking when Googling the aforementioned, but that's a different story altogether), as well as finding (unintentional) humor in the self-righteous finger-pointing and "it's casual" artsiness of Vice Magazine. But that's beside the point. We're here to talk about the innate inabilty to name a band decently that all indie rock hipsters share. They suck at it. It's hilarious.
Here are 5 examples of hipster/indie/electro/whatever bands whose mere names throw me into blind fits of unending rage. Or whatever.


5) TV ON THE RADIO

I actually dug their first album and a couple songs off their second one. But they're garbage now, putting their tunes on video game soundtracks and Nike commercials. Their last record jumped the proverbial shark. Did anyone see them on SNL? Yikes.
But this post is not meant to offer commentary on their music. It's about band names. And I'm truly sorry, TV On The Radio, but your band name is TERRIBLE. Truly. Band Legos be damned.

4) CASIOTONE FOR THE PAINFULLY ALONE

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA YOU FUCKING IDIOT.


3) DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE

JUST LOOK AT THIS FUCKING TURD.

Look at those little curls on his forehead. Look at his dead, soulless little eyes.

You have NO RIGHT to use the word "death" in your name, Death Cab For Cutie.
That's OUR word. OUR WORD.

Now go back to writing dead, soulless emopop for impotent anime nerds. You fuckers.

Hipster yak.


2) SO SO MANY WHITE WHITE TIGERS

This band is utter shite. I remember the San Francisco Hipster Media predicting that they would be the "next big thing" about four years ago. I wonder whatever happened with that?
Seriously, five bucks if you go to their Myspace page and manage to sit through more than 30 seconds of "music". My ass makes more appealing sounds after a one-hour stint at the Chinese buffet.

More like SO SO MANY WHITE WHITE HIPSTERS, amirite?!

Apparently, people liked this band because the singer chick would, like, lay around on stage a lot.


1) THE UNICORNS

Okay, so it wasn't supposed to be about music. But musically speaking, The Unicorns might be my LEAST favorite band (musically speaking) of all time. Their twee, pathetic little quote unquote pop songs are the antithesis of ROCK, the ultimate soundtrack to a life of of self-conscious self-absorption and resulting FAILURE. FUCK, I HATE THEM SO MUCH.
They even attempted to create their own "hybrid" genre at one point, indie rock-hip-hop. Seriously! Assholes.
Luckily, this piece of shit broke up, although the main dude went on to form "Islands" (check out their Myspace for a couple solid belly laughs). They suck too.
Naming your band "THE (anything)S" is always a bad move, and is especially enraging when indie rockers do it (see also: The Strokes, The Killers, The Shins, The Ettes, etc. etc.). But "THE UNICORNS" just has an extra dimension of "shitty" added to it, you know? Let the power metal dudes have the unicorns. Call your band something more appropriate, like the Diarrhea-Face Taintlicker Suck Patrol.

Sorry, just needed to get that off my chest. We will now resume programming as scheduled.

This is a picture of my new electropop/indie/breakcore band So So Many White White Painfully Alone Unicorns For Cutie On The Radio. Buy our record or whatever.