Thursday, July 1, 2010

Indie-Rock Hipsters SUCK At Naming Bands

Hipsters: Is there anything they can't do?

Answer: Yes. They can't name a band to save their life.

Does it make me a hipster to claim that I hate hipsters? Because I hate hipsters. Is that classic Heisenberg Principle? Am I affecting the dialogue by observing it? Is that making the conversation too "meta"? Isn't "meta" a classic hipster concept? DID I JUST BLOW YOUR MIND?
Whatevs. Hipsterism (see also: Indie-rock-ism) is a slippery slope. I get a good (intentional) chuckle from Look At This Fucking Hipster (I also stumbled across a porn site called Look At This Hipster Fucking when Googling the aforementioned, but that's a different story altogether), as well as finding (unintentional) humor in the self-righteous finger-pointing and "it's casual" artsiness of Vice Magazine. But that's beside the point. We're here to talk about the innate inabilty to name a band decently that all indie rock hipsters share. They suck at it. It's hilarious.
Here are 5 examples of hipster/indie/electro/whatever bands whose mere names throw me into blind fits of unending rage. Or whatever.


5) TV ON THE RADIO



I actually dug their first album and a couple songs off their second one. But they're garbage now, putting their tunes on video game soundtracks and Nike commercials. Their last record jumped the proverbial shark. Did anyone see them on SNL? Yikes.
But this post is not meant to offer commentary on their music. It's about band names. And I'm truly sorry, TV On The Radio, but your band name is TERRIBLE. Truly. Band Legos be damned.




4) CASIOTONE FOR THE PAINFULLY ALONE


HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA YOU FUCKING IDIOT.


3) DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE




JUST LOOK AT THIS FUCKING TURD.

Look at those little curls on his forehead. Look at his dead, soulless little eyes.

You have NO RIGHT to use the word "death" in your name, Death Cab For Cutie.
That's OUR word. OUR WORD.

Now go back to writing dead, soulless emopop for impotent anime nerds. You fuckers.


Hipster yak.


2) SO SO MANY WHITE WHITE TIGERS



This band is utter shite. I remember the San Francisco Hipster Media predicting that they would be the "next big thing" about four years ago. I wonder whatever happened with that?
Seriously, five bucks if you go to their Myspace page and manage to sit through more than 30 seconds of "music". My ass makes more appealing sounds after a one-hour stint at the Chinese buffet.

More like SO SO MANY WHITE WHITE HIPSTERS, amirite?!


Apparently, people liked this band because the singer chick would, like, lay around on stage a lot.


1) THE UNICORNS




Okay, so it wasn't supposed to be about music. But musically speaking, The Unicorns might be my LEAST favorite band (musically speaking) of all time. Their twee, pathetic little quote unquote pop songs are the antithesis of ROCK, the ultimate soundtrack to a life of of self-conscious self-absorption and resulting FAILURE. FUCK, I HATE THEM SO MUCH.
They even attempted to create their own "hybrid" genre at one point, indie rock-hip-hop. Seriously! Assholes.
Luckily, this piece of shit broke up, although the main dude went on to form "Islands" (check out their Myspace for a couple solid belly laughs). They suck too.
Naming your band "THE (anything)S" is always a bad move, and is especially enraging when indie rockers do it (see also: The Strokes, The Killers, The Shins, The Ettes, etc. etc.). But "THE UNICORNS" just has an extra dimension of "shitty" added to it, you know? Let the power metal dudes have the unicorns. Call your band something more appropriate, like the Diarrhea-Face Taintlicker Suck Patrol.



Sorry, just needed to get that off my chest. We will now resume programming as scheduled.


This is a picture of my new electropop/indie/breakcore band So So Many White White Painfully Alone Unicorns For Cutie On The Radio. Buy our record or whatever.

15 comments:

Gary said...

you are my hero, cobras!

SEANFORD said...

fuck that yak

Ambassador MAGMA said...

In my Autumnal SF days, I was at a bar and this drunk guy grabs Liza and goes "So so so so sososososos [breath] SO so so soso sososososoo so so so [breath] SO SO so so so so so so soso so... who gives a fuck?" It was hysterical!

SEANFORD said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
gooniestorm said...

i fucking HATED so so many white white hipsters, that's totally what i used to call them. they would always be on bills with the edgier queerfreakpunk bands i'm friends with, like floating corpses and leper sex killer, and i'd have to sit through their UNLISTENABLE garbage AND watch that dumb cunt liza constantly try to schmooze it up to anyone with cocaine or a mustache. that chick is one of the fakest people i have ever had the displeasure of knowing, seriously. and she has ugly tits. how often are you in a room with a chick and wish she'd just put her fucking tits away?

Shelby Cobras said...

I think that if a hipster band actually had the sack to market their music as "hipster music" it might be the biggest revolution to ever happen in rock music. Like, if some of these idiots actually managed to lift the million-ton curtain of denial they've managed to enshroud themselves in and just say "I'm a hipster", the whole universe might collapse.

put your tits away, jason

Spookywolffe said...

Bless your fucking heart for calling these lame asses on the carpet. However, ETERNAL CURSES to you for inspiring my curiosity enough to sit thru a few seconds of a fucking Islands song. Must listen to some Danko Jones to cleanse my ears!

Mister Booze said...

That guy in your band on the left looks like Dave Foley. Wait is that Dave Foley? I don't recognize any of the other guys from Kids in the Hall...

What?

Anonymous said...

FYI- Death Cab For Cutie is the name of the song Bonzo Dog Band performs in The Beatles' Magical Tour movie.

Aylmer said...

It's about time we had a dose of anti-hipster hate and rage on here. They've infected Sydney so badly. I actually think this must be one of the hipster ground-zero cities of the world. Fuck them and fuck Vice mag. I've never heard of so so many shite shite tigers, but that name makes me want to punch everything.

Thanks for this Shelby, even if it has filled my morning with HATE.

QUESTION: in SF do their stupid bikes look they came from the future??

Shelby Cobras said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H63FivObTLM

You'd think the last thing anyone would want in a hill-infested city like SF is a fixed-gear bike. But they're fucking EVERYWHERE. With stupid pink rims and no brakes and scarved shitheads perched precariously atop them. You have no idea.
Even if you think you have an idea, you have no idea.

BradethQ said...

The Death Cab thing made me laugh heartily (out loud!), then my wife asked what the fuck was so funny, then I showed her and she laughed as well. 2 for 1!

Manslaughter said...

Hipsters have taken two things I love in a man and made them so so bad.
Beards and flannels. FUCK YOU HIPSTERS!
I used to play with So So Many Horrible Songs a lot, and this one time Liza hit her face on the ground and one of her front teeth flew out. Then all these stupid sluts started like, blacking out their teeth it was redick.

Anonymous said...

HANDS DOWN THE MOST PATHETIC FAN BLOG! UNREADABLE. TRUCK STOP RESTROOMS STALLS HAVE BETTER JOURNALISM, PURE SHIT. GET DEAD.

Shelby Cobras said...

^^^ Haircut Guy from Death Cab For Cutie