Friday, March 19, 2010

THE PEOPLE vs. JOEY DeMAIO: The Case of The Aborted Bass-Solo Somersault

The prosecution presents Exhibit A: Joey DeMaio and Manowar performing "Sting of the Bumblebee" live, 1989.

Impressive, to be sure. DeMaio's bass-facing is at its lip-twitching finest, and his nimble and dextrous fingers are moving with a speed and agility previously unheard of in the metal kingdom. Manowar's performance is nothing short of gripping, due mostly to the barbaric talent of their burly bassist.
But all is not well here.
Please refer to the 2:25 mark in this video, at which point Mr. DeMaio attempts his signature Bass-Solo Somersault.

fig. 1

fig. 2

(I've been told that squiggly red lines are a good way to indicate pain.)

Mr. DeMaio fails to complete the backwards bass-solo somersault on the first try for obvious reasons. He has injured his back. He does complete it on the second try, but it is fairly certain at this point that he is in great pain.
Does DeMaio have grounds for legal action? Indeed.
Who do we hold responsible? Certainly not Mr. DeMaio. He is but a performer, entertaining an audience with over-the top stage antics. Responsiblity for compensation in treating his lower back injuries falls squarely on the nightclub, whose faulty stage construction led to this aborted bass-solo somersault travesty in the first place! Mr. DeMaio is the victin here, and deserves reimbursement for both medical bills and mental suffering.


The defense presents Exhibit B: Cronos and Venom performing "Seven Gates of Hell" (+ extended bass solo) live, 1985.

Right: Mantas, clad in his ceremonial black metal gi, beckons to the crowd - "Hush, something of great importance is about to occur."

Venom bassist Cronos is surely a master of complex execution and conceptual music theory, as evidenced by the lengthy (and highly orchestrated) bass solo that begins at 2:30.
But something more important than Cronos' exceptional grasp of theory and composition is happening here. Allow me to direct your attention to the stage antics which occur from 4:55-5:00. The pictures below might be hard to make out, but feel free to consult the video for a clearer idea of the significance.

Cronos is no stranger to bass-facing, either.

Shocking new evidence! The Backwards Bass-Solo Somersault is a signature move patented by Cronos in 1985, a full four years prior to the Manowar performance. In fact, Mr. Cronos successfully completes a Triple Backwards Bass-Solo Somersault in this video, proving BEYOND A SHADOW OF A DOUBT who this stage move actually belongs to.

This is a cut-and-dry example of heavy metal copyright infringement, plain and simple. Mr. DeMaio has no grounds for legal action, as the Backwards Bass-Solo Somersault is NOT his legal property. It belongs to Mr. Cronos, and the video is proof.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I rest my case.

Editor's Note: Speaking of Hessian bassists, I'd like to take a second to welcome longtime Illogical She-Bro Manslaughter to the IC Writers Team (see last post). You all should know her already, but if you don't, go back and read Wednesday's GLOM post. Long story short, she's a badass bitch, and we're fucking stoked to have her on board. HAIL.


Manslaughter said...

Apparently I have some somersault practicing to do.
Do you remember that dude that you shouted out at at the Womanowar show? Turns out I'm friends with his girlfriend.
His name is Joe, he was born the same year as DeMaio, and also was born in Jersey. WEEEEIIIIRRRRDDDDDD....
Also, ask Chuffy about his ex-girlfriend Jo Ann's experience with DeMaio. It's pretty awesome.

mattack said...

Wow.. thanks for reminding me how homoerotic metal can be. Awesome.

Steven said...

If there's any difference between Venom and Spinal Tap, I fail to see it...

Asa said...

Two terrible bass players.