Monday, June 7, 2010


I'll admit it. I listen to National Public Radio on a near-daily basis. Nothing turns my crank like the wry witticisms of Ira Glass, the keen insight of Terry Gross, or the cocksure baritone of Cy Musiker. "All Things Considered"? "Science Friday"? Never miss 'em. I'm not kidding. NPR 24-7. Ask Peter.

Right: Two fine examples of the type of dude that listens to NPR. Just out of frame: Me.

Which is why I was more than just a little surprised, humbled, confused, angry, and delighted when Brother Seanford informed me recently that NPR has an eye on IllCon. Did you miss it? Allow me to elaborate:
Check out this article on from June 2nd of this year, oddly titled "The Rocky Balboa Metal Montage Workout" (screencap below). The article, written by NPR staffer Lars Gotrich, offers 5 obscure-ish metal songs for your own personal Rocky-esque training montage, from Warlock in the 80's to a couple of modern bands. Prepare to get pumped:

Okay, great. Lars Gotrich (any relation to Ulrich?) thinks we should add some Christian Mistress to our "montage mix". But wait a minute. How does this guy even know about Christian Mistress? Easy. Seanford posted about this obscure band here on IC on April 29th, 2010. Is that too much of a leap of reasoning? Perhaps. But let's keep moving.
Also featured on Mr. Gotrich's "Top 5" list is another semi-obscure band, the NWOBHM beer-guzzlers known as Tank. Gotrich claims that Tank's "Run Like Hell" (from the album Filth Hounds of Hades) is another must-have montage jam, which is just a little strange. After all, Tank's Filth Hounds was featured on Cosmic Hearse in mid-February. Now, I consider The Hearse to be a tight Bro of The Contraption, and I also consider the fact that Mr. Gotrich included both Tank and Christian Mistress in his article nigh unto EMPIRICAL EVIDENCE that he has been hanging out in our neck of the blogosphere. No leap of reasoning here. Pretty obvz, Lars. At least leave a comment or something next time. But there's more.

Whaaaaaa????? HUNTRESS??? That's right. Not only was the Huntress demo featured on IC on April 1st, but (spoiler alert) Seanford actually PLAYS DRUMS in this fucking band. Caught you red-handed, buddy. And that's not all. NPR must've had Manowar on the brain after reading THIS on IC March 19th, which explains their inclusion on the "Montage Mix" as well. The evidence is really stacking up, isn't it?

It's true. NPR is on our jock. Which is all fine and good, but they could at least give us a shout-out next time. I mean, they gave Stuff You Will Hate credit when and where it was due. Lars, if you're reading (AND I KNOW YOU ARE), just bear one thing in mind: I'll buy the fucking NPR tote bag or whatever next time the fund drive comes around. But are YOU willing to support the media outlets that quench YOUR thirst for METAL? Think about it, brother. I want to keep our relationship positive, here. Throw me a fucking bone next time.

Anyways, I thought it was only fair that I supply you all with my very own Illogical Contraption Metal Montage Mix as well, because, I mean, Huntress? Come on, NPR. You can do better than that. Here are some ill jams from the personal collection of Professor Cobras, absolutely guaranteed to build musculature as well as pump nads. Stuff this bad boy in your iPod next time you're at the gym, and bask in the glory of your newly-blasted abs. Get torqued!

We'll start things off slow, working our way up to the meaty stuff. First up is Viraemia, with their slow-burn groove jam "Cancrum Oris":

Nice. You should have a little bit of a sweat going right now, and your heart rate should be up just a tad. Time to really hit those reps. Let's work those lats to some Putrefying Cadaverment -- more specifically to their uplifting workout song "Surgically Decapitated":

Right on, nice work. Let's cool down with an old classic.

Bethlehem - "Schuld Uns'res knochrigen Faltpferds"

Now is the time to really find your groove. The simple structures, straightforward tempos, and rhythmic composition of Sleep Terror should do the trick. Something along the lines of "Somnambulist Pedophile":

Alright, time to bring it home. It's been a good workout. Allow yourself to relax and cool off with the mellow sounds of Noism. Hey look, this song even has "IC" in the title! "Man IC":

Now go towel off, dude. You reek.


abdul alhazred said...

Who works out without listening to Entorturement?

Lars Gotrich said...

Shelby! My half-assed conceptual "Rocky Balboa Metal Montage Workout" popped up in my Google Alerts today and took me to Illogical Contraption. Your own picks are awesome (Bethlehem, fucking solid). In fact, I've been meaning to link to Invisible Oranges' grind workout mix, but wanted to find others to collect more links, so now I can do both. \m/

I've never actually heard of IC (sorry, dude), but I did learn about Tank from Cosmic Hearse. I would have linked to them, but writing for NPR and all, I can't really promote "illegal" download blogs, which is too bad because The Hearse is a daily visit. I just don't want it to get shut down because I linked from a news organization.

When the new NPR (Necro Putrid Regurgitation) tote bags come in with a corpsepainted Nina Totenberg, I'll make sure to send you one.

Shelby Cobras said...

Ha! good to hear from you, man. Understood that you can't really promote "pirate' shit with the Suits, it's all in good fun anyway. I hope this post at least gave you a chuckle, I checked out (and linked to) your site, good stuff all around.


Lars Gotrich said...

Nah, dude. I LOL'd. Then I cried a little bit. Then I LOL'd again. I don't get to write about metal often for NPR, but I recently started a metal show on a community radio station here in Washington, D.C. It starts up next Monday. Always rad to find more metalheads. Bookmarked.

Adam said...

I've just started reading your blog three days ago and good god my thighs are burning!!!