Wednesday, May 12, 2010


Perhaps some of you recall the LATROMMI DEBACLE from back in December, in which I proposed the creation of a "false and ungrim" inversion of a black metal band. For those of you who didn't, click the link and learn. Pussy.
Illogical Contraption has certainly never shied away from innovation, especially when it comes to discovering, naming, and/or merging sub-genres of heavy metal music. We identified Renrock. We named Narration Metal and Tigger Slam. It is fairly obvious that we here at IC are poised at the razor-sharp cutting edge of knowledge regarding modern music. Hence, it is with a fair amount of confidence that I now announce the biggest trend in metal circa 2012.
As a genre, heavy metal is notoriously unable to stand still for very long. Subgenres cross-pollinate with other subgenres, and the resulting sub-subgenres inbreed with their cousins until you end up with stuff like this. But it's not all bad.

To wit: Let us consider the genre of music affectionately known as "YACHT ROCK". Counting in its ranks such diverse and silky smooth crooners as Kenny Loggins, Michael McDonald, Hall & Oates, Air Supply, Steely Dan, Asia, Toto, The Eagles, and Lionel Richie, Yacht Rock is the soundtrack to a pleasant afternoon aboard your boat, a lullaby for the coke-addled with roots deeply embedded in both jazz and pop. For a near-complete history of Yacht Rock, consult these two posts for a comedic, fictional YouTube series that provides just that.

Steely Dan in the 70's: kvlt?

Yacht Rock is the absolute antithesis of Tr00 Nekro Black Metal. The former is soft where the latter is abrasive, danceable where the other is purposefully obscure. Yacht Rock is the sober yin to black metal's raging yang. It is for exactly this reason that I propose/predict the Next Big Thing in music:


You heard it here first.

That's right. YACHT METAL.
Bongo drum blast-beats. Four-part harmonies paying obeisance to the Dark Lord Satan placed over placid synth washes and saxophone solos. Music that soothes while it slays. The kids are gonna go nuts for this one.
But I'm going to take it a step further, by starting my VERY OWN YACHT METAL BAND (the first of its kind). Our name:


Merchandising is already taken care of. Got a Sharpie and some Nachtmystium gear? Sweet! You now own a YACHTMYSTIUM hoodie, bro! (see example, left)
We're the mellowest, grimmest Yacht Metal band on the seven seas! Now all I need are some bandmates. Who's "ON BOARD" (see what I did there)?

Above: "Conceptual" band photo of Yachtmystium, who dwell in shadows even under the warmest sunshine.
Below: Yacht Metaller Jimmy Beelzebuffett onstage with the "inverted Latrommi", IMMORTAL. Sweet Jesus that's smooth!

Scoff now, fools. But I can guarantee beyond a shadow of a doubt that Yacht Metal is COMING, and it is going to be HUGE. So bust out those black markers and get to work on your Yachtmystium paraphernalia NOW. Before you know it, you will be the envy of the entire black metal community.

(Keep an eye out for Yachtmystium's upcoming debut album, Goat Boat, due for release on the first day of summer.)


Anonymous said...

My genitals have sucked up into my body cavity in anticipation

Roger Camden said...

"goat boat"

Peter said...


SEANFORD said...

I just have to let you know how much false and un-grim has become a part of life. We’ll write a riff and be like, “is this false? I’m kinda getting an un-grim vibe from this one.” My friends will ask me, “Sean, what’s wrong? You look false and un-grim.”

Shelby Cobras said...

That makes me giggly like a little girl. Which in itself is also false and ungrim.

Charles T Heckler said...

You're on a boat, motherfucker.