Sunday, November 21, 2010

BULLSHIT FOR SHITTY BOY


"A BULLET FOR PRETTY BOY"?!?! Are you fucking serious?!?! You named your fucking band "A Bullet For Fucking Pretty Boy"?!?! Why in the name of all things holy and sacred would you give your fucking band such a fucking stupid fucking name!?!? I mean, I've heard some shitty "metal" band names in my time: We Butter Our Bread With Butter, The Tony Danza Tap Dance Extravaganza, The Forrest Gump Mile High Marathon... But I mean, JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, MAN! WHAT THE FUCKING HELL? Your band name was unbelievably shitty even the FIRST time I heard it... When it was BULLET FOR MY VALENTINE. But this... Fuck, man....

Let me guess, you fucking idiots play some sort of "hardcore-infused Christian metal", right? I'd be willing to bet ANYTHING that Jesus is involved with your whole stupid fucking trip somehow. Let's see... Checking your page on "Myspace Beta" (WTF?)...

BAM! "Hardcore/Christian/Ambient"! In your OWN FUCKING WORDS!!!
Let me give you one quick tip here, you fucking sorry-ass gaggle of limp-wristed pussy-farts: those three words, "hardcore", "Christian", and "ambient"--THEY DON'T BELONG TOGETHER. IN ANY SITUATION. EVER.

You are scum. Your music is shit. PLEASE kill yourself.

LOL @ "Live Love"'s fucking sandals

Oh, this is just fucking GREAT. A fucking acoustic set... At fucking Hot Topic!?!? Jesus fucking nail-shitting asshole of Christ! YOU fuckers are the reason I grind my teeth when I sleep. YOU are the reason I feel the need to choke out every floppy-haired, tight-pantsed kid rocking an Iron Maiden shirt I see on Haight Street. You're ruining everything. You have no soul.

I understand why you guys are doing this, I guess. For kids your age, "hardcore" and "metal" mean the exact opposite of what they did 10, 15, 20, shit, 30 years ago. This is music for the "cool" kids now, a style that, if you conform to the exact rules and regulations, might score you a record deal (it did), shit, might even lead to you getting laid. OH WAIT, you little weasels are CHRISTIAN, riiight. Let's change that last part to "might even lead to some really HOT hand-holding" (or whatever it is you poor, deluded, asexual boy-waifs do to girls). My point is this: You turds are simply conforming to an established market, to appear "stylish" and maybe make a couple bucks. Your parents bought your tour van and give you a free place to live, right? Sure. I don't fault you for that. Take the free ride, let Daddy's lawfirm foot the bill.
What does offend me is the COMPLETE LACK OF AESTHETIC VALUE, THE VAPID, SOULLESS "MUSIC", and, FOR FUCK'S SAKE, THAT TERRIBLE FUCKING EXCUSE FOR A "BAND NAME"... "A Bullet For Pretty Boy"? I still can't believe it.

It's bad enough that Watain is fucking shilling for Scion and Judas Priest is selling Hondas, OK? We don't need any more help commodifying metal. Especially from ineffectual, misled panty-wastes like you.

LET JESUS TITTY-FUCK YOU! LET JESUS TITTY-FUCK YOU!!!

Just to make everything 100%, absolutely fucking CRYSTAL clear, allow me to sum up my thoughts here:

YOUR GOD DOESN'T EXIST AND YOUR MUSIC IS LOWER THAN THE LOWEST IMAGINABLE FORM OF ROTTING, PURULENT PIGSHIT. IF THERE EVER WAS A "JESUS" (AND THERE WASN'T), HE WOULD TURN HIS BACK ON YOU AND CAST YOU OUT OF HIS FLOCK, IF ONLY TO CONVINCE YOU TO PUT DOWN YOUR GUITARS, YOUR KEYBOARDS, YOUR DRUMSTICKS, YOUR MICROPHONES, AND JUST WALK AWAY... WALK AWAY FROM "MUSIC" FOREVER, ALWAYS, FOR ETERNITY. DON'T EVER, EVER, EVER COME BACK. YOUR "INPUT" IS NOT NEEDED. GET A JOB, STOP LIVING OFF YOUR PARENTS, GO FAR, FAR, FAR AWAY FROM US--THE PEOPLE WHO APPRECIATE REAL MUSIC, MUSIC WITH SOUL, MUSIC WITH INTEGRITY, MUSIC WITH FUCKING BALLS!

17 comments:

The Thing That Should Not Be said...

I shoulda known fat boy with the classy moobs was the 'keyboard player'. The name reminds me of some kinda mash-up of Pretty boy Floyd and Bullet For My Valentine, both of whom suck major balls, so smooshing the two together means hyper-suckage. Fucking khristians need to have their hands broken to stop 'em polluting the rock'n'roll gene pool. Oh, and PUT DOWN THE FORK.

Helm said...

This post is a good marker for future referral. You've captured the whole thing, maybe that one new band isn't christian or that other one isn't hardcore, but they're all doing it because it's easy. If you're in a band because it's easy, you've fucked up. If you've sacrificed nothing to write a fucking metal record, then it's worthless. What comes out is, if you're lucky and super-talented, only one tenth as potent as what went in the creative process.

KickinAssTakingNames said...

This post made me laugh out loud. Nice work.

I happen to know a guy in Tony Danza Tap Dance Extravaganza. You will be glad to know that I have ridiculed him for the shitty band name many times. At least they aren't Christians, though. Far from it. They aren't my cup of tea as far as metal goes, but they can shred on occasion.

Anonymous said...

Hey Shelby, I like 'em too. :)

Anonymous said...

Oh man, I just had to listen. This is hilariously awful. It's an amalgamation of all the bad musical trends of the last 10 years. We have good cop/bad cop, shitty trance synths, breakdowns and gang shouts. Beautiful.

Nice rant. I personally have stopped caring about all these dumb bands (too much good music in the world), but it's still fun to see someone rage against Hot Topic. I'm sure you'll get a ton of pissed-off teen-aged anonymous commentators.

Shoelundo said...

As someone who has been actively campaigning against Christianity in Metal since the days when Earache was still releasing relevant material, I wholeheartedly endorse the contents of this post.

We should have killed Believer when we had the chance. Seriously, fuck those guys.

Anonymous said...

wolves in the throne room..also whored for scion...so did toxic holocaust...no point in typing this other than just to say it.

Chris said...

Great post!

"LET JESUS TITTY-FUCK YOU! LET JESUS TITTY-FUCK YOU!!!" = made day.

Anonymous said...

The one band I believe which is the antithesis of Bullet For Pretty Boy would be Demon Hunter. I'd like to see Shelby Cobra's review of this band, and if somehow Demon Hunter could save the Christian Hardcore genre of music from the majority of failed acts which whore themselves out to "secular" culture, but attempt to distinguish themselves from this very culture.

Reginald said...

You're not making Christianity better, you're making music worse,

Shelby Cobras said...

Ladies and gentlemen, i give you... the guitarist from Demon Hunter.

The Thing That Should Not Be said...

Even Jesus H Christ himself would hate Christian music, in much the same way Satan and Thor would hate Black Metal.

Aylmer said...

Ah, these are my favourite posts of yours. I love hate.

kittyempire said...

Thanks again myspace.

Camellia sinensis said...

.... this whole controlled rage genre, its just so stylized and fucking constipated. i continue to live in gross defiance of such bullshittery...

The Ugfromumant said...

I'll just leave this here.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m_Oj0-splZw

Helm said...

here's some pertinent quotes from Michael Moorcock:

Q: Can I ask you a bit about Hawkwind? How did you first get to know them?

MM: Well, they came round to see me. Or at least a couple of them did, Bob Calvert and Nik Turner. Bob wasn't in the band at that time, but Nik Turner obviously was. And they just came round to ask me to do some lyrics. The thing was, everyone was in Ladbroke Grove or Notting Hill at that time; there were bands everywhere, and you felt that there was something wrong with you if you didn't play some sort of fretted instrument! Almost everybody did, and I'd been in bands before that; right from the 50s; I'd been in a skiffle group, and I made that transition to blues, R&B, the way a lot of people did. And then I'd kind of given it up because I found it was more comfortable to sit there working in a chair than sitting in the back of an old van, and then being screwed when you got to a gig, the usual sort of crap. So I just stopped doing it. I've said this a lot of times but I think it's actually worth saying: a lot of us did this, we went for rock & roll and science fiction because they weren't respectable, and there was no criticism at all. There were no magazines that dealt with it; there was no body of criticism. There was nothing. Melody Maker, if you were lucky, you got a cartoon of Elvis Presley in the back, and they didn't think it was going to last.

Q: It was a jazz paper, back then.

MM: Exactly. But it was something that you could make of it what you wanted. So you went into the studio - when you went into the studio - not really knowing what you were going to do. And sometimes it was better than you thought it was going to be. Sometimes it was bloody awful. But again, it was just that sense of having something that was your own. I think that gaming [role-playing games, such as Dungeons and Dragons and Runequest, which frequently drew on Moorcock's work] became that for another generation, and there's other stuff that goes on. I think if you're 18, you're always going to be looking for something where there isn't your dad telling you, you know, how it should be or how it used to be. You'd rather somebody said "what the hell are you doing, wasting your time?" Now it's a respectable career. "Dad, I want to be a rock & roll musician!" "Okay, we'll send you to rock & roll school!" And it's just not, you know, who wants to do that?