Thursday, June 17, 2010

PARROTHEADHUNTER

Not even funny anymore.

I decided to stop making fun of Juggalos a long time ago. Like I said before, it's just TOO FUCKING EASY. In a way, I almost feel sorry for our hatchet-wielding brethren. It can't really be 100% their fault, right? Poor education, Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, regional isolation, poor life choices, and peer pressure must all be contributing factors to some extent, and, while ICP's semi-coherent, subliterate attempts at "rapping" are FAR from the best music in the world (REALLY FUCKING FAR), I can think of worse things. Far worse.
But the music-snob blogoshpere needs a boogieman, right? We need a completely bass-ackwards music subculture to bag on to reinforce our own sterling tastes and convictions, don't we? Of course we do.
Well, lucky for you, there's an oft-overlooked subculture out there absolutely deserving of every ounce of scorn and derision we can dump on them, a sect of tasteless, comfortable, upper-middle class douchewands so devoid of dignity, so devoid of class, that one need not feel the slightest bit of shame when shitting all over them. Move over, Mr. Juggalo.

I give you "The Parrothead".

Urbandictionary.com describes the Parrothead thusly: "A Parrothead is a fan of Jimmy Buffett (there is no other meaning). The typical parrothead is pictured to wear a Hawaiian shirt, flip-flops, and other tropical attire, and to enjoy drinking margaritas on the beach. Parrotheads often decorate their homes in tropical motifs. In general the life of a parrothead is one of relaxation and being on a permanent mental vacation even while at work."

Parrotheads, like Juggalos, divide themselves into regional groups and/or clubs, believing that "strength in numbers" justifies their dedication to a cult-like figure devoid of any trace of talent or personality. In fact, according to the "official" Parrothead website Parrotheads In Paradise, there are over 200 Parrothead Club Chapters, including 9 in Canada and one in Australia. The Juggalo parallels are obvious. Parrotheads dress up in garish costumes when attending concerts and flock to Key West for their annual "gathering". Juggalos go to "Shangri-La" when they die. Parrotheads go to "Parrotdise".

Give me your keys, Terry.

A Jimmy Buffet concert is a wretched hive of scum and villainy every bit as horrifying as an ICP concert. I can tell you firsthand, as I have witnessed the aftermath of just such a gathering on more than one occasion. Drunken housewives stumbling about in a haze of stoned obsolescence, leaning on their fat, comfortable, obnoxious Republican husbands -- Weekend Warriors in the foulest sense of the term, doomed to a life of boredom and mindless consumerism punctuated by only the cheapest of "thrills". Foul, foul creatures.
Parrotheads are every bit as despicable as the dread Juggalo -- more so, in fact. Parrotheads are Deadheads with corporate jobs, older and dumber than Juggalos, richer and more obese with an endless thirst for margaritas and Corona. And don't even get me started on that hilarious "Cheeseburger In Paradise" chain. HAW HAW! They took a metaphor and made it literal! HAW HAW!
You might argue that Juggalos have Parrotheads beat on the tattoo front. But wait a second:


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That's right. Parrotheads are the new Juggalos. And by "new Juggalos", I mean "old Juggalos". Sure, Jimmy Buffet might not have the pathetic cadre of coattail-riding "opening bands" that ICP does ((Hed)P.E., Coolio, Kittie, etc...), but I'll tell you what he DOES have: COVER BANDS. That's right, The Coral Reefer Band (GET IT! HAW HAW!) has inspired a legion of pretenders, among them Garratt Wilkin & The Parrotheads and Davey & The Waverunners ("fronted by Davey Werkhiser fron the popular 80's band Magnum!"). It's a dark, sick, depressing world that these Parrotheads live in.

God, how I hate them.

Are Carrot Top fans called Carrotheads? Does Carrot Top HAVE fans?

Jimmy Buffett concert or Tea Party rally?

Personal vendetta? Possibly.
But I urge you all to join me in the mass mockery and rejection of Parrothead culture, if only as a symbolic gesture of disgust toward the flaccid "art" of Jimmy Buffett and his represenation of all things, lazy, stupid, and gaudy in American culture.
I might be done with Juggalos, but I'm just getting started on the fucking Parrotheads. These sick fucks have dwelt in comfort and boozy, suburban satisfaction long enough. Let's kick their sorry asses all the way back to Margaritaville.
ICP: dismissed.
Buffett: Let's fucking do this.

In conclusion, A MESSAGE FOR JIMMY BUFFETT himself:



(Thanks, Jon)

13 comments:

Steven said...

Unfortunately, I'm old enough to know a few parrotheads personally. And I can attest that they are most definitely not Republicans (Buffett's music is a little too radical for the middle-aged Right).

Shelby Cobras said...

Not to delve too far into my personal life, but I had a certified middle-aged Orange County far-Right Republican try to get me stoned in a Dave & Buster's less than a month ago.

NO DICE.

My theory is that Buffett's music is the exact kind of "safe", watered-down psuedo-rebellion that Republicans love. While I appreciate your stance as Devil's Advocate, I most definitely CAN NOT guarantee the survival of your Parrothead bros when the final, cleansing fire of Cobras' fury falls upon them.

Hans said...

You're welcome.

stonerphonic said...

doesn't the book of Revelation mention the appearance of the 4 parrotheads of the apocalypse before the end times are upon us?

i don't think i could find 4 juggalos anymore. thank fuck...

SEANFORD said...

wow, is that seriously what carrot top looks like now?

cdg said...

my boss is a parrothead. he's pretty low key about it though...

The Ugfromumant said...

So when I was around eh... 11 or so I was staying over at a friends house. We were just sitting there playing some Final Fantasy when all of a sudden, mind you its almost 2AM, his mom just bursts into his room dressed like one of these crazies, fake basket of fruit nestled tightly on her head, California casualed to the freakin max man, and some kind of hula skirt that wasn't hiding much.

So imagine getting the shit pretty much scared out of you by this DRUUUUUUUUNK woman who reeked of coconuts and failure in some kind of crazy get up. Turns out they had just went to a Jimmy Buffet show in Chicago and she wanted to say good night but ended up just scaring the both of us more than anything.

Damn Parrotheads....

Manslaughter said...

Erik's a parrothead!!I wish I could find the proof. I heard Buffet's shows are off the hizzay and shit gets WILD.

Shelby Cobras said...

Here's your proof:

http://viewmorepics.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=viewImage&friendID=59408997&albumID=2504968&imageID=40645449

Manslaughter said...

Ha! close enough. And I'm a fat lemmy and cory...well...

Erik Del Tigre said...

I believe in that picture we were playing an jazzy, up-tempo cover of "Last Mango In Paris." Really got the MILFs worked up.

Anonymous said...

Parrothead = prairie dog or turtle.

It's when the tip of a turd starts to crown the butthole but not quite touch underwear. And sing Margaritaville.

Mister Booze said...

For some reason this reminded me of a rock n roll Jimmy Buffet:

http://video.forbes.com/fvn/celebrities08/km_hagar061008

Late to the party as usual...