Friday, September 10, 2010

STEPHEN HAWKING IS A FUCKING SHOW-OFF


Exhibit A

So apparently that weasely little fucker Stephen Hawking has a new book coming out, humbly entitled The Grand Design. Great. Just what we need.
As you might have guessed from the title of this post, I have some strong feelings about Mr. Hawking--specifically, that he is a big fucking show-off. "Look how big my fucking intellect is," he seems to scream from the comfort of his luxurious wheelchair, smirking as he cashes another astronomically-sized royalty check. Man, what a jerk. Someone really needs to knock that asshole down a peg.

Anyways, Steve has made a series of ludicrous claims in his new book, sending the astrophysics community into a tizzy but leaving the rest of us rather nonplussed. Yahoo! News even reported that Mr. Hawking doesn't believe in God (!!!), based on a particular quote from The Grand Design: "Because there is a law such as gravity," Captain Dicknose says, "the Universe can and will create itself from nothing. Spontaneous creation is the reason there is something rather than nothing..."
Wow, gee! How fucking profound! No God? What a fucking revelation! You've really BLOWN MY FUCKING MIND, Steve!

Guess what? I had proof that there was no God LAST FUCKING YEAR.

Here's another one:

"It will be difficult enough to avoid disaster on planet Earth in the next hundred years, let alone the next thousand, or million. The human race shouldn't have all its eggs in one basket, or on one planet. Let's hope we can avoid dropping the basket until we have spread the load."

First off, EWWWW for that last "spread the load" part, OK? Jesus. Next, what's the BFD? Oh shit everyone, we'd better find some decent planets to colonize pronto! Our planet's gonna be all fucked up... IN A MILLION FUCKING YEARS.

What's the rush, Steve? Could it be that you're trying to evacuate all the dudes off Earth so that you can ravage all our women while we're gone? You're not fooling anyone, fuckface. There's no rush to find inhabitable planets in space, and I'll give you FIVE fucking reasons why:

1) FUCKING ENDOR


Ewoks = tons of kind bud. Also, they are an excellent source of protein.


2) FUCKING ARRAKIS


Dude, the whole planet is basically a huge fucking beach (just without the water). What's wrong with that? Kick back, soak up some rays, and smoke a metric shit-ton of fucking Spice.


3) FUCKING CYBERTRON


Two words: Free Wi-Fi.


4) THE PLANET OF THE FUCKING APES


Check it out: we take over the planet, enslave all the monkeys, and put 'em in cages until they lose the ability to speak. What could possibly go wrong?


5) FUCKING PLANET X


OK, so this one is kind of obscure, but has anyone else here seen 1965's Godzilla Vs. Monster Zero? Monster Zero (Ghidorah) came from this rad planet called Planet X that was full of nothing but evil monsters and these sort of geeky, Devo-esque alien dudes. Observe:



Man, I could totally get down with living on Planet X. That would be awesome. Speaking of "Planet X": FUCK! NIBIRU!


So yeah, great. Yet more evidence that we need to relocate, riiiiiight. Everybody fucking panic, the Earth is doomed. So says Stephen Hawking.


Oh hey Carl Sagan, didn't see you there. How's it going? Good, good. So listen Carl, answer a question for me: I forgot how many inhabitable planets there are in the Solar System. Could you refresh my memory?


Oh yeah.

YOU KNOW WHAT, STEVE? I'VE GOT A "GRAND DESIGN" TOO, AND IT INVOLVES ME "DESIGNING" SOME SIZE TEN CHUCKS UP YOUR BUTTHOLE, DUDE. FUCK OFF, MAN, AND KEEP YOUR ASTROPHYSICAL LAWS OFF MY BODY. DICK.

Look at this smug little fucker.

13 comments:

The Thing That Should Not Be said...

Pfft. We need to go SIDEWAYS, my friend, not into 'space'. Hell, THAT'S where all the 'visitors' have been coming from. SIDEWAYS. As for Hawking, he has a Simpsons action figure, he can AFFORD to be smug. Even though his first book was totally WRONG and he had to admit it publicly, he STILL has a Simpsons action figure. Does Carl Sagan? No. Does Li'l Dick Dawkins? No. Does God? No. There endeth the lesson.

Oh, and, funny story about Hawking - one of my evil exes was a physics student and she told me that some people in her department had worked with Hawking. Apparently, early on in his career - pre-wheelchair - , he was a bit of a perv. He set some in-department contest and offered a subscription to Playboy as the prize. BUT, my favourite story is that at one point, not long after he was confined to the chair, when he got frustrated or wanted to win an argument, he would drive the chair into peoples legs on purpose. Right in the shin, POW. Advantage, Hawking.

Nekromantis said...

We ridin' sidewayz!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KWCFMXAN0JA

Aylmer said...

Always wanted to move to Zegema Beach, but it's too dangerous now after the war. The nicer suburbs like Planete Sauvage and Pandora are too expensive, so moving uptown is out of the question. Sideways is rent controlled but has gotten too trendy, and I hate bumping into parallel me's. I'll either move downwards into Rudy Ruckerville (it's quite nice there, and the rents are paradoxically getting cheaper), or just settle for some shitty ghetto suburb like Klendathu or LV 426 in the Galaxy of Terror.

Shelby Cobras said...

Oh I'm sorry Aylmer why don't YOU go ahead and write the post?

Jeez.

The Thing That Should Not Be said...

He did. In an alternate dimension. MIRROR AYLMER!!!! He has an eyepatch!!!!

Aylmer said...

I have an eyepatch in this dimension. Call me Snake.

The Thing That Should Not Be said...

I heard you were dead.

Aylmer said...

I get that a lot...

stargraves said...

I thought you'd be taller...

But stevie H, baby, he's always right, just like the Dawk.

Live with it! Godtards.

Besides, If you really came face to chair, with the most intelligent human who ever lived, are you gonna deny him a bit of hand relief if he raised an eyebrow to ask for it?....

Especially, if he could swing a cameo on the simpsons for you?

I think not!

Besides, I'd capture it in my mouth to use on my wife that night, to hope our future child could fathom nuclear fusion.

Thats sideways thinking....

kittyempire said...

Well done, Cobras. Finally, a man with the courage to pick on an old guy in a wheelchair. IllCon, breaking down the walls.

Incidentally, there's probably an alternate world somewhere in the multiverse where Hawking is not in a wheelchair, and people don't feel compelled to pay attention to him.

We could just go there.

Anonymous said...

Fuck Stephen Hawking

TheOne&Only Vestman said...

Stephen Hawking is a Fucking Douche.
About a year ago I wrote an e-mail to S.E.T.I. about wanting them to check out one star for less than 5 minutes.
The next day that genetic rejection made a statement "If we ever encounter other sentient life it will be as they're strip mining our planet."
I want to make that jackass cry until he tries to kill himself. ~ Here's hoping you see my message you retarded monkey, since you'll never Walk up a set of stairs and watch the spiral over the rail as you climb. (why are people using the perspective of someone who cant speak for scientific notations anyway? last i checked the government, even the media said "screw the scientists" as they've been fighting for years now to prove 9/11 wasn't caused by planes)

Dimitris Bardakas said...

I completely agree. We need to apply your Grand Design as fast as we can! That bitch ain't gonna pipe the fuck down otherwise.