Monday, December 6, 2010

BEHOLD, THE TOP 20 SHITTIEST METAL RELEASES OF 2010: The First (And Last) Year-End List You Will Ever See On I.C.



This is waaayyy better than any "metal" release that came out in 2010. NOT OPINION. FACT.

Yep, it's that time of year again. December. The month that all the metal critics, bloggers, journalists, and what have you trot out their year-end favorites, expounding on the virtues of what they think you should be listening to (and enjoying). A bit pompous, isn't it? Assuming that your exquisite taste in music needs to be shared with the metal community at large, that your 2010 selections are the only ones that everyone needs to hear? The kids are gonna like what they like regardless of your opinion, right? Get over yourself.

That being said, I'd like to welcome you all to Illogical Contraption's own year-end heavy metal blowout extravaganza. But this is no ordinary Top 10 or Top 20 or Top 1,000 of '010 list. This year has been a heinously busy one in the world of extreme metal, chock full of releases by just about every conceivable metal band (some inconceivable ones, too). There have been some really great albums, but really, what's the fun in standing around jerking off all over those ones? The sheer magnitude of new music on the market in 2010 guarantees that there will be a fair share of keepers, but more importantly, it conversely ensures that there will be a whole SHITLOAD of garbage to sift through as well. And THAT, my friends, is why we are here today.

So who writes a 'BOTTOM 20 OF 2010' list, anyways? SHELBY FUCKING COBRAS (left), that's who. Next question: Is Shelby Fucking Cobras qualified to write such a list? I would have to answer with a completely-qualified NO. Friends of IC know me as "That guy who could listen exclusively to the recorded output of Deicide, Suffocation, and Morbid Angel ('90-'95) and be completely content for the rest of his life", how could I possibly claim to have my finger on the pulse of modern music? The simple answer is that I DON'T. But I've been putting a whole Hell of a lot of effort into catching up with Metal Circa 2010 (read other attempts at concealing my codgery HERE and HERE), and I'm more than ready to bitch about some shit. I have a LOT of hate to share. A LOT.

But I don't hate my readers. I respect you. Therefore, it is imperative that I share these unarguable truths with you. What I do hate is shark-jumping, bandwagon-hopping, and unneccesary fellation of mediocre bands. And there is plenty of all that going around. I must expose falseness whenever and wherever I see it. It's part of my prime directives, like Robocop. What I say herein will not be popular. In fact, my claims will make some people very angry. But they are only my opinions. And like they say, opinions are like assholes. We all have 'em. Now allow me to spread my asshole OPINION for everyone to see.

BEHOLD THE BOTTOM:

Side question: Will 2011 be the year that Metallica finally breaks down and records a Christmas album?

20) CEPHALIC CARNAGE - MISLED BY CERTAINTY

I was certain that the new Cephalic Carnage album would be pretty decent. It appears that at some point I was misled. OH SNAP!

But seriously though, this album sucks balls. What's with the shit production? The clean vocals? It seems that these guys are making that heinous mistake so many grind bands have made as of late: angling for a shred of commercial success via MTV2 or Scion or whatever, but being just "commercial" enough to alienate their longtime fans and just "edgy" enough to keep the corporate cash cows at bay.
Too bad, I liked these guys for awhile.

Instead, listen to Phobia's new EP, Unrelenting. Or even their brand new split with Gadget. They both kill (you will notice that this theme of suggesting good metal albums from 2010--rather than shitty ones--will continue for the rest of this post).

19) SIX FEET UNDER - GRAVEYARD CLASSICS III

There's just SO MUCH to hate about what Six Feet Under has become over the years, it's really difficult to narrow it down to one paragraph.
Graveyard Classics is basically The Spaghetti Incident times nu-metal divided by Sublime's fanbase and subtracted from NASCAR. Six Feet Under is now a quote unquote death metal cover band, re-treading the same joke over and over, a painfully unfunny joke that goes like this: "Hey, what would it sound like if we took every generic hard rock/metal song in the history of classic-rock FM radio and replaced the original vocals with Chris Barnes' half-assed, monotone grunting?"
It's not funny anymore, guys.

Instead, listen to Severe Torture, Slaughtered.

18) ALCEST - ECAILLES DE LUNE

Remember that term I used earlier, "unneccesary fellation of mediocre bands"? Case in fucking point, right here. Everyone who's anyone will have Alcest's Ecailles De Lune on their 'Top 10 of '10' list this year, right? Of course. But honestly, I have NO IDEA what the appeal is here. I mean, I've never been a good buddy of the whole "dark ambient/shoegaze" genre, but Alcest seems almost exceptionally bad for this style of non-metal. Those vocals, yeeeeesh. The whining, quasi-soothing nature of the whole thing, it just REPELS me. Alcest sounds like they're exclusively playing the shitty parts of Opeth songs. Really. The first time I ever tried listening to this heap of garbage, I had to boil down and mainline straight Deicide just to get the omnipresent stink of PUSSY out of my clothes.

My apologies to anyone offended (and there will be many), it's just my own personal opinion that this type of weak-tea "intellectual-metal" posturing needs to be excised and destroyed immediately.

Instead, listen to Chronaexus, Algedonic Awakening.

17) ENSLAVED - AXIOMA ETHICA ODINI

I really liked Enslaved's earlier work, but managed to lose track of them somewhere around Monumension/Below The Lights. Pure morbid curiosity drove me to investigate their 2010 offering Axioma Ethica Odini, and the first couple bars of the first song proved to be a pleasant surprise: decent, mid-tempo BM with sufficiently ugly vocals, crunchy guitars, andAAAAAGGGGHHH clean "metalcore" vocals! Why?!?! Why would you do that, Enslaved? I mean, you guys used clean vocals in the past that actually worked, why would you embrace this new, pop-metal-esque, Stuff You Will Hate style?
Oh yeah, to sell more records to teenagers (see also: Cephalic Carnage).

Instead, listen to The Meads of Asphodel, The Murder of Jesus The Jew.

16) KORN - KORN III: REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAKorn put out a new album this year?!?!? SERIOUSLY?!?!
Actually fellas, I think perhaps it is you who need to "remember who you are"--namely, washed up sub-human turds with NO PLACE WHATSOEVER IN THE MUSIC INDUSTRY AT ALL, EVER, FOR ANY REASON. And what's with the album cover? You think maybe Jonathan Davis drew that shit from memory?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHA, really Korn, you guys lose at life. Really.

Instead, listen to Murder Construct's self-titled debut EP. Or better yet, Monumental Torment's Oppression Submission EP.

15) MACABRE - GRIM SCARY TALES

I'm starting to think that the "return to form" heavy metal album is just a myth. I mean, we had Slayer's World Painted Blood last year, touted before its release as a "return to form", and we all remember how THAT turned out, right? Do the words Death Magnetic ring a bell? I'm starting to think that when a metal band "loses it", it's just "gone", you know? There are no "returns to form", it's just OVER.
That being said, I heard the same obsolete term bandied about in reference to Macabre's first album in 8 years or so, Grim Scary Tales (which I don't think has even seen proper release yet), and I have to admit, part of me was hoping for Sinister Slaughter II. But true to the corny joke that serves as the album's title, Scary Tales is waaaaayyyy too heavy on the jokes and waaaaayyyy too light on the shred, and despite a couple of solid jams, metal versions of "Who's Afraid of The Big Bad Wolf" and a half-assed, tongue-in-cheek Venom cover take the air out of this sucker REAL quick.

Instead, listen to Autopsy's "comeback" EP, The Tomb Within.

14) TRYPTIKON - EPARISTERA DAIMONES

Another one I was still maintaining a glimmer of hope for, which broke my heart like all the others. For the record, I really liked Monotheist, but it seems like Tryptikon is wobbling into some extra-gothy territory that I really can't get behind, as if that cheesy eye makeup might finally be soaking into Mr. Warriors's sockets and causing him to make some really bad decisions. The songs on Daimones often take way too long to get fired up, and then seem to go nowhere once they're actually chugging along. The lyrics (and their delivery) are almost laughably bad, and the overall flaccidity of the Tryptikon experience leaves me scurrying for my old, beat-up copy of Morbid Tales like a scorned lover.
Sorry, Tom, but it's over between us.

Instead, listen to Sigh, Scenes From Hell. Questionable production, but still one (ahem) "HELL" of an album. (Sorry.)

I only added this picture so that I could use the "Mantlers" tag


13) POWERGLOVE - SATURDAY MORNING APOCALYPSE

OK, full disclosure: I really like Saturday Morning Apocalypse. I was never a fan of Voivod's cover of the Batman theme song, but I've got to admit: a tech/power metal cover of the theme from the 90's CARTOON version of Batman is madness bordering on brilliance. Throw in Inpector Gadget, Transformers, and X-Men, and you've got one jubilant Hessian nerd on your hands.
The reason Powerglove lands on the BOTTOM 20 is this: I've had that Godforsaken power-metal version of the Pokemon theme song stuck in my head for OVER A FUCKING MONTH NOW. One more chorus of "Gotta Catch 'Em All" and I'm going French kiss a table saw.

Instead, listen to Rhapsody of Fire, The Frozen Tears of Angels. Or don't. I would totally understand if you wanted to skip this one.

12) MASTODON - JONAH HEX: REVENGE GETS UGLY EP

Jonah Hex: Revenge Gets Ugly introduces us to a new low-water mark for the commercialization of "extreme" music, and once again proves the age-old equation to be true: SHIT + SHIT = TWICE AS MUCH SHIT. In a way, it's almost poetic justice--a movie as insultingly bad as Jonah Hex deserves a band as insultingly bad as Mastodon, and vice versa. Did you see these guys on Letterman after Crack The Skye came out? Wow. Just... Wow.

Instead, listen to Ghost, Opus Eponymous. Commercial-esque rock-metal done right.

11) HIGH ON FIRE - SNAKES FOR THE DIVINE

A fine example of "good" production ruining an album. Dude, DON'T POLISH THAT TURD! IT SOUNDS BETTER AS A TURD! And I'm not saying that to bag on HoF's music. It's actually decent. But you can hardly even hear it anymore due to the muffling effect of a thousand engineers, producers, and A&R's humping the shit out of one of the last profitable acts in the heavy metal music industry. High on Fire bums me out, man.
Also, how weird has it been to see Matt Pike go from stony Hessian uber-Bro to Creepy Stoner Rock Poster Boy in the last couple years? I bet someone casts him in a movie soon. Mark my words.

Instead, listen to Acid Witch, Stoned. Stoned.

10) CYNIC - RE-TRACED EP

I was not a fan of Traced In Air whatsoever. The prospect of a Cynic reunion seemed like a good idea at the beginning, but after hearing their jazzy, neutered take on the "old" Cynic sound, what I knew to be true in my heart of hearts became quickly apparent: metal bands should NOT re-unite (except Suffocation). But a "re-imagining" of their recently-released comeback album, in the form of the Re-Traced EP? How are we NOT going to draw parallels between this and Re-Load? It's not just a matter of bad music. This shit is near tantamount to consumer fraud.
There are no "comebacks". Only "adult contemporary" metal for middle-aged navel-gazers. Sorry Masvidal. You seem like a cool guy, but I can't get behind this dreck.

PS: Bring back the fucking robot voice already!

Instead, listen to Lesbian, Stratospheria Cubensis.

9) WATAIN - LAWLESS DARKNESS

I guess I'm still just kinda irked that Scion paid for their tour or something. It's like, all idealistic posturing aside, FUCKING OWN UP TO YOUR OWN FALSE-ASS COMMERCIAL INTERESTS, WATAIN. You are not "kvlt", in fact, you are not even remotely "tough". You can, like, soak your stage clothes in dead animals or whatever, but for God's sake, quit trying to trick your fans--with a straight face. Illogical Contraption has exposed your proverbial "pose". Sorry Bros.

Off the artistic roll-call, so to speak.

Instead, listen to Deathspell Omega, Paracletus. Or Kerasphorus' Cloven Hooves At The Holocaust Dawn EP. Or Troll, Neo-Satanic Supremacy.

8) EXODUS - EXHIBIT B: THE HUMAN CONDITION

Please, Exodus. Please please please please. Just STOP already. In the name of Baloff, I beg you.
Actually, you don't even have to stop. Just do it under a different name. The Exodus who released Bonded By Blood back in '85 is NOT the same Exodus that put out Fabulous Disaster in '88, and THAT Exodus is definitely not related to the group of hired goons that shoveled that steaming pile of Let There Be Blood onto our unsuspecting earballs 20 years later. Just ditch the name, that's all I ask. You're not "Exodus" anymore.
I'll even give you 4 suggestions for a new moniker, free of charge:

1) BROCRASTERBATION
2) SHOVEL-HEADED MOSHBRO POSSE
3) PARTY-TIME FOOTBALL JERSEY BRO SQUAD
4) GOATEE-BRO PARTY DOWN XBOX 360 COORS LIGHT DUDEFEST

Instead, listen to The Crown, Doomsday King.

Just because.

7) HUNTRESS - OFF WITH HER HEAD Demo

Really, just a terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible heavy metal band.
Also, a terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible group of people to hang out with for a weekend.
Go download it.

(Jill: CALL ME.)

Instead, listen to Slough Feg, The Animal Spirits.

6) CRETACEOUS - SAURIAN JIHAD EP

Probably the only band that I could ever possibly hate more than Huntress.
There's a good reason their first demo only scored a 3% on Encyclopaedia Metallum.

Jesus Christ. Thank God they broke up.

(Download this milestone of human creativity HERE.)

Instead, listen to some actual SF metal, like the Hazzard's Cure demo. I have it on good authority that their full-length is coming soon...

5) BURZUM - BELUS

Burzum's new album is a fine example of what I like to call the Uncool Uncle Syndrome. UUS is easy to identify once you've seen the symptoms, and I'm sure many of you have experienced it already. Uncool Uncle Syndrome manifests itself thusly:

You have an awkward, single uncle in his mid-to-late 40's or early 50's who suffers from social issues and/or a drinking problem. This uncle used to be a rocker back in the day, and he's had an extremely hard time accepting the fact that he's getting old, his metabolism is slowing down, and he can't party like he used to. He still plays in a band, though, with a bunch of other middle-aged losers like himself. They are terrible. At some point, he talks you into going to see his depressing-ass band play live at some dive bar/county fair/junior high dance. Their music is awful, repetitive garbage devoid of creativity or inspiration. You barely escape with your sanity. Welcome to the soul-crushing despair of UUS.

Oh, also your uncle is a convicted murderer.

Instead, listen to Blood of Kingu, Sun In The House of The Scorpion.

4) NACHTMYSTIUM - ADDICTS: BLACK MEDDLE, PART 2

YACHT-MYSTIUM
NOT-MYSTIUM
NACHT-FISTIN'-EM
COCK-PISSTIUM
LIMP-WRISTIUM

meh.

Instead, listen to Impaled Nazarene, Road To The Octagon (it's not a concept album about UFC, I swear).

3) EVERY SWOOPY-HAIRED, TIGHT-PANTS-WEARING, CLEAN-CHORUS-SINGING, FALSE-METAL-ENDORSING, SYNCHRONIZED HEAD-BANGING, HOT-TOPIC-SHOPPING, ANNOYING-RINGTONE-HAVING, JESUS-LOVING, EMO-MAKEUP-WEARING-AND-NON-IRONICALLY-STUFF-YOU-WILL-HATE-READING "METALCORE" DOGSHIT PRISON-BAIT-BEING BAND THAT PUT OUT AN ALBUM IN 2010. Too many to list, unfortunately.

Instead, listen to Haiyano Daisuki's Invincible Gate Mind Of The Infernal Fire Hell EP.

2) A BULLET FOR PRETTY BOY - REVISION: REVISE

Just in case I didn't make my feelings on their genre perfectly clear up there in #3, and just on the off chance that you missed my thoughts on A Bullet For Pretty Boy back here, allow me to repeat myself: "YOUR GOD DOESN'T EXIST AND YOUR MUSIC IS LOWER THAN THE LOWEST IMAGINABLE FORM OF ROTTING, PURULENT PIGSHIT. IF THERE EVER WAS A "JESUS" (AND THERE WASN'T), HE WOULD TURN HIS BACK ON YOU AND CAST YOU OUT OF HIS FLOCK, IF ONLY TO CONVINCE YOU TO PUT DOWN YOUR GUITARS, YOUR KEYBOARDS, YOUR DRUMSTICKS, YOUR MICROPHONES, AND JUST WALK AWAY... WALK AWAY FROM "MUSIC" FOREVER, ALWAYS, FOR ETERNITY. DON'T EVER, EVER, EVER COME BACK. YOUR "INPUT" IS NOT NEEDED. GET A JOB, STOP LIVING OFF YOUR PARENTS, GO FAR, FAR, FAR AWAY FROM US--THE PEOPLE WHO APPRECIATE REAL MUSIC, MUSIC WITH SOUL, MUSIC WITH INTEGRITY, MUSIC WITH FUCKING BALLS!"

(Did you really think I was done with these guys?)

Instead, listen to the Satanic majesty of Inquisition's Ominous Doctrines of the Perpetual Mystical Macrocosm.

1) KVELERTAK - S/T

Yeah, yeah, I know. Everyone LOVES Kvelertak. Everyone HATES Kvelertak. Let's just hunker down and wait this one out, I guarantee that no one will even remember this band by December 2011.

A prediction: Kvelertak's career arc will be the exact career arc of their countrymen (and apparently main inspiration) Turbonegro. Just as Turbonegro started off playing ironic rock music disguised as punk rock, so too has Kvelertak begun their career by playing ironic rock music disguised as black metal. And just as Turbonegro slowly became a sad parody of themselves, losing their "punk rock" element and morphing into just plain bad ironic rock music, so too will Kvelertak drop any semblance to "menace" or "metal" in the near future, and before you know it all these jock-riding "metal critics" will be abandoning the Kvelertak Bandwagon like rats from a sinking ship. Irony upon irony. Hipsters rejoice!

Instead, listen to something truly face-melting, such as Defeated Sanity, Chapters of Repugnance. Or Vasaeleth, Crypt Born And Tethered To Ruin. Or Perdition Temple, Edict of The Antichrist Elect. Or Decrepit Birth, Polarity. Or Brain Drill, Quantum Catastrophe. Or Rings of Saturn's Embryonic Anomaly.
You can thank me later.


Also, I want to wish my Dad a happy birthday. That is all.

62 comments:

JGD said...

1) Kvelertak is indeed a pile of warmed-over trash. I'm glad people are realizing this so maybe we won't have to see them of the cover of Terrorizer every other month. I feel like a Lambgoat poster whenever anyone mentions them now.

2) I think that Cephalic Carnage record wasn't that bad? I'm surprised you'd point people towards that Rings of Saturn record, since it's one of the most retardedely stupid things I've ever heard.

3) You are being too hard on Enslaved. You were obviously still mad about that shitty Cynic EP when you wrote that.

p.s. Happy birthday, Dad Cobras!

Shelby Cobras said...

A) Rings of Saturn moshes the balls off of the new Cephalic. You of all people should recognize the inherent genius behind their crippling shred-meets-crushing slammz-meets aliens smoking weed in space aesthetic.

B) Remove the pop vocals from the Enslaved record and you've got a pretty decent disc on your hands. But yeah, I was probably still worked up about Re-Load. I mean, Re-Traced.

Roger Camden said...

http://img69.imageshack.us/img69/4351/graveyardmath.jpg

I disagree about Belus

Shelby Cobras said...

Hahaha thanks dude!

And you're wrong about Belus but I respect your right to be wrong.

The Thing That Should Not Be said...

You're TOTALLY right about Rings OF Saturn trouncing Cephalic Carnage, but I too take issue with the Enslaved denouncement. I kinda like it, although, to be fair, the Ghost album SHITS on it from a great height. Best description I heard of Ghost was 'Mercyful Fate covering Blue Oyster Cult'. If THAT doesn't win folks over, I dunno WHAT would.

I do not disagree in any way at all with your loathing of Tripetykon (see what i did there?), and I did in fact manage to fall out with Steve O'Malley quite vehemently over that fucking abomination. It's clear as FUCK to me that Frost without Ain sucks MAJOR FUCKING MOOSE TESTES. Oh, and Tom, LOSE THE FUCKING HAT and STOP SUCKING YOUR CHEEKS IN - you are fooling NOBODY.

Kvelertak are lousy, that is a fact - saw 'em live and could NOT figure out exactly what the fuck they thought they were doing - but......HIGH ON FIRE?!?!?!

ARE YOU FUCKING SHROOMING?!?!?!?!

Shelby Cobras said...

Being a Bay Area-based Hessian, I've enjoyed the opportunity to see High on Fire on several occasions. And without fail, I'm stoked on them exactly HALF of the time and completely nonplussed by them exactly HALF of the time. Pike wanks entirely too much, but they still know how to nail a fucking groove. I guess what I'm saying is that I don't feel very strongly either way about them: my issue was with the entirely-too-clean production on Snakes (and accordingly, the last couple albums leading up to it).

PS Say what you will about High on Fire, but you've gotta respect them for having the courage to be the only stoner metal band in history fronted by a drag queen.

Aesop said...

I like Alcest

bloodler said...

I agree on 95% but high on fires new album wasnt so bad, ive seen them a couple times and its always a boozed up good time. i have to complain about the suggestions though, well its kinda that...THEY ALL SUCK, cmon man all but maybe decrepit births polarity was worth posting. being a fan of old deicide, morbid angel and suffocation like myself you should know this. anyway great post.....as always

bloodler said...

drag queen?haha how bout a pic

Shelby Cobras said...

Who's that pretty lady?

http://www.action-pr.com/uploads/photos/181/HIGH%20ON%20FIRE_Decibel_cover_March2010.jpg

ABdozen said...

yeah fuck Kvelertak
nachtmystium should've been #2 though

Shelby Cobras said...

Aesop: I know you like Alcest, and that's okay. Your affinity for boring metal was a condition I accepted from the very beginning of our friendship. No harm done.

Bloodler: It's nice to know there's someone out there who hates metal even more than me, but please understand that your off-the-cuff dismissal of Inquisition's new album instantly negates any and all opinions you might present in future discussions.

bloodler said...

hmmm... hes not dressed in drag, but somethings not right. anyway, cephalic carnages album was a bummer maybe they arent smoking enough these days

bloodler said...

shelby have you ever met someone that smoked so many cigarettes that they had to surgically have a hole cut out in their throat and talk through a electronic device? well...thats what the chainsmoker from inquisition sounds like. also bullet for a pretty boy FUCKING OWNS!! never have i heard such majestic riffage, I like to put this godly album on after im teary eyed and the credits roll at the end of my twilight movies

Shelby Cobras said...

I've also heard the vocals from Inquisition described as being sung by the aliens from Mars Attacks. Either way.

A Bullet for Pretty Boy works equally well for teary-eyed credit rolling or slamming mad reps at the gym. There's really nothing they CAN'T do.

JGD said...

And they make me wanna just dance, dance, dance all night long. Especially the keyboard player.

abdul alhazred said...

Hey, but what about that Meads of Asphodel record, huh? That's some of the weirdest shit ever! I'm not sure how I feel about it, but I've certainly never heard anything like it.

Is Watain the KISS of black metal, or the Against Me? of black metal?

Ross C. said...

You forgot Agalloch, and Kylesa should be there instead of High on Fire.

Anonymous said...

Say what you want about Korn-- they put on a hell of a show at Mayhem fest this summer. I was pleasantly surprised, and I don't even like Korn.

Ambassador MAGMA said...

Fuck, Saurian Jihad = 100%! I fucking love that EP and I'm not even trying to get in your pants!

I love my alcoholic, medieval-aged uncle and his shitty band too. He has a lot of stories...

Shelby Cobras said...

What a totally strange random coincidence that the only commenter so far who is willing to stand up in defense of Korn is also the only one who has posted anonymously....?

So weird!

bloodler said...

Fuck teeniebopper korn, ''anonymous'' is probably a drunk uncle that only enjoyed the show because he was wasted and surrounded by middle school/high school girls

The Thing That Should Not Be said...

I vote that the words 'drunk uncle' should now be smashed together to form the portmanteau word 'Drunkle'. Who's with me??

Oh yeah, good call on switching HOF out for Kylesa. Gets MY vote.

JGD said...

I can't live in a world where people defend Korn on Illogical Contraption. Fuck.

Anonymous said...

Pike looks like a fucking dork with those boas. HOF lost it for me when they ousted J Preston. Blessed black wings was the shite...Bring back Joe doing the vocals so Matt can save his Lemmy voice and do a photo shoot with live grizzly bears on the front cover of a magazine..

Fucking snakes.

Shelby Cobras said...

The last HoF show that really blew me away was back in the Preston days, at the Blank Club in San Jose.

bloodler said...

I wholeheartedly agree that pike should take a photo shoot surrounded by live grizzly bears, i also want to spice it up a bit and put a raw salmon helmet on him.....that my friend would be an epic fucking metal mag cover, and i think he would earn his respect back

Mike said...

Just finally listened to the Triptykon album for the first time last night (after reading this post.) It's about 10% genuinely inspired playing/Frost-y weirdness and 90% zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

Anonymous said...

Sorry about the anon. I'm Alex_P of the Number of the Blog if you want to hunt and kill me.

Most I agree with, some I'll defend (really just Watain, whose image I don't give a rat's fuck about, and Cynic, whose EP is an EP because it's not really a full release, and besides I liked Traced in Air very much so to hear the songs in a different way was cool to me but I'd totally understand if you dislike their new shit because it's not like the old shit and this sentence is very long), but I have to say that some of your recommendations disappoint me. Sigh? Brain Drill? The Meads of Asphodel? Deathspell Omega? Those records range from overrated (DsO) to being indicative of what is wrong with modern metal (Brain Drill). In terms of shit my disappointment of the year was easily Electric Wizard. Not utterly awful, but I can't believe it's the same dudes who made Dopethrone.

Still, whatever. You got attention to your blog, so congrats.

Shelby Cobras said...

Haha, touche. I genuinely enjoyed all the releases you mentioned, especially Meads of Asphodel. Sure, the trumpets were too loud on the Sigh album or whatever, but I still think it's great (and highly listenable).

I dunno. Again, OPINIONS. I listened to these albums, and they disappointed me. I just finished reading 60+ comments on MetalSucks about what a poser/dick/old man/troll/failure/loser I am, and I have to admit, if nothing else, you still really have to step back and admire metal's ability to inspire PASSION in its fans sometimes. Even if they are bandwagon-hopping dumbshits.

/troll?

Anonymous said...

Yeah, totally bro. Opinions. That's what I and my fellow reviewers struggle with every day. "You're clearly bias against this band." No, I just listened to the record and disliked it. I had one guy tell me I wasn't an Electric Wizard fan because I didn't like the new record.

On MetalSucks people have the tendency to assume that people who don't agree with them or the general critical consensus are trollin'. As someone who hates High on Fire and a number of other things which people hold very dear (see: Dopesmoker), and who likes some... questionable things (fine, I'll say it. Dream Theater. Does it make me a bad person? Absolutely. It makes me the lowest ponytailed scum on the planet), I can tell when someone's trolling or not. There's no way you're trolling here.

Nice muscles, by the way.

Isaac said...

I actually liked most of those albums (the exceptions being 19, 16, 15, 12, 7, 6, obviously 3, and 2). I enjoyed your recommendations for the most part, especially Inquisition and Hayaino Daisuki.
It appears I don't elong here.

Isaac said...

Belong, rather.

Camellia sinensis said...

Allright Cobras! Your totally hated on Metal Sucks. Good work.

Society of trolls eh?

your totally wrong about Belus though.

fucking snakes.

Anonymous said...

Burzum is rubbish.I haven't heard it but I'm sure it's rubbish,mainly because varg is rubbish.Although as an uncle myself,not drunk right now,I have to defend the honour of uncles in general and their superior music taste over young whippersnappers.
Alcest I haven't heard it but I like pussy (not dicks) so it should be cool.
I like Enslaved but because of the clean vocals.I grow so weary of the grumbly monster vocals.When you become an uncle and you have to watch childrens programmes all the time sesame street loses some of it's appeal.
Why people have so many worries about Korn I'm not sure,but that last album was rather rubbish.

The Thing That Should Not Be said...

You Maniac! You blew it up! Ah, damn you! God damn you all to hell! ...

Anonymous said...

Thou haste to thine own doom pool is complete with ye damnation of Exodus. Thou art damned!

Anonymous said...

The writer is neither funny, nor witty.

John said...

I disagree about the Exodus portion. Exodus's vocalist may not be the world's best but Holt's leads and riffing alone make it a great album.

Bill Riccio said...

how can you trash on Watain for being untrve and being pretentious and selling there message as gold and then recommend dSo, the most artsy pretentious band in all of black metal, once they get alittle amount of fame you'll be "abandoning the DSO Bandwagon like rats from a sinking ship. Irony upon irony. Hipsters rejoice!"
and before i get labeled a Watain fan-boy, I assure im not. Although I did catch them on there most recent tour.

Sakkage said...

Korn rules!!!

The Thing That Should Not Be said...

Ohhhhhhh....you've done it now. Look at the can of worms you've opened now young man! Bill - he was attacking Watain for working with Scion, not because they're 'hip'. How can you have an 'anti-commercial' stance - and I mean 'commercial' as in big business - when you're shilling for a major car company? As for Deathspell Omega, I've seen waaaaaay more arty and pretentious BM bands - Blut Aus Nord spring to mind - but none of 'em as damn GOOD as DsO. The reason so many people are now paying attention to DsO is because over the last couple of records THEY GOT GOOD. Hell, I fucking LOATHE 'trve nekro' BM, but show me a bunch of arty weirdos doing something INVENTIVE and I'll fucking LAP IT UP - because it's INTERESTING.

Also, it's 'their' not 'there'.

Oh, and anonymous #7, I disagree, Cobras cracks me up often.

What IS it with the internet and people not being able to grasp the concept of 'opinion'? Opinion is just THAT - it's UNQUANTIFIABLE - opinion is not fact, so CALM THE FUCK DOWN AND GO LISTEN TO VOIVOD.

Charles T Heckler said...

The new AttackAttack! album is better than their first one. I overheard someone less cool than me playing it in the other room.

Charles T Heckler said...

I was in Best Buy looking for metal cd's and got to pwn some kids and then whipped on my Oakley's, cool as a muthafucka!

Charles T Heckler said...

Cobras, you're not br00tal and kvlt as fuck. Metal is loud, nothing else, except when it's Alcest.

Wait, sorry, I should totally use my facebook login to post here, so much more convenient!

Shelby Cobras said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Shelby Cobras said...

Funny you should bring that up, Charles. The concensus around here seems to be that I, and by extension this blog, am old and out of touch with what's "hip" and "cool". But our IT team is currently working on a couple of new features, and soon you will be able to comment on IC from the comfort of your very own Friendster account!

Super_Buick said...

That's the best you can do?
Matt Pike is a drag queen because of one magazine cover?
That is hardly relevant to the music.
Poster boy is stupid term. Pike is becoming more recognized as High on Fire is getting more popular; seeing his impact on the development of stoner metal, I would say this is totally deserving.

I can see complaining about the recording quality, but it by no means belongs on this list; especially if your alternative is no more than Electric Wizard clone.

For the most part, you've just gone out of your way to dump on bands that are becoming popular or are generally well liked. If that's your attitude, why not go beat off to some 4-track cassettes of a basement recording from a black metal band that no one will ever hear because it would ruin their "credibility."

This list is a joke, and so are you. This is article is sophomoric at best, and I'm sure you've disappointed every English teacher that ever had the misfortune to instruct you.

Roger Camden said...

the butthurt is about tits deep around here

meanwhile, they're drowning over at metalsucks

Shelby Cobras said...

Super-Buick is a fromper. That's someone who farts in the tub and then eats the bubbles.

Manslaughter said...

FROMPY FROMPERS ALL AROUND WOOO!!!!

Anonymous said...

I thought the new Korn has a fair amount of decent songs. The Oildale riff is a whole bunch of awesome heavy groove.

The Thing That Should Not Be said...

PEOPLE OF THE INTERNET, 'Super_Buick' in particular, STOP TAKING THINGS SERIOUSLY, IT MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE A COCK.

We call 'em Twerps here, not Frompers, but the term definitely applies. If you don't like it or agree, FUCK OFF AND DON'T BOTHER POSTING. All it does is make YOU look stupid.

The Thing That Should Not Be said...

I enjoyed the first Korn album, hell I saw their first UK show. It was alright. BUT, then I heard a copy of the demo that got them signed...seriously, have you heard it? It really is fucking LOUSY. 'Blind' has these really cheesy L.A. metal riffs in it that just go to prove that Ross Robinson CLEARLY made Korn sound WAY better than they actually were. Also, I saw something claiming that Godflesh were an influence on Korn...WRONG - They'd never heard of 'em.

BOY have Korn sucked since 'Life is Peachy'.

bloodler said...

shelby grats on pissing everybody off! there comments are very entertaining, i like the list and agree, if they were to consider your influences they would understand more. i have a very hard time finding releases i enjoy myself these days. metalsucks hardly ever post anything interesting anyways, i used to have their news in an rss feed, but got tired of all the garbage and deathcore news bullshit, but hey, illcons updates go straight to my phone ;)

RiigormortiiS said...

Super right about Exodus and Burzum. Alternate Exodus band names was especially hilarious. I think Lawless Darkness was pretty damn good but you didn't actually say anything about the MUSIC itself on that record being bad so that's cool with me.

Ambassador MAGMA said...

Judas H. Priest!

The level of fromping douche drunkle finntrolling is off the scale!

I probably said some dumb shit when I was 15 too... luckily the internet wasn't around to record it.

Andy said...

i downloaded that kvelertak album off some torrent upon some hype, hoping that maybe their brand of music would grow on me. however it didn't and that band got deleted off my ipod. good riddance.

good list, couldntve written in better myself. korn should be #1 though.

Anonymous said...

disagree about Triptykon, but thanks for 'speaking the truth' about Alcest. shoegazer metal rarely ever works--in fact, most metal influenced by so called post rock rarely does either, because the metal bands tend to adopt those influences far too late in the proceedings for it to be effective--and Alcest are another dull, middle of the road band that might have sounded interesting back in the late 90's when the underground was spreading its wings, but now sounds tired.

jesse said...

I AM SO GLAD YOU THINK ALCEST LEAVES STINK OF PUSSY ON LISTENERS. i call them SNAG metal. i saw them in helsinki and can't listen to anything neige does anymore. i can still smell it.

wireless darkness said...

hi! i'm late and read you post at the living doorway. so,

1: Albums that should not have been on the list: Alcest, Triptyklon. the alcest is rather beautiful album considering what the guy has done previously, the opeth criticism comes from listening to opeth (hah), and it's nice to see him still having a little black metal in him after his previous one which had some enya-esque'd moments. the trypty album....you didn't like monothiest? it's basically a sister album. his vocals get a little annoying on the first two tracks after a few listens obviously, but otherwise its a great starting full length to me.

2: belus i will seriously let you argue, but i wish you would have given time for fallen to drop. both of those albums should have been one non boring album. instant skips on both albums for me.

3: stop recommending shitty albums to replace shittier albums. the worst being you recommending the new deathspell omega instead of the new watain. both are absolute bullshit aimed for media exposure.

Wvrm said...

Shelby, you're trying to hard, dude. Shittiest, most obvious troll I've ever seen in my life. You weren't very funny, either. Minus one troll point. Please try again.