Monday, September 13, 2010

BREAKING NEWS: Shelby Cobras Thoroughly PWNT By Rap Master Maurice Via Voice Mail Message


Nobody's perfect, okay?
Several months ago, I announced the 2nd Annual IC Coloring Contest, offering a "smug sense of superiority" to the winner. We received nigh unto a dozen entries, running the gamut from intricate and well-crafted to sloppy and sophomoric. You guys remember that, right? Well, a couple days later, I announced the winning entry ('These Colors Don't Run', April 2nd, 2010), an astounding piece of postmodern expressionism (above) submitted by none other than my own 4-year-old nephew, Carlos. It is quite possible that there was a smidgen of nepotism involved. But probably not.
Anyhow, I offered Carlos the award of his choice as compensation for said victory. He requested "stretchy dinosaurs". Being the kind and benevolent uncle that I am, I totally flaked. 100%. Didn't follow through. Bailed, split, blew it. I suck.
Nobody's perfect.
But the story didn't end there.

Just this last Thursday, I was treated to an absolute literary smack-down (via voice mail) from none other than RAP MASTER MAURICE, a "mercenary revenge rapper" recently profiled on NPR for his heroic actions on behalf of the mistreated and maladjusted.

NOTICE: RAP MASTER MAURICE DOES NOT WEAR A DRESS. It is a "One-Piece Revenge Kilt".

Allow me to explain just a little further: RMM is something of a "people's poet", a guy who will deliver a clever, rhyming phone message to those who have wronged you for the paltry sum of $12 ("friendly" messages cost $19). Well, apparently my sister procured Maurice's services last week, as the aural assault that can be heard below greeted me when I hit "1" on my T-Mobile just recently. Ouch:




HARSH.
But Rap Master Maurice gets results. I offer my deepest, heartfelt apologies to my nephew, who will be receiving a large package containing all manner of dinosaur-related goodies in a few days (said package was shipped Priority Mail as of 3 hours ago).
I'm a guy who can admit that he messed up. And I messed up. I just hope that Lil' C can find it in his heart to forgive me.
Hey, nobody's perfect.


- If you'd like to procure Rap Master Maurice's services, just use the link to his website offered earlier in this post. Results are 100% guaranteed*.


*Results are NOT 100% guaranteed.

6 comments:

Tamara said...

It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. And you sir, are a big man.

Manslaughter said...

WHY WONT IT PLAY FOR ME GODDAMMIT! Tamara, you are hilarious. Shelby, shame on you. But thanks again for all my goodies. You shall not be getting one of these from me sir!!!

The Thing That Should Not Be said...

If I was promised stretchy dinosaurs and you failed to deliver, I'D have done EXACTLY the same thing. NEVER promise stretchy dinosaurs and fail to cough up.

Crankenstien said...

send that gift stop creatin family rifts

Tamara said...

I guess it just goes to show, never underestimate the wrath of a mother whose child has been scorned.

Aylmer said...

You are a bad bad man.