Thursday, December 9, 2010


Well, it appears I've fucked up again. Monumentally. I've angered A LOT of people this time around, and I feel that the only recourse is to offer a deep, heartfelt apology. I've done plenty of soul-searching over the last couple of days. I've taken stock of my life, my opinions, my beliefs. And I've been wrong. Terribly, terribly wrong. My soapbox, as they say, is made of rice paper.
Just to bring anyone "out of the loop" up to speed, this week's chain of events went something like this: on Monday morning, I published THIS list of "the top 20 shittiest metal albums of 2010", a list I put many hours and much thought into. The list was based solely on my opinions, not those of anyone else in any way responsible for this blog, and therefore I feel I must deal exclusively with the resulting shitstorm. You see, the very next day after it was published here on IC, heavy metal uberblog MetalSucks got ahold of the list (OK, I admit, I emailed it to them), and linked to it HERE, sending their immense and rather rabid fan base into a righteous rage. The readers of MetalSucks were NOT HAPPY AT ALL with my shitty album picks, and let me know about it through the course of well over 100 angry comments.
They demanded blood. They demanded answers. Who the fuck IS this guy? Why does his blog look so stupid? Why would he say such terrible things about such honest, hard-working musicians in such a foul and unjust way? Is this some kind of troll? A joke?

Well, the simple answer (to the last question, at least) is YES. Of course it was a troll. Of course it was a joke. What kind of sick freak would openly and honestly express his opinions about art, if said opinions were CLEARLY not the same opinions held by popular consensus in the social norm? That would be suicide.

To tell the truth, I'm new to metal. I've only actually started listening to music of the genre in the last couple days or so, and despite cleverly disguising my inexperience behind two solid years of writing about metal on a daily basis (not to mention attending metal shows and buying metal records for well over half of my 31-year lifespan), my proverbial "pose" has been "exposed". In a way, it's sort of a relief. I can finally give up the facade. For this, I must thank the readers of MetalSucks. You have given me my life back.
For some reason, I felt that the only way to gain any credibilty in the cutthroat world of not-for-profit music blogging was to make loud, false claims about popular records in front of an audience that clearly had much better taste and much deeper knowledge.
MetalSucks reader Moltanic saw through my ruse immediately, and put it thusly:

"Honestly, I’m doubting this guy’s even a metalhead. I get it ,he listens to Deicide and Suffocation. He doesn’t need to namedrop those two bands almost every paragraph. I know people like this guy, who listen to one or two extreme metal bands, and all of a sudden think they’re br00tal and kvlt as fuck. 100$ says if I looked at his iPod almost every band there would be indie, post-grunge or pop punk :\"

Fuck. Never have I been called out so brutally or so accurately.

Clicking through my iPod right now is something of a revelation: post-grunge, post-grunge, post-grunge.... Effigy of The Forgotten, post-grunge, post-grunge.... post-grunge, post-grunge, Legion, post-grunge... DAMMIT! He nailed me. It took the words of a total stranger to expose me to myself. Fuck. I am a poser. FUCK.

Obviously, I made a mistake in sharing my thoughts on subjects like these on a closely-regulated medium like the internet. Unfortunately, the US Constitution (as of this writing) has no provisions to limit our ability to express our ideas and opinions--maybe if it had I wouldn't have ended up making such an ass of myself out in public. Luckily, we're moving in the right direction as a society, and people who stir up shit on the internet are finally going to jail, where they belong.

But all that is beside the point. I really just want to say that I'M SORRY.

It's true, my list--the list that caused so much anger and pain in the metal community--was based entirely upon a false premise. The only way to rectify the situation, it seems, is to expose that false premise for what it was. Perhaps, after my admission, we can begin to heal, not only as a community, but as a nation, as a world. Here goes:


There, I said it. I hope we can still be friends.

Virtue debases itself in justifying itself.

- Voltaire, 1718

Opinions have caused more ills than the plague or earthquakes on this little globe of ours.

- Voltaire, 1759

I always made one prayer to God, a very short one. Here it is: "O Lord, make our enemies quite ridiculous!" God granted it.

- Voltaire, 1767

And lastly:

I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.

- Evelyn Beatrice Hall, 1906 (often falsely attributed to Voltaire)


Helm said...

Seriously though, did the metalsucks thing affect you?

Shelby Cobras said...

Didn't you see the pictures of me crying and praying?

Ross C. said...

Probably the funniest post on this blog.

Fuck Metalsucks. Don't those guys still cover Slipknot, Limp Bizkit, and wigger slam? Isn't that the site that tried to push "sumeriancore" on everyone? What the fuck do those idiots know about music??

atanamar said...

Best post ever. Laughed really, really hard. Thanks.

The Thing That Should Not Be said...

Who said Americans don't do sarcasm well?

The Goodkind said...

I'm touched, I truly am touched by your soul-searching Cobras. You've really grown as a person. I'll be hosting a TM retreat on Mt. Ranier next week. We're going to be focusing on cleansing our purple chakras and it's be great if you came along.

Shelby Cobras said...

Thanks Seth, this whole debacle has really fucked with my chi. Should I bring my own healing crystals or is it safe to assume that they will be supplied?

abdul alhazred said...

I would like to belatedly suggest "Made of Metal" by Halford as the worst one I listened to all year.

Steven said...

Congrats on combining Six Feet Under and Voltaire in one post. Let's see MetalSucks pull that off with similar grace.

Ambassador MAGMA said...

I truly feel your pain and I know that you are humbled. In the wake of such a terrible tragedy, it is easy to forget who we are and let our own convictions get in the way of true feelings. Cathy is ending, Operah is going off the air, and Korn still turn a profit. We live in such an age of turmoil and uncertainty, how will we know which way to turn?

I will always be there, with a carton of Ben and Jerry's and a copy of Chicken Soup for the Metal Soul. I hope Jesus will touch you, much as he has fondled me and answer all your desires for Christian metal.

Anonymous said...

Admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery. May peace be with you.

Cory said...

I am crying and masturbating to that Alcest album right now.

Anonymous said...

Metalsucks blows, bunch of easily butt-hurt, basement-dwelling, D&D-playing metal nerds who cry themselves to sleep if you dare to tell them Pantera only had like six decent songs. Having those fags hate your list only validates it further IMO.

Asa said...

Metalsucks is definitely in the same realm of Blabbermouth and Lambgoat as having the worst following ever. This post was epic. The new Nachtmystium seemed uninteresting and Six Feet Under has never been good. Much love, Shelbs.

Mister Booze said...

Charles T Heckler said...

The only album that truly sucked on your entire list was that Crustaceans shit.

Erik Del Tigre said...

Oh man, I'm late to the party. I just read all the comments on that Worst Of list, and on the MetalSucks repost. I should have been here--my trolling skills are second to none. Except maybe Shelby when he's being serious.

PS: when you're fucking with metalheads, wouldn't you call it FINNtrolling??

Crankenstien said...

stand your ground troll you were always right

Roger Camden said...

"To tell the truth, I'm new to metal."

aw shit
I almost choked on this coffee

Aylmer said...

Ill Con's 9/11!

Grk! said...

Oi, Anna Nimmoti! I'm a homo & I don't like Metalsucks either.

Shelby Cobras said...

Ha! I'm gonna print up bumper stickers that say "Remember Bottom 20" with the Illogical header rippling in the wind.

Anonymous said...

This is brilliant. This right here is why I love IllCon.

Well, that and the music.