BROMANTIC FUCKING INTERLUDE #16: Bromancing the Stone with JGD

Okay, assholes. Listen up.
It's been a long-ass fucking time since we did one of these things.
But it is time. And it is time because Mr. Jaime Glen Danzig (right) is pretty much IllCon's new BFF. Got it? Good. Now fuck off and fucking die, poser twat.

-Cobras

Hey dudes. I'm JGD and I do a blog called The Living Doorway. I mostly talk about childhood traumas, my idiotic pets, and how shitty my job is under the guise of writing about death metal, but the facade has worn really thin and I'm pretty sure everyone is on to me by now. Shelby invited me to write a Bromantic Interlude over here on the IC, which is awesome because my girlfriend once had a dream that I spent my entire life savings opening a rollerskating rink called 'Bromantic Slides', which presumably wasn't a very financially sound career move, but definitely a pretty awesome name for a rollerskating rink. It also sort of sucks writing stuff here because I'm not a music/actual nerd like the rest of you dudes and can't write a history paper on some cool obscure metal genre or whatever the fuck for you. I'm afraid you are just going to have to collect all your lo-fi Ukrainian folk metal information from someone else. The only other option I considered was writing about musicians who had most likely sold their souls to the devil, but I'm lazy and that requires a lot of research, not to mention that there is a surprising lack of Robert Johnston videos on youtube to help make up for the inevitable lack of content. So I dunno. Instead of making some bullshit "mix tape" of crappy death metal that you won't even bother to download, I'm going to take the easy way out and just shoot a bunch of retarded fish in a very small barrel. Yes, I'm talking about CELEBRITY BANDS.


Celebrities are awesome. They do all sorts of stupid shit to keep the general population entertained, most of the time without ever even having to act or do anything that requires any talent. They get arrested for drugs, drunkenly babble in barely coherent interviews, and have full on mental and emotional breakdowns on the world wide stage. They make us feel better about ourselves because most of us can actually hold down a steady job, raise a family, and sustain a healthy coke habit even without earning ten million dollars a year. That's why we are so delighted when Paris Hilton can't avoid getting thrown into the slammer because she's simply too stupid to not pull out a baggie of cocaine in front of a bunch of cops. Totally rad, right? YOU HAVE EVERYTHING AND YOU FAILED. For some celebrities, the complete inability to develop into a reasonably functional human being isn't enough: they actually have to go out of their way to make sure that the entire world knows they still have what it takes to totally suck. This usually happens when A: the celebrity gets cocky and thinks the world can't go another day without a song called 'Party All The Time,' or B: the fame starts to erode and they make a desperate bid to jumpstart their career with what will surely be the hottest single of the year. What most celebs don't seem to realize is that being and actor/musician is on par with being a car/boat. How many people do you see driving car-boats around? That's right: none. Because car-boats are shitty cars, and they are also shitty boats.


I'd like to start our foray into shitty celebrity music with a band called 30 Seconds to Mars, featuring a very pretty man named Jared Leto. You might remember him as the dude who got his face destroyed in Fight Club, or to a lesser extent, the fat guy with glasses in that shitty movie about John Lennon's murderer. I actually got a call last week from a good friend of mine, who was unable to have Thanksgiving with us because he was meeting with the management of this horrible band to potentially join them as a touring guitarist. I'm pretty sure that actually knowing someone who might join this group for having the right "look" should disqualify me from writing about metal for the rest of my life, but he assured me he would only accept the position in order to make retarded amounts of money while having sex with a lot of equally retarded groupies. I'll keep you posted, I guess. Anyway, it's important to point out that these fucking douchelords are faker than a cargo jet full of fake dog crap and I hope they all die slow terrible deaths for polluting the world with their foul existence. Potential touring guitarist excluded.




Oh great, a bunch of twangy generic fake-Americana bullshit from what is surely the ugliest man to ever have his name tattooed on the wretched harpy known as Angelina Jolie. What an absolute delight. It's awesome when dudes like Billy Bob get all bent out of shape when interviewers don't ask him enough band-related questions, when the only interesting thing about his entire existence is that he got to see Lara Croft: Tomb Raider naked.




"My name is Gladiator. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife, singer of 30-Odd Foot of Grunts." I don't want to say anything too bad about this because Shelby is a pretty big fan, but yeah. Fuck this shit.




Before Rick James became famous again for having cocaine-fueled fights with Charlie Murphy, he made some music with his brother Eddie and it sucked. I think my mom used to listen to this a lot. She was pretty into cassingles for a while. Anyway, the real bummer is that this video is still better than any movie he's been in over the last ten years.




OHHHH WOWWWWWW SCARLET JOHANSSON SHE SO PRETTY. Big deal. Can you imagine how excruciating it would be to have to spend an hour in the company of this monotone idiot? Based on this one single song that I only listened to half of, I would suggest to Scarjo that she pursue different avenues of personal expression. Maybe some videos of her watching ice melt. Or a montage of her yawning several thousand times in a row. Or perhaps a triumphant return to her successful career of being a lifeless mannequin in every single movie she's ever been in. Apparently one of her big inspirations is Tom Waits, who reportedly flung his aging carcass from the roof of the nearest building upon hearing the news.




I'm trying to think of something shitty to say about this but it's just too good. Sick rhymes, good flow, great muscles. John Cena #1.




Oh jesus fucking christ. I told you this was going to be shooting fish in a barrel. Look at this guy. It's like a B-list celebrity version of Blues Hammer. I almost feel bad hating this because I bet Seagal could really use whatever amount of tips he gets at open mic night, but FUCK. What a bloated sack of humorless garbage. Law Man, my ass.




There's not a lot of actors that irritate me as much as Juliette Lewis. I can barely stand the sight of her face (is it me or is she slowly morphing into Steven Tyler?), let alone sit through an entire movie of her trying to act. So I was stoked when she decided to take a step away from film and focus on her crappy band for a while, because I figured it'd be way easier to avoid her that way. And yet, here I am, torturing myself with this god awful bullshit video of her running around town like some retarded 80's Pocahontas. I hate you, Juliette Lewis, and you certainly didn't deserve that role you scored in Old School.




Hey look it's fucking Edgar Frog from The Lost Boys being a fucking asshole in front of the entire world. I feel really bad that your conjoined twin died after filming License to Drive, but there's no excuse for ripping off every single one of Michael Jackson's moves and slaughtering them to a soundtrack of undiluted pop drivel. I could go on and on about how awful this is, but by now it's just a universal truth that Corey Feldman is a sad, talentless, attention-starved little man who no one actually likes. I'm sure that even his mom thought this sucked. And seriously, the real question is WHO THE FUCK thought this was a marketable idea? Who green-lighted this sonic/visual abortion and was like "yeah, lets sink some serious moolah into this kid!"? You could practically seen him him falling off the celebrity ladder and hitting every step on the way down as soon as The Goonies wrapped up.




Well, here is 100% irrefutable proof that Will Smith is the king Midas of suck. Everything he touches is rendered irrevocably shit-blasted, as evidenced by Jada Pinkett Smith's misguided attempt to front a "heavy metal" band on national television. Fuck dude, I don't even know what to say about this. It's beyond eye-rolling or groan-inducing: it's a veritable black hole of terribleness, consuming every ounce of my strength to carry on. This is life-destroyingly bad. I just want to lay down and sleep forever so I never have to be exposed to this video again. Why didn't anyone stop her? Why didn't anyone say, "hey, your band is absolute garbage and even if they weren't, your voice sounds really stupid and you don't have a fucking clue what you are doing, so maybe you should reconsider playing live on LATE NIGHT WITH DAVID FUCKING LETTERMAN." Nope. Not one single person chimed in with a whisper of reputation-salvaging advice. Not even a "Hey, it's gonna take a lot more than crazy eyes, big jeans, and some cool robot moves to pull this off, Jada." The thing that really sucks is that you can tell that the guy in the Carcass shirt knows better and is totally ashamed of himself, but hey, your kids braces aren't going to pay for themselves, you know?




Okay, this has put a big enough dent in my soul for one evening, so I'll leave it at that. I'm sure I missed a ton of other incredibly shitty celebrity garbage, so why don't you go ahead and post your favorites in the comments. Oh, and thanks to Shelby and the assorted bro-dogs at Illogical Contraption for the space. I like the way you do stuff.

Wait wait wait. It feels weird doing a post without talking about death metal, so maybe I'd feel better if I also posted some of my favorite records of 2010? Yeah. Let's give it a try:

In no particular order:

Undergang - Indhentet af Døden
Vasaeleth - Crypt Born & Tethered To Ruin
Acid Witch - Stoned
Hail Of Bullets - On Divine Winds
Necrite - Sic Transit Gloria Mundi
Decrepit Birth - Polarity
Stargazer - A Great Work of Ages
Weapon - From The Devil's Tomb
Father Befouled - Morbid Destitution of Covenant
Deathspell Omega - Paracletus
Cemetery Urn - The Conquered Are Burned
Sargeist - Let the Devil In
Entrails - Tales From the Morgue
Swans - My Father Will Guide Me Up a Rope to the Sky
Defeated Sanity - Chapters Of Repugnance

Okay see ya.