Friday, May 15, 2009

THE ILLOGICAL CONTRAPTION 500: A RETROSPECTIVE

Or: What A Short, Normal Trip It's Been


Jeez, it seems like only 5 and a half months ago.....

Exactly 5 and a half months ago, it began. Illogical Contraption was born on nothing but a wing, a prayer, a laptop, and a whole bunch of frosty suds. 500 posts and a WHOLE LOT of Carpal Tunnel later, Illogical Contraption is the MOST POPULAR blog in the entire WORLD, hailed as quite possibly the best thing on the internet EVER.
To celebrate the monumental achievements of the "Little Blog That Could", I've decided to do a little "retrospective" today, running through some of the soaring highs and mind-numbing lows we've experienced through the course of the last 500 installments. Look at it as a cross between a "Greatest Hits" album and a sitcom "clip show". This post will be a good place for new readers to catch up on what they might have missed, as well as a walk down memory lane for the millions of die-hard fans that have been here since day one. I'll try and do one of these every 500 posts or so from here on out. That being said, let's begin...

-Dec. 1st, 2008: The first post ever, featuring a brief introduction and an image of an enthroned Skeletor, appears on www.illogicalcontraption.blogspot.com. Rioting, looting, and chaos break out in the streets of San Francisco as tens of fans celebrate in an orgy of frenzied debauchery.

-Dec. 3rd, 2008: A study on the perplexing issue of mantlers (left) is posted, throwing the global scientific community into utter confusion.
-Dec. 8th, 2008: Illogical Contraption turns one week old. Aesop celebrates.
-Dec. 12th, 2008: Illogical Contraption publishes an expose on the forgotten late 80's television show Captain and the Soldiers of the Future. As a result, Captain Power's imdb user rating skyrockets 0.1%.
-Dec. 21st, 2008: A long standing rivalry is established with that knucklehead over at Cory Is A Feeling. To date, the conflict remains unresolved.
-Jan. 2nd, 2009: The legendary Repka vs. Seagrave Heavy Metal Album Cover Grudge Match begins. In a stunning turn of events, Michael Whelan wins.

-Jan. 6th, 2009: 5 words: Revenge of Zombie Cyborg Hitler!
-Jan. 13th, 2009: Illogical Contraption slags Burning Man. Unsurprisingly, Burners get butt-hurt.
-Jan. 20th, 2009: Millions of innocent lives are spared when a Doomsday Survival Guide is published, whose importance overshadows any other historic events which may have happened on this particular day.

-Jan. 29th, 2009: The epic Frazetta vs. Vallejo Fantasy Art Grudge Match takes place. Despite a strong showing by Vallejo (left), Frazetta prevails.
-Feb. 1st, 2009: It is revealed that future Illogical Contraption contributing writer Erik Del Tigre has a dinosaur named after him. Erik responds, "Oh yeah, I forgot about that".
-Feb. 10th, 2009: A short piece on
Heavy Metal Cryptozoology is published, once again devastating a scientific community still recovering from the "Mantler Debacle".
-Feb. 12th, 2009: First documented case of weirdness involving the I.C. Hit Counter.
-Feb. 14th, 2009: Tom Selleck ANNIHILATES Alec Baldwin in the 80's Chest Hair Challenge (right).
-Feb. 18th, 2009: The first and only download link is cheerfully removed from Illogical Contraption, after a complaint from prog-rock dinosaurs King Crimson.
-Feb. 24th, 2009: The first piece written by someone besides myself is published, a review of the B-movie classic Eliminators by Erik Del Tigre. Don't tell him, but I still haven't seen it.
-Feb. 28th, 2009: Introductory post from frequent contributor Peter, about Absu, pizza, and Texas.

-March 5th, 2009: In a stunning show of conceptual genius, I review the sci-fi/horror classic Future-Kill LIVE (left), without any lag time whatsoever.
-March 6th, 2009: First post from K-Rock, Druish Princess from Denver.
-March 10th, 2009: The hefty, 900-page Illuminatus! Trilogy is cooked down into a 6-paragraph summary, widely regarded as superior to the original.
-March 19th, 2009: Illogical Contraption breaks an exclusive story about The Artist Formerly Known As Prince, Formerly Known As The Artist Formerly Known As Prince, Currently Known As An Indescribable Fragrance.
-March 20th, 2009: First (and only) post from "The Heckler", who, in typical "Heckler" fashion, informs us that we all suck and he rules.

-March 24th, 2009: Illogical Contraption debuts its first annual Coloring Contest. I.C. reader "Smeg" wins by default (right).
-March 30th, 2009: Illogical Contraption signs with its first ever corporate sponsor, Skimmy Jabrone Realty, Inc.
-April 6th, 2009: First run-in with the faux SF space-cult known as The Jejune Institute. Espionage, counterespionage, and general weirdness ensue.
-April 6th, 2009: A piece on Reputaion-Destroying Metal Albums throws the internet into chaos, causing confused nerds at this message board to heatedly discuss whether or not I was making fun of glam-era Pantera (below). For the first time, Illogical Contraption is referred to as "the poor man's Metal Inquisition".

-April 7th, 2009: First post from TMM, The Green Mountain Hellion.
-April 20th, 2009: First-time contributor Ethanomicon premieres his homemade creature flick, Monsterlab, to rave reviews. Although it has been his only post so far, inside sources tell me that more films are on the way soon.
-May 2nd, 2009: Illogical Contraption debuts a bold new 3-column format. In a stunning show of support, approximately 5 out of 7 readers vote it a positive improvement (actually, it was EXACTLY 5 out of 7 - total).
-May 8th, 2009: Second documented case of I.C. Hit Counter-related weirdness.
-A couple hours ago: The best record review EVER appears on Illogical Contraption.


Also.....

TOP 10 MOST DOWNLOADED ALBUMS (So far):

10) Drudkh - Blood In Our Wells
9) (tie) Siege - Drop Dead & The Crucifucks - Our Will Be Done
8) (tie) Iron Lung - Life. Iron Lung. Death & Jerry Goldsmith - Logan's Run Soundtrack
7) Demilich - Nespithe
6) Deathspell Omega - Kenose
5) Discordance Axis - The Inalienable Dreamless
4) Jerry Goldsmith - The Omen Soundtrack
3) (tie) Rorschach - Protestant & Rudimentary Peni - Cacophony
2) Idiot Flesh - The Nothing Show
1) (tie) Malachi - Self-Titled & Facedowninshit - Shit Bloody Shit


AND NOW, THE AWARDS CEREMONY...

In honor of this momentous occasion, a panel of distinguished judge convened to cast his votes in several different categories. After the meticulous process of counting my votes concluded, the results are in...

-BEST POST

Tough call, but I've gotta hand it to "ILLOGICAL CONTRAPTION: THE MOVIE" (Feb. 6th, 2009). An epic work of heart-wrenching genius, this post was written as a movie pitch for the Illogical Contraption blog ITSELF, and incorporated almost EVERY element that makes this blog so AWESOME: Dinosaurs, Metal, Conspiracies, Keytars, Death, Sci-Fi, Lazers, Unicorns, The Large Hadron Collider... Even Wilford Brimley!
Ostensibly a love story about Sweet Baby Jay (shown at right as The Baroness) and blogger Kirby Serpents (played by Bruce Campbell), the film treatment itself is as creative as it is brutal, and as trippy as it is heartwarming. Currently, I'm in the negotiation process with four major studios who want to shoot Illogical Contraption: The Movie. I'll keep you guys updated on how that all turns out.

-WORST POST

This one would have to go to those two posts I did ("SWEET JESUS THAT'S SMOOTH!" on Dec. 11th, 2008 and "PROMISE KEEPER" on Dec. 14th, 2008) that were basically just recaps of the Channel101.com series "Yacht Rock". I mean, really. Would it be that hard for the average reader to just GO OVER to Youtube and watch these episodes there? Poorly executed, poorly thought out, basically just an overall waste of time. Although I have a bad habit of getting all excited about 5 year old internet memes that everyone already knows about, THESE two posts were the worst. Boooo, Cobras. BOOOOOOO.

-BEST USE OF THE TERM "HANGOVER DIAHRREA FUEL IN A BAG"

This one, of course, goes to yesterday's post, entitled "BECAUSE YOU'LL NEVER REGRET A BOOZE-FUELED LATE NIGHT MEXICAN FOOD BINGE...". Celebrating I.C.'s new endorsement deal with Late Night Doritos (right), the phrase was coined in reference to a top-secret upcoming Doritos flavor. Although this particular phrase hasn't quite caught on with the kids yet, marketing research reveals that it will be in heavy rotation with SF hipsters by the end of August.

-MOST WIDELY READ POST

"SEUSS-ICIDE" (March 2nd, 2009 - Dr. Seuss' birthday). This poem I wrote about Norwegian black metal in the style of of Dr. Seuss was re-published on uber-nerdy megablog MetalSucks a couple of days after I wrote it. I'm not sure exactly how many people read it, but if you Google search "black metal dr. seuss", it's the first thing that comes up. So, maybe... A BILLION?



-BIGGEST WASTE OF TIME

The biggest waste of time (on my part) would have to be the 5-part "Wizard of Super-Ego" series that ran from March 31st to April 8th. I mean, Jesus, do you guys know how long it TOOK ME to find all of those "Wizard of Id" cartoon panels, much less scrub out all the word bubbles and add in my own dialogue? I put ALOT of time into that shit! Dammit.
Read it here (not that anyone ACTUALLY WILL): ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE.

-BEST BLOGEMATOGRAPHY

The best mise en scene, aka creative image manipulation, aka blogematography, has got to go to "ILLOGICAL CONTRAPTION: THE MOVIE" as well. Get a load of that header image (below)! It's a BLOG, WITHIN A BLOG, WITHIN A BLOG, WITHIN A BLOG! Fucking brilliant!



-MOST DISTURBING IMAGE IN A POST

A three-way tie:

1) Michael Jackson and E.T. (it's the glowing finger that does it) from "HAPPY MONDAY" (Feb. 23rd, 2009):



2) Naked Richard Simmons covered in vegetables from "DISTURBING PICTURES OF RICHARD SIMMONS, VOL. 3" (March 26, 2009):



3) Last but not least - The "1# Dick Sucka" Tattoo from "STINKY INK" (Feb. 16th, 2009):



-MOST BORING POST

It's a toss-up between that one about Sumerian mythology (April 23rd, 2009) and that one about secret societies (Feb. 2nd, 2009). I mean, seriously. No one has time to read these boring, long winded diatribes about shit that nobody even cares about. Seriously.


-MOST SELF-INDULGENT POST

You just read it, bro.

5 comments:

jaginguene said...

5 months and a half already.... Keep up the good work Shelby!

Aesop said...

I know someday I will be telling my grandkids about where I was the day Illogical Contraption was launched.

Steven said...

Actually, I kinda liked the boring posts, but I'm weird...

Shelby Cobras said...

Jag-

Thanks man, that Herbie post is coming soon...

Aesop-

Thank you too, but I'm sure EVERYONE will be telling their grandkids about where they were the day I.C. was launched.

Steven-

I write the "boring" posts JUST FOR YOU, dude.

chrisc said...

long may you conquer,Shelby!and count me in on those long-winded,'boring'pieces:cryptozoology?sumerian mythology?conspiracy theories?what's not to like?keep em'comin'.