Monday, July 12, 2010

SF on SF - Cretaceous

If these people die before they hear Cretaceous then they got off easy

Man, fuck you Cretaceous. I can’t think of anything I enjoy LESS than Cretaceous. I would rather break up with a girl that just found out she had cancer than listen to a full Cretaceous record. It’s like, if I had a time machine that I could only use once, would I prevent the holocaust or stop production on a Cretaceous album? That’s a fucking chin scratcher.

I read a review of the Cretaceous demo from ’08 the other day and the dude gave it a 3%, meaning a score of 3 out of a possible 100. A fucking 3! Are you fucking kidding me?? How does this demo deserve a 3??? Are you retarded? Did you get drunk and mistake it for music? Was their a lot of background noise at the time or something? Did you mistake some nearby construction for part of the track, thus having the brutal ass pounding that was coming through your headphones generously obscured by industrial noise? I mean seriously! Were you getting a blow job while you wrote that review? WHAT?? What could possibly have been going on that distracted you from the human rights abuses that were occurring sonically on this demo?

First of all, just listening to Cretaceous is like fucking your uncle. But then reviewing Cretaceous is like coming on his face. It crosses the line. It’s just not done. THEN, this clown writes, and I quote, Cretaceous is a “circus band”. A circus band? Aren’t you being a little generous with you’re use of the term “band?” He writes:

“Now what’s up with that tiger on vocals? Or is that a pig? Oh my god what the hell? Is this an animal circus jamboree or what?”

An animal circus jamboree??? ARE YOU FUCKING ME IN THE ASS RIGHT NOW? I would pay money to see an animal circus jamboree. Animal circus jamborees are wholesome entertainment for children. I would NEVER let a child listed to Cretaceous. I wouldn’t even let an adult who considered having children listen to Cretaceous for fear that the simple exposure to music this horrible would be enough to produce mutant offspring. Also, you can’t tell the difference between the sounds made by a tiger and a pig? That’s just sad.

He continues:

“I’m not even trying to be funny, I’m saying exactly what I think is going on. Now this atmosphere-less music must have been recorded on a cheap device, because none of these instruments sound together. The vocals are both mutilated goblin screams and pig roars, but both of them have no power and sound like they’re sort of being said, not shouted or exhaled with vigor.”

First off, YOU’RE FUCKING HILARIOUS. And why would Cretaceous use anything BESIDES a cheap device? No shit a cheap device retard. Why stick a million dollar microphone into a pile of shit when it’s still just going to sound like a pile of shit? Would you have put Cretaceous in a fancy studio? You’d have to burn it down. I don’t think you could even ask a breathing human being to enter a room after this barn orgy of a band got done sound fucking it. ALSO, now its goblin screams and pig roars?? Pigs roar now? At least you figured out what fucking animal it is but Jesus Christ, where did the goblin come from? Where you like, “you know, at first I believed it to be a tiger handling back up vocals but upon closer inspection I do believe the sound to be of Goblin origin”. They don’t have Goblins in the fucking circus jamboree you goddamnfucktard moron.

“The bass isn’t drowned out, so why are the guitars so buried like a batch of buzzing bees?”

Were you raped in a zoo? Why such a negative association with nature sounds? I don’t know about you but I think it’s almost blasphemous to equate this audio diarrhea with the natural music of gods creatures. Bees and pigs and tigers are all beautiful animals of majestic stature and great ecological importance. Cretaceous on the other hand is equivalent to AIDS in an aerosol can that you can spray right on to your face. Seeing Cretaceous live is probably worse than watching your parents fuck. Stop defiling the reputation of the entire animal kingdom by equating them with this unworldly sonic sodomy. If you asked me right now, would you rather cut off your dick or listen to Cretaceous for five minutes, I would say knife or scissors?

“The drumming is easily the worst – not only does it sound cold, hollow, and plastic, but there’s no power from it and I’m pretty sure a monkey is on it doing inoffensive blast beats and surprise cymbal / hat tricks instead of proper rhythm backing.”

DUDE! Get your mind out of the jungle. Also, how do you even make this distinction between instruments in the first place? Drums, bass, guitar? Where? I just hear the sounds of children screaming and homeless people being set on fire. If you played the Cretaceous record for a deaf person they would still stab themselves in the ears. Your review is offensive to animals, musicians, musician animals, and anyone burdened with the ability to either read or hear. Even just knowing about the very existence of Cretaceous is enough to prevent you from ever again achieving an erection or controlling your bowels. Maybe that’s why your review is so generous. You’re trying to lure other people into listening to Cretaceous so you wont be the only limp-dicked retard with shit running down their leg when you’re at the mall buying real metal CDs.

You end your review with: “I’d rather listen to Behemoths first demo”. Dude, seriously, get it through your thick, misshapen skull, Behemoth is a BAND. Cretaceous is punishment for molesting children. Cretaceous recordings could be used to interrogate terrorists if their very sound didn’t so thoroughly prove to the listener that god doesn’t exist and life is void of meaning.

Fuck you Cretaceous. And fuck you OzzyApu for kissing their ass with your pussy handed fanboy review. You’re all a bunch of assholes.

Check out OzzyApu’s original review here.

Download the Cretaceous EP here.


Shelby Cobras said...


Angryaholic said...

HOLY FUCK! I seriously was touching cloth when I read that!

Jay said...

Oh Sean don't hate. At least the lead singer's nipples are on straight. Hottest chick in metal, I think not. POSE=EXPOSED

Aylmer said...

Dude writes too many reviews. It's a wonder he finds time to listen to his WASP collection.

Shelby Cobras said...

There are SO many things to love about OzzyApu. I love his opening statement: "these guys OBVIOUSLY take themselves too seriously". Well yeah. Look at the cover art. Look at song titles like "Terror-Dactyl" and "Megalodon of the Dead". Pretty obvious.
I also like that his favorite type of music is "post-". That's meta.
So much to love. But I won't get carried away. Nice job Sean.

SEANFORD said...

hahaha. you’re ten years older than this kid shelbro. you have to find it in yourself to grant him a little leniency. i mean, you could go on about ozzyapu’s 400 reviews for days. but the deeper you go into that rabbit whole, the sadder it all becomes. in the end, you just have to feel sorry for this dude, shake your head, and walk away. after much consideration, it seemed to me that sympathy was the only mature reaction to the writings of the poet apu. im sorry ozzyapu, i hope you one day find happiness. maybe around the 6th or 700th review on Encyclopedia Metallum.

Shelby Cobras said...

Yeah I guess the "younger generation" just tend to substitute vitriol and insults where us older folks gravitate toward concepts like substance and meaning when it comes to our writing. It's kind of sad, really.
Pssshhh. Kids.

That reminds me: When do you turn 18, Sean? I've got some killer internet porn I'd like to share with you.

SEANFORD said...

since when do you not share porn with kids?

Peter said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Peter said...

Read "share with" as "make with" you.

Shelby Cobras said...

the fuckin peanut gallery now? jesus.

Aylmer said...

C'mon guys, he's a master of the zoological similie:

"the vocals are like breathy lemur pants and staccato water buffalo blasts"

"the vocals are like horny dolphin shralps and the roaring snuffles of a tapir."

The Thing That Should Not Be said...

that is the dumbest 'review' I've read in a long time, but then what do you expect from the internet?