Wednesday, December 1, 2010


A cake? For me? Really?
Oh my god, I can't believe you guys remembered IllCon's second birthday. That's so cool!
Wait, what? The cake wasn't for me? Oh, cool. No, that's okay. No really, it's cool. No, I'm sure lots of people celebrate Jaco Pastorius' birthday with cake and ice cream. Sounds totally normal. He would have been 59, I know. Yeah, total tragedy. No, my feelings aren't hurt. Not at all. Really, enjoy your cake. Really.

... Assholes.

What? Nothing. No. I didn't say anything. OK, see ya.

Hey, did I mention today marks the completion of our SECOND YEAR here at Illogical Contraption, "one of the most amazingly retarded geysers of intellectual circularity (the world has) ever seen" (Seth J.G. Goodkind, Lost Video Archive)? Because it fucking does, and I think everyone here at ICHQ deserves a high five. Two years is kind of a long time to sit in front of a computer screen and try to think up semi-witty shit to say about generic death metal records.

Anyhoo, if I am to believe what Sitemeter tells me, IC has enjoyed approximately four times the visits this year as it did last year (100,000ish Dec '08-Dec '09, 400,000ish Dec '09-Dec '10), which to me signals that a lot of you clowns have jumped on the bandwagon within the last 12 months or so. And THAT means that a lot of you guys missed out on tons of cool shit that happened in the first year of this blog's existence. So today, I thought we could take a brief walk down memory lane, explore the IllCon vaults so to speak and look back at a couple of forgotten jams from yesteryear. Or maybe from just the first six months or so.


- How 'bout a detailed history of the keytar?
Wow, December '08 was kind of a crappy month in retrospect. Moving on...


- Catching up with Nitro
- History of "unblack metal"
- A primer on modern cryptozoology
- The first time I bagged on Burners
- Forgotten cartoons of the 1980's? Gold.
- How to survive the apocalypse


- Erik Del Tigre is exposed as a closet paleontologist
- Not-so-secret history of secret societies
- Heavy metal cryptozoology
- Baldwin/Selleck Chest Hair Challenge
- Metal-est movie villains of the 1980's
- Exodus sucks at album covers

MARCH 2009

- Bow to the Illuminatus! Trilogy!
- The odor formerly known as the artist formerly known as Prince
- Nobody wants to buy fucking Illogical Contraption T-shirts, okay?
- A study in race relations

APRIL 2009

- Reputation-destroying metal albums and a picture of a chick on a robot shark
- Bentonology: A Neoclassical Study of Deicide Lyrics In Regards To Etymology And Grammar (1990-1992)
- A brief history of heavy metal album covers?
- To avoid being a poser, you first need to understand Sumerian mythology
- False vampires suck (or don't?)
- Emails from The Great Kat's sister

MAY 2009

- Fun with Encyclopaedia Metallum
- Fun with suicide cults
- Fun with Dick
- Fun with amputees
- Fun with gay-porn fanfic

Shit you slept on:

DJ Drank's Greatest Malt Liquor Hits (Dec 08)
Malachi (Dec 08)
Idiot Flesh 1/2 (Dec 08)
The Carl Stalling Project (Dec 08)
Attacker (Jan 09)
Awakening: Females In Extreme Music (Jan 09)
Black Queen/Wormwood (Jan 09)
Master Control Program (Feb 09)
Hardcore Devo (Feb 09)
Death To False Metal compilation (Feb 09)
Sleepytime Gorilla Museum (Mar 09)
Eyesore: A Stab At The Residents (Apr 09)
Hymns For The Hearing Impaired (Apr 09)
Pleaseeasaur (Apr 09)
Black Randy And The Metrosquad (May 09)
Fuckface (May 09)
Exorcist OST (May 09)
Born Against/Screeching Weasel split (May 09)

Good Gods, there's alot of shit to read on this sucker. My eyeballs are vibrating.
Look for another one of these retrospective-type things when IC hits 1,500 posts (probably) around the beginning of next year...

My sincere thanks to all the motherfuckers and motherfuckettes that have contributed to this thing in the last 730 days, and thanks to all you IC Bros for reading (and listening). You guys don't suck.

Lastly, a reminder to come see Seanford (below) and Huntress at the Victory Warehouse in Oakland this Friday and Bender's in SF this Saturday. Would it kill you to come out and meet Team IllCon in person? And maybe buy us a beer or two?

Fuckin' cheapskates.


Shelby Cobras said...

Not even ONE "congratulations"? Not a single "thanks for TWO SOLID FUCKING YEARS OF UNPARALLELED EXCELLENCE IN BLOGGING"?

Y'all are some fucking DICKS.

cdg said...

congratulations. IllCon & Cosmic Hearse make the 30 minutes i get to dick around with at work worthwhile.

Steven said...

Well, good morning to you too. Dude, I just woke up. Chill.

IllCon is my cup of coffee. Whenever there isn't a new post in the morning, I feel groggy all day.


RyGar said...

You guys are still here? I thought I told you that I needed some space. When you asked to sleep on my couch, "just for a couple of days", I had no idea that you really meant TWO GODDAMN YEARS! Seriously, Cobras, you and your friends need to go.

On the real, though, happy birthday. Terrible two's are gonna be a bitch, but it's nice to watch you grow up. Thanks for all the great tunes, the mind bending conspiracy talk, and the testicle wrenching idiocy. You're killing it.

SEANFORD said...

Is this part of the IC comeback or is this IC retro throwback? Is it still cool to read IC or is it ironic to pretend you like IC? Was that technically a “best of” or a “retrospective?” DOES THIS MEAN THERE WILL BE A REUNION TOUR??

G O D said...

hey happy birthday illcon! my blog is 2 also (
one of my fave reads on the web,add me to your blogroll

abdul alhazred said...

Christ, Cobras, no wonder you're so cranky lately. Congratulations, stop yelling.

mikey bloodbath said...

hey, i'm one of the '10 alum. stumbbled upon the il during some crispon glover research, shits still blowin my mind and daily.

researching the archives' been a trip too. much love cobras, thanks for alles!

stonerphonic said...

Illogical who? Wha? Is that Miley's back up band?

Fuck you Cobras, and yea, I'll have another goddamn beer for IllCon's 2nd.

Congrats, and keep up the good work motherfuckers.

That is all.

Grk! said...

Fancy Metalday, you lot!

The Thing That Should Not Be said...

...and who was it bitched ME out for complaining about the lack of comments, Mr Whiny Pants?

I think I only discovered this here 'blog' less than a year ago, but it is STILL my favourite even though you 'don't like Doom Metal'.

Plus, you let me post shit that would make my own blog look asinine.

Aylmer said...


Shelby Cobras said...

Thing: There is a fine line between begging for comments and simply BENDING YOUR READERSHIP OVER AND DEMANDING THEM.

The Thing That Should Not Be said...

I love you and this blog in ways that don't seem comfortable.

Shelby Cobras said...

Thanks maybe!