OR: HOW TO SURVIVE THE APOCALYPSE WITHOUT REALLY TRYING
It is no big secret that the Universe as we know it is doomed to total extinction on December 21, 2012. The Mayan Calendar (above) maps out one long (25,625 year) "day", a day that ends on this particular date in 2012, the date that the plane of our Solar System will align perfectly with the plane of our galaxy (The Milky Way), and in turn two other galaxies. The mythology of the Hopi Indians agrees with that of the Mayans, and although some say that the end of the so-called "fifth age of the Mayan calender" will bring great positive change and enlightenment, calm and sober study of the issue yields one feasible conclusion: GOOD GOD, WE'RE FUCKIN' FUCKED!!!
Famed seer Nostradamus seems to agree with the Mayans and the Hopi, though his cryptic manner of prophecy leaves much open to interpretation. He said that we would be struck by a great comet in July 1999 (which added to the whole Y2K hype, of course), which, last I checked, didn't happen.
Further examples of Nostradamus' endtimes mumbo-jumbo:
"During the appearance of
The Bearded Star, the three
great princes will be made
enemies. The shaky peace on
earth will be struck by fire
from the skies. Po, The
winding Tiber, a serpent placed
on the shore."
"MABUS will soon die,
Then will come a horrible
slaughter of people and animals
At once vengance revealed coming
from a hundred hands."
Below: A simple diagram explaining the cosmic Zodiac forces that Nostradamus based his prophecies on.
Although tough to decipher, Nostradamus' apocalyptic messages are seemingly in tune with other 2012 predictions, and, after all, he has been proved correct before (see example, left). Curiously, the bit above about the giant serpent coming ashore is in tune with tribal Guatemalan legend, which predicts that a giant, plumed sea beast will rise from the waters of Lake Atitlan (pictured below) in 2012, and lay waste to the human population. METAL.
Throw in ever-increasing global turmoil, The Large Hadron Collider (below), the collapse of the free market, various fringe theories about Obama as the Antichrist, and damage to the atmosphere, and you've got one Hell of a case for Certain Doom.
My own personal theory on global annihilation involves an incident at the LHC and Vampyroteuthis Infernalis, the "vampire squid from Hell" (above). But you guys aren't even ready to hear that shit.
Anyways, I've decided that the Earth, as we know it, is doomed. But there's no reason that you shouldn't profit from the 2012 Cataclysm. Follow a couple simple rules, and you can navigate through the tough times ahead, and probably come out a winner once 2013 rolls around. Here's a couple pointers on how to avoid major issues on the fateful date. No thanks are in order, just remember that Illogical Contraption helped you out in a time of great distress, and maybe kick down some of that toilet paper and distilled water you've been hoarding when we all crawl out of our holes.
1) BLACK HOLES
The Large Hadron Collider, one of the great scientific triumphs of all time, also poses a great danger to humanity. Although its creators will deny it's possible, this sucker could create a black hole that would suck up our planet in a nanosecond. According to astrophysicists, the only defense against a black hole are the gaseous emanations of a supernova. Read a detailed explanation here. Even though it's probably impossible for us, as humans, to produce the same amount of gas as an exploding star, we should probably start increasing our intake of beans presently, as a safeguard of sorts. If we work together, our farts could possibly save the world.
2) NUCLEAR WAR/FALLOUT/MUTANTS
Lucky for us, there IS a way to avoid the deadly fallout from a global nuclear showdown: building a 60's style fallout shelter (above). There are plenty of diagrams all over the internet, with easy to follow instructions on how to build one, so really the only issue is stocking the sucker with enough supplies to keep you alive for a year or two. TP (above) is a must, along with lots of canned goods and some reading material (The Bible comes in especially handy in situations like this). And remember, beer is 90% water, so stretch your stockpiling dollar by using Budweiser as your water supply, because there's really no reason you shouldn't keep a sweet buzz going while you're down there.
Another concern about nuclear war is the hideously deformed mutants you will encounter when you resurface from your hibernation. Sufficient weaponry is a must when battling these sick freaks, but despite their horrific appearance, toxic mutants are generally pretty easy to kill (unless, of course, the fallout gives them super strength, in which case you're kinda screwed).
Below: An example of the genetically-altered wasteoids you will likely encounter after a nuclear war.
3) SOLAR FLARE
Nostradamus and the ancient Mayans both agree that our ancient nemesis, The Sun, will play a major part in the 2012 meltdown. A solar flare is its most probable plan of attack, which would knock out electricity and communications, and also toast us up pretty good depending on its size and strength. For a detailed breakdown on how the Mayan calendar predicts solar flares, click here. Personally, I wouldn't be too worried about the electricity and communication stuff (remember when there were no cell phones, man?), but it is probably a good idea to invest in an economy-sized drum of sunblock (a gallon usually goes for anywhere between $150-$200). That way, you'll stay cool as a cucumber when fire rains from the sky. Take that, The Sun!
4) LOSS OF GRAVITY/POLAR SHIFT
This is kind of a tough one. Some people believe that when our plane lines up with the that of The Milky Way, a "polar shift" may occur, causing the North and South Poles to switch places. Gravity, of course, would not react kindly to such a shift, and your only safeguard here is to build some sort of anti-gravity dirigible (above).
Luckily, our government has already reverse-engineered anti-gravity propulsion systems from the Area 51 crash site in Roswell, NM, and you can learn to build your own here or here.
Below: Haha, yeah right, guys.
Always the greatest concern in any sort of "doomsday" situation, zombies pose the most valid threat to post-apocalyptic humanity, and, like I mentioned up there in #2, sufficient weaponry is a neccessity. Zombies may be dead already, but you can kill them again, for GOOD this time, if you have the guts and the firepower.
Left: Don't let THIS happen to you!
In a zombie-type situation, your best bet is the trusty old M-60 (above). It's great for crowd control and its large-caliber ammunition makes for the most satisfying head splatters. But for close-quarters defense (Heaven forbid), a good sawed-off shotgun is your best friend, as the scattershot shells are more likely to find their mark in a frenzy of rapid-fire zombie action. Also, learning to cock a shotgun one-handed (a la Linda Hamilton in "Terminator 2") is something you might want to practice, in case other appendages become "occupied" in battle. Most importantly, though, always remember that no matter how intense the skirmish is, you MUST keep at least one round set aside. If you are bitten by a zombie, you WILL become a zombie, no doubt about it. Eating that last shell out of your shotgun will be a welcome alternative to an eternity of undead bloodlust. Don't kid yourself.
When in doubt, always remember this useful rhyme:
"How do you kill what's already dead? The only sure way is to aim for the head".
Below: Our neighbor, the Andromeda Galaxy - "so long, suckers!"