OR: WHY "BURNING MAN" IS MY FAVORITE TIME OF YEAR IN SAN FRANCISCO.
Ah, Burning Man... As Summer winds to a close, we all stock up on distilled water and hallucinogenics, pile into the ol' Winnebago, and head out to Black Rock City, a tolerant, globally friendly place where all us beautiful freaks can cut loose and just BE OURSELVES for a week. It's a magical, wonderful utopia where the free thinkers of the world gather to share ideas, live in tune with the land, and get naked, without fear of The Man's intervention.
WRONG!!! Burning Man is one of my biggest pet peeves, a shallow, narcissistic, hypocritical vortex where rich yuppies blow thousands of dollars to prove that they're "artsy" and "wild", a place where yesterday's ravers go to die. The one benefit of Burning Man is that it clears all the people that I hate out of San Francisco for a week, giving the rest of us (those who have to "work" for a living) a little breathing room for a minute.
Below: With the energy it took to build this sculpture, humanity could have done something worthwhile, like getting crack out of the Tenderloin or assassinating the members of Nickelback.
I've stated before that I try to keep it positive here on Illogical Contraption, and in compliance with the theme, I'd like to state the the whole concept behind Black Rock City POSITIVELY makes me puke. Hordes of "ecologically conscious" Gungans burn tens of thousands of gallons of fossil fuel to attend this carnival of excess, spending MILLIONS on top of that (money that could be used for charity or bettering their own community) to indulge in whatever drugs and vice strike their fancy. Example: Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans just days before the opening ceremonies of Burning Man in 2005. How many of these eco-friendly doucheturds let it spoil their Magical Romp in Pixie Land? Most of them, right? Right?
The hypocrisy of Burners becomes evident upon closer inspection. In 2007 (themed "Green Man"), an installation called "Crude Awakening" used 900 gallons of jet fuel and 2,000 gallons of liquid propane to blast a giant mushroom cloud into the sky. It is estimated that the energy used in this one piece of "art" could have powered all of San Francisco for one full minute. GREEN Man, eh?
With ticket prices nearing $300 dollars for Burning Man 2009 and an average attendance near 40,000, you can bet Fratboy-Fest is making more than a couple wallets fat. Once again, "Counter-Culture" has proved to be neither.
Oh, and by the way: that Magic Pixie Dust all over your Subaru Outback? It's not "playa", bro. it's just plain old dirt.
Despite my hatred for this foolish, self-indulgent, corporate romp in the desert, I must urge past attendees to return again this year. Despite the damage you're doing to the environment and the good money you're dumping down the drain in the name of "art", I treasure my one week of sanity in San Francisco, and wouldn't trade it for anything.
Sorry to be a Negative Nancy, but I needed to blow off some steam on the subject. YES, I've never been to Burning Man and NO I never will. I have 5 reasons why not:
a) If I'm going to take a week off of work and risk going broke, I'm going way the Hell out to the mountains, surrounded by friends and/or family, and no one else.
b) I fucking HATE Port-O-Potties.
c) I fucking HATE techno.
d) I don't do drugs.
e) There are REAL ISSUES here in the REAL WORLD far more deserving of my time and attention.
Then again, maybe Burning Man ain't SOOO bad...
I sincerely apologize to any Burners I may have offended with this post, but I call 'em like I see 'em.
There seems to be a Turd in your Punchbowl.