The most highly anticipated film of our generation arrives May 26, seemingly without fanfare or media coverage of any kind. I speak of neither Night At The Museum 2 nor the new Harry Potter movie. Something BIGGER is on the way, a mind-boggling special effects extravaganza without precedent or equal. I am referring, of course, to Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus.
Anyone who knows me personally knows that this is exactly the type of movie that gets my nads majorly pumped, seemingly the only type of movie worth a rat's ass anymore: The "bad-CGI monster flick starring washed-up 80's icons". In this particular film, we are given Renegade star Lorenzo Lamas alongside bubblegum pop princess Debbie Gibson, battling against two giant, poorly-rendered sea creatures (left). I cannot express the excitement I feel at the mere prospect of this pairing.
I'm sure you're probably thinking to yourself, "Wait a minute, dude, I thought you HATED bad CGI", which is both true and false. I need to make a quick distinction here. BAD bad CGI movies like The Phantom Menace, Batman Forever, or the Lord of the Rings trilogy make my skin crawl, due to both their self-righteous pretentiousness and swollen Hollywood budgeting. But GOOD bad CGI, like Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus (see also: Boa Vs. Python, Snakes On A Plane, or Shark Hunter), is a different animal altogether. These movies know they suck, and as a result transcend the shittiness of their genre. I speak with a complete absence of irony or sarcasm here: The bad-CGI monster movie is the ONE modern movie genre that interests me AT ALL anymore.
Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go stock up on canned food and distilled water. It's gonna be a long haul until May 26th, camping out in front of my local Blockbuster awaiting the release of this future classic.
Below: You know what? Fuck NYC and their "Air Force One fly-over panic". This is the type of shit San Franciscans have to deal with on a day-to-day basis.
Big ups to I.C. reader Shane B., who emailed me the trailer for this epic film. My deepest gratitude goes out to you, sir. Well done.
11 hours ago