Thursday, March 5, 2009


Above: Turkish packaging for Future-Kill.

As an experiment in film criticism, I've decided to review the awesome 1985 Party/Sci-Fi/Metal/Horror classic Future-Kill in "real-time" tonight, giving you guys the play-by-play as the plot unfolds. I haven't seen this flick since time out of mind, so it's all pretty much fresh for me. I will hit 'Publish' as the credits roll. I promise.
For those of you who haven't seen this amazing film, a warning: Review may contain spoilers.

PS: Thanks to Manslaughter for Netflixing this shit.

00:20 - Opening credits: Edwin Neal as "Splatter". Good start.
00:20-03:16 - Bad synth music and more credits. Getting better.
03:18 - Cyborg mutant with mohawk and dude with bad 80's Metal/new wave makeup. Sweet.
04:56 - Dildo.
05:06 - Close-up of chick's butt leading into awesome party scene.
06:07 - Chick's butt again.
06:20 - Keg stand.
08:05 - Guy wearing cut-off midriff-baring muscle shirt.
11:00 - Frat jerk gets tarred and feathered.
13:20 - "Mutants".
15:20 - Hooker.
16:05 - Boobs.
16:20-16:40 - 2 guys having implied sex with said hooker. Gross.
16:56 - Really gross fat chick boobs.
19:00-20:20 - The worst music I've ever heard.
24:00 - Ruling-est hooker costume ever.
26:00 - 26:40 - Cyborg mutant with mohawk kicks the shit out of frat boys.
30:00 - 32:00ish - Establishing "plot" or something. Weak.
32:33 - Rad fight scene.
33:17- Gore in slo-mo.
35:58 - Boobs.
36:30 - Cyborg mutant kills hooker.
39:17 - 40:15 - Crooked cops FUCK SHIT UP.

43:02 - More "mutants".
43:45 - Mutant bearing resemblance to Cheech Marin pursues protagonists with Uzi.
45:00-46:00ish - "Plot advancement" or something. Yawn.
47:00-50:00ish - Dudes running around and stuff. Rad.
52:00-54:11 - More fighting/gore.
55:15-56:23 - Cyborg mutant threatens, and ultimately kills, hooker.
57:00-1:01:33 - Super-rad, poorly-edited "punk" club scene with band performance(s).
1:01:33 - Dude stabbed in neck.
1:03:10 - Frat boys form official alliance with hooker.
1:04:58 - Cheech Marin blows cat away with Uzi.
1:11:30 - Cyborg mutant guy kills frat boy.
1:12ish-1:14:00 - Rad action scene involving M-16's.
1:15:32 - Gore and some implied dismemberment.
1:17:41 - "DANGER: ACID".
1:18:59-1:19:30 - Slo-mo shot of frat boy breaking some jack-off's neck.
1:20:09 - Credits roll.

If you have a soul, please rent Future-Kill today. You will not be disappointed.

Left: Original Future-Kill cover art.

Below: The tattoo I got right after I watched this movie.

The trailer (AGAIN):


Erik Del Tigre said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
TMM said...

awesome idea. No good blogs go at it live anymore. maybe, I'll run with this one....