Friday, March 20, 2009

Your Childhood Was Whack - Part 1

By The Heckler

When you were a kid in the 80's rocking Raffi tapes or listening to spandex metal with your loser big brother there was an entire world going on that you missed out on because you are whack.  I am extremely bored by your weak 80's nostalgia and its reflection of an idyllic middle class and their toys, cartoons and cheesy outfits.  You were holding hands and making volcano's in 4th grade while I lived in tha ghetto, where my friends got scooters for being drug lookouts, wild packs of dogs would sometimes run through your yard, you'd get bag-snatched on Halloween or jumped on your way to school for your bus pass.

Consider this Part 1 of an utter dismantling of your pathetic childhood.

Exhibit A:

This was a hit song in my neighborhood.  Why? Because it was some mean-ass shit to say to someone, seeing's how it was true and all.  Check these guys out, taunting little girls about their crackhead hooker mom's.  That's some shit!

Exhibit B:

Now that was some sweet and innocent shit when your little sister got one.  Unfortunately for her it got stolen and one of my friends parents bought it, but it had no tape of the pre-recorded, soothing voice of Teddy Ruxpin, and the only tape we had was this:

Exhibit C:

Garbage Pail Kids were just stickers for boys. Even the girls in my neighborhood were into tougher shit than that, such as collecting Yo MTV Raps! cards for BWP, aka Bitches With Pride


Shelby Cobras said...

It actually stood for Bitches With Problems, poser.


Charles T Heckler said...

Update my picture

Steven said...

I had a second generation copy of the Dogs. I used to play it at the white-bread keggers we had at our house: "Who gives a fuck? We don't. We don't." And still relevant to this day: "Fuck the motherfuckin' president". Respect.