Question: What is America? Is it baseball and apple pie? Is it freedom? Liberty? Is it school shootings and corruption?
Everyone has their own idea of what it means to be American, but sadly, they are all wrong. That is, unless they answered with ONE magical word, a word that sums up the hopes and dreams of all the residents of these United States, a word so powerful that its very utterance causes the American heart to swell with pride.
That's right. ROBO-FUCKING-SAURUS!!!
Robosaurus: 40 feet tall. Hydraulic arms and jaws used to crush cars, planes, and whatever other industrial junk it chooses. Flamethrower mounted in its mouth which can shoot jets of fire up to 20 feet. 5 tons of steel-twisting, bone-crushing robot dinosaur POWER. Robosaurus is America incarnate. Even Stephen Fucking Colbert knows it. Don't believe me? Watch the clip (the Robosaurus part is about 6 minutes in).
Robosaurus in ACTION!!!
Left: Robosaurus as an infant.
Robosaurus was created by industrial inventor Doug Malwecki in 1989, inspired by both the towering menace of the Tyrannosaurus rex and the Transformers toy line (Robosaurus can turn into a semi trailer for long distance travel). The total price tag was $5 million, and worth every penny.
Initally used as entertainment at monster truck rallies and air shows, Robosaurus quickly invaded the pop culture lexicon, appearing in an episode of The Simpsons (as Truckasaurus), in various commercials, and starring in its own made-for-TV movie in 1992, NBC's Steel Justice. The movie was actually meant to be a pilot for an ongoing series, but the dumbshits at NBC canned the idea soon afterwards. If anyone knows where I can get ahold of this movie, please let me know. Check out this plot synopsis, followed by a trailer (Caution - This shit RULES):
"David Nash has lost his son and his will to live. But the boy appears in his dreams as well as his Robosaurus toy ! A mythical figure will help Nash to turn the Robosaurus into a real creature in order to avenge his son's death."
Unfortunately, public interest in Robosaurus waned in the late 90's and early 00's, and it was sold to Monster Robots, Inc. at the Scottsdale Barrett-Jackson auction for only $575,000 (that's less than 12% of its original cost!) in early 2008. Bad investments? Financial trouble? Does it seem that maybe Robosaurus, in its own way, was trying to WARN America of troubles to come?
Alas, we as a country have forsaken Robosaurus, our mightiest protector and greatest investment. But fear not! Robosaurus will rise again, as deadly and violent as ever, just like the great country that spawned it!
Be warned: The sad spectacle of the False Robosaurus runs rampant as well! Pale imitations, such as Transaurus, Draco The Dragonator, Tranzilla, and Megasaurus (see below) are on the loose. These robotic dragons and dinosaurs DO NOT compare to the original. And they HATE AMERICA!
Below: The one TRUE ROBOSAURUS.