Those of you who follow this blog (yes, both of you) might be aware that today is a very important day in the history of Illogical Contraption. As I mentioned here, May 26th, 2009 marks the release date of the instant-cult classic Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus. Being a man true to my word, I stood at the counter of Blockbuster bright and early this afternoon, demanding my copy of this impending masterpiece. Said DVD now sits proudly atop my coffee table, beckoning me closer with its promises of giant sea-beasts doing battle off the coast of San Francisco.
So here's the deal: Much like I did for my first experience with the 80's sci-fi slasher Future-Kill, I'll be reviewing Mega Shark LIVE, as it unfolds before my very eyes. I will hit the 'Publish' button as the credits roll. But first, a warning: This review will contain every spoiler in the book. Those of you as excited as I am about the release of this film (yes, both of you) might want to avert your eyes.
Beloved readers, please try to contain your excitement. Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus is NOW entering my DVD player...
0:00:27 - Opening credits... Fingers trembling... Typing... Difficult...
0:01:21 - Special Effects by "Tiny Juggernaut". So far, so good.
0:02:45 - Poorly rendered images of a glacier collapsing, immediately followed by Debbie Gibson piloting a submarine (her fingernails are only painted one ONE HAND...?) and a shot of a bunch of hammerhead sharks. Epic.
0:04:02 - Cools shot of a seal freaking out.
0:05:43 - That helicopter pilot is rocking some super sweet Blu-Blockers.
0:07:15 - Whales committing suicide. Dang.
0:08:05 - THE OCTOPUS!!! FUCK!!! IT'S GIGANTIC!!!
0:08:42 - "Haven't you guys ever been to a frat party?"
0:08:13 - JESUS FUCK!!! THE OCTOPUS JUST ATE AN ENTIRE OIL RIG!!! Followed immediately by some boring stuff.
0:11:20 - Whale-related gore. Rotting flesh, etc...
0:12:05 - Apparently, Debbie is a bit of a "renegade".
0:13:20 - Yep, she's drinking whiskey with her Bro. definitely a "renegade".
0:15:22 - This stuff is boring and completely unnecessary. Yawn.
0:18:18 - DUDE!!! MEGA SHARK JUST JUMPED OUT OF THE FUCKING OCEAN AND ATE A FUCKING AIRPLANE!!! This movie is ALREADY worth TWICE the $5.46 I paid to rent it!
0:20:20 - This dude's "Irish accent" needs work.
0:22:21 - "Say hello to Megalodon". Damn right.
0:24:10 - Establishing shot of "San Francisco International Airport". Palm trees and fluorescent paint job. That isn't actually SFO.
0:27:11 - This is pretty boring too. But in a good way.
0:28:08 - These shots of "the beach" in "San Francisco" look like they were shot in Mexico. Or maybe San Diego. This movie was not meant for locals.
0:29:50 - Mega Shark is totally about to eat a Navy battleship. This rules.
0:30:51 - "It rises".
0:31:26 - Movie cuts to another boring scene before Mega Shark attacks. WEAK.
0:32:18 - Bad news, guys. "Treasure Island" isn't actually Treasure Island. But Lorenzo Lamas finally showed up, so it's cool.
0:33:56 - Apparently, Lamas is somewhat of a "bad-ass".
0:36:04 - I think I just fell asleep for a second. You think maybe I could get a couple more scenes involving "Mega Sharks" and "Giant Octopi", Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus?
0:38:30 - Debbie Gibson is TOTALLY going to bone it to that creepy Japanese scientist. Ewwww.
0:40:30 - Jesus, they didn't waste any time. Debbie just boned it to the Japanese guy in a closet. What a slut. At least that annoying "sexual tension" subplot (established two minutes ago) is FINALLY out of the way.
0:43:24 - Debbie and the creepy scientist bid each other a heartfelt farewell. How touching. Hopefully this movie won't contain any more "sex".
0:44:45 - Oh shit, this fighter jet is gonna get eaten.
0:45:28 - Nope. My bad. It got slapped and blown up by a Giant Octopus tentacle. Nice.
0:48:48 - I'm pretty sure the "Irish" guy's accent is completely gone at this point. Which is an improvement.
0:51:52 - Awww shit. Mega Shark is about to fuck some shit up...
0:53:02 - Lamas: "Screw these environmentalists! When I give the command, shoot to KILL!"
Right: This is NOT an image from Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus. It's still pretty cool, though.
0:54:00 - Best bad-CGI shark graphics I'VE EVER SEEN.
0:55:21 - Mega Shark attacks battleship. Hella death and carnage.
0:55:55 - THE MONEY SHOT. Mega Shark just ate the Golden Gate Bridge.
0:57:04 - Just cracked my fifth tall boy of Miller High Life. Beginning to think that maybe I should have eaten something today.
1:00:00 - Hey, maybe we can get Mega Shark to fight Giant Octopus! That's right, it took a FULL HOUR and a whole team of movie scientists to figure that one out. Bravo.
1:03:10 - Maybe I should start some laundry...
1:04:57 - So far, this movies has had maybe 45 seconds, TOTAL, shark/octopus footage. And about 45 MINUTES of Debbie Gibson footage. Maybe they should have called it Washed-Up 80's Pop Star Vs. Japanese Scientist In A Broom Closet instead.
1:08:00 - Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus has OFFICIALLY put my roommate to sleep.
1:08:58 - Submarines vs. Mega Shark AND Giant Octopus. That's better.
1:10:01 - Never have the words "Captain! Octopus approaching!" been spoken so convincingly.
1:13:07 - Don't get me wrong. Shark Hunter was the most boring giant shark movie ever made. But I'm beginning to think that Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus is a close second.
1:15:06 - FINALLY. Shark vs. Octopus! Let's do this!
1:15:55 - Never mind.
1:16:50 - In case you were wondering, the crew aboard Japanese submarines ALWAYS talk to each other in crisp, accent-free English.
1:19:50ish - Mega Shark eats a submarine. As retaliation, Giant Octopus ALMOST busts up a submarine, too.
1:21:16 - Okay, these fuckers are finally going at it again...
1:22:11 - What the fuck?!? Is that it? Giant octopus wrapped around Mega Shark, and they both slowly sunk to the bottom of the ocean. No winner established. No gore. No nothing.
1:24:30 - END CREDITS?!?
That shit was weak. Despite a couple cool scenes (which were shown in their entirety in the trailer), this movie was really slow, really boring, and more than a little creepy (NOT in a good way). And the song playing over the end credits is the worst thing I've ever heard. I have to assume it's Ms. Gibson herself. What a disappointment.
Now I've gotta go watch Future-Kill again to get my mojo back.