Monday, May 11, 2009


A new weekly feature in which we unearth obscure horror and sci-fi flicks from the past and then make fun of them.


It doesn't get much better (or worse) than the 1985 "hard rock"-meets-horror classic Hard Rock Zombies. Don't believe me? Watch the trailer, and gaze in awe at the amazing sound editing during the band's performance. Truly exhilarating:

Among other notable subjects, it should be pointed out that the drummer in the band (they're called "Holy Moses", PS) ALWAYS plays standing up, usually kicking his drumset over in the middle of every song. This, however, does not stop him from completing each song impeccably. Respect.
Anyways, this awesome/terrible movie has a little bit of everything, from Hitler to zombies (duh) to Satanic incantations to midgets to Nazi midget zombies to zombie tarantulas to skateboarding to a sweet, early 80's Firebird. A heady cocktail indeed, but Zombies manages to be simultaneously more AND less than the sum of its parts. It is a wonderful, horrible, confusing mix of bad rock and roll, good gore, bad pedophilia and good stupidity (I guess pedophilia doesn't need the qualifier "bad", but fuck it).
I can't, even in my wildest ponderings, imagine the circumstances under which this film would actually get made. It must have taken A LOT of cocaine. A LOT.
This movie is worth watching for the haircuts alone. But the dismemberments, bad music-video montages, half-ass dialogue, and shots of Holy Moses in their underwear, making it with teenage groupies, make it an absolute winner/loser.

Below: Get a load of that fucking bullet belt!

Like its close cousins Black Roses and Rock 'N' Roll Nightmare, Zombies tells the tale of a small-town zombification, enhanced in sweetness tenfold by the inclusion of a REALLY shitty rock band. And make no mistake: Holy Moses is a REALLY, REALLY, REALLY shitty rock band, from their synth-driven ballad to underage love, "Cassie", to their upbeat, feel-good/bad jam "Na Na Na Na Na Na" (there might be a couple more "Na's" in there, I can't remember).
I won't spend a bunch of time talking about the plot here, as it is inconsequential to the movie itself. But what I will say is that this movie should be seen by EVERYONE. It is a study in all things freakish and embarassing, a true testament to the creative spirit and how it can fail miserably against all odds.
If you are a fan of music, movies, or Third Reich midgets in rubber masks, I must wholeheartedly recommend this film to you. It will be the most rewarding disappointment you have ever experienced.

Shitty "band performance" followed by electrocution:

Bonus clip - A Nazi zombie eats himself (including his own face!):

Get Hard Rock Zombies on Netflix here.

PS - Special thanks to Aesop for recommending this film to me several months ago. I am definitely a much better/worse person for absorbing this peculiar hour and 15 minutes of ugly insanity.

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