Monday, February 16, 2009


Because making fun of stupid people makes us feel better about ourselves (and because my sister likes these posts), here's another entry in the "Bad Tattoos" category. Hopefully, having a laugh at someone less fortunate than you will brighten up an otherwise dreary Tuesday, and maybe give you just a little faith that society is, in fact, doomed, that the douchelords are taking over, and that someday our sad, sad society will be rightfully returned to our dinosaur ancestors. Enjoy!

The Bad Metallica Tattoo deserves a category all its own. It takes a special breed of toolbag to get a Metallica logo inked on his body for keeps, much less a big-ass portrait of James Hetfield's ugly mug. Take, for example, the fuckwand pictured above. Although it is apparent that he's a big fan of both Metallica AND the Marx brothers, he's at least shown a little good taste by drawing inspiration from the "Corky from Life Goes On" tattoo shown at left, whose resemblance to Lars in his back piece proves that he supports equal rights for the mentally challenged. Way to go, asshole!

Right: THIS lovely piece of crap, featuring the aesthetically-pleasing "late-era Metallica ninja star", announces proudly to the world, "Hey! I only like newer Metallica! I watch alot of professional wrestling and eat half of my meals at Jack In The Box! Look at me!"

Below: All I'm saying is that the 'A' on the Metallica logo here is dangerously close to this dude's weiner region. That's all I'm saying.

Left: Looking at this one makes me wonder if a soaking-wet James Hetfield has an odor similar to that of a wet dog. It can't be a PLEASANT smell, I assure you. Probably sort of a musky, Feta cheese-type affair.

Below: Sorry, but I'm just gonna go with the obvious insult here: Hetfield was obviously placed at the wrong end of the evolutionary spectrum in this rendering. The guy who thought it would be a GREAT idea to cover Bob Seger's "Turn The Page" obviously has a reasoning process somewhere between a protozoa and a trilobite. 'Nuff said.

Okay, enough Metallica. Moving on...

Above: Judging by the color, detail, and size of this piece, it's pretty safe to say the price tag was somewhere between $500 and $1000 on it. Luckily, this guy's mom paid for it, enabling him to spend his meager income from working at the Comic Castle on more worthwhile stuff, like Japanime tentacle-porn and The Dark Knight action figures.

Right: I'm actually cool with this one. My only criticism is that Mr. Danza is obviously rocking a spray-on tan, which is lame.

Below: There are many, many things wrong with this image, but I'm just going to call attention to ONE. This chick doesn't have any arms. That's just fucking WEIRD.

Below: A Green Day tattoo, especially one this poorly executed, is a travesty on many, many levels. But take a good look at Billie Joe. He looks like one of those inflatable sex dolls. This tattoo just got moved over to the "Sweet" side.

Right: "Dude, I've done hella Patriots tats before, bro! Fuck yeah! I bet I could even do one blindfolded! What? You actually WANT me to do it blindfolded? Fuck yeah, bro! You're on!"

Below: Yep, it's a Blackberry Storm. Yep, it says "iPhone sucks". Next case.

Above: The first known documentation of a Rachel Ray tattoo.
Actually, this one isn't finished yet. When it is, Rachel will be shown arm in arm with Bret Michaels, tap-dancing on a tombstone inscribed with the words "COMMON DECENCY".

Below: Michael Jackson, depicted touching the private area of a distressed child. Subtle, tasteful, classy... All in all, a tattoo home run.

Left: In theory, I'm totally in favor of a tattoo showing a unicorn fornicating with a dolphin. But the physics are all wrong here. The unicorn simply CANNOT achieve penetration from behind the dolphin, whose genitalia are located on the UNDERSIDE of its body. They should at least be face to face or, failing that, the unicorn could be getting a sweet blowhole-job.

Above: A huge back piece of Mom giving the two young-uns a "horsie ride". Oh wait, get a gander at that schnozz. My bad. She actually IS a horse.

Below: Finally, I have closure on the whole 9-11 tragedy. Thank you so much, douchebag, thank you SO MUCH.

Above: Alright, it was kinda cool when Steve-O from Jackass got a self-portrait tattooed on himself. But CHEWBACCA? C'mon, dude. Fucking narcissist.

All I want to know is this: Why did this guy get a tattoo of the dude from Barenaked Ladies below his 'Straight Edge' piece? As we all know, the fellas from Barenaked Ladies LOVE to party. HARD.

And finally, we have the chest tat known only as "#1 Dick Sucka". Actually, if you look closely, the placement of the "#" would suggest that it actually reads as "1 POUND Dick Sucka", which is even more impressive. Nice work.


Tamara said...

Wow, you really do love me, don't you? I don't know where you find these things! They are amazing and disturbing and I love them.

James said...

This is why I will not get a tattoo! Because every retard has one.

ethan said...

that is the dude from counting crows....also very lame though

Shelby Cobras said...

Yeah i know... i was making joke.

Shelby Cobras said...

ps james, at present count i have 16 tattoos, you're totally right!

k-rock said...

1 pound Dick Sucka is gonna give me nightmares. Good. Lord.

Viagra said...

Who in his (her) sane mind will do a tattoo like the Tony Danza one, come on, that's just not right. And don't make start on the **** sucka