Friday, May 22, 2009


Hopefully by now, all you folks out there in the Contrap-Nation are aware of the sad fact that Chuck Norris is a staunch Republican, kicker of dogs (left), and all-around wad in general. The "Chuck Norris Facts" fad of yesteryear was a misled attempt at internet idolatry, ironically canonizing a pathetic old man deserving of neither praise or attention. It's true. Chuck Norris is evil and bad. Deal with it.
None of this, however, takes anything away from the fact that Chuck Norris Karate Kommandos, an animated TV show and resulting toy line from 1986, was absolutely KICK-ASS. Although the show only ran for a measly 5 episodes (with awesome titles like "Target: Chuck Norris" and "Deadly Dolphin"), its plot and cast of characters was revolutionary at the time. Featuring a "radically diverse" (their term) team of ninja warriors, Kommandos promoted racial and cultural harmony, with ethnically-varied heroes (or stereotypes of ethnically-varied heroes, rather) banding together to battle against The Claw and his sidekick, Super-Ninja.

While the show was a relative flash-in-the-pan, the resulting line of toys at least gave its fans something to remember it by, namely a totally "future-of-the-80's" looking Chuck Norris, armed with weird, spiky weapons and equipped with "Dragonwhip Back-Kick Action!" (above). Let's allow the Chuck Norris Karate Kommando action figure to remind us of a simpler time - A time when Chuck Norris was still a Bro, when thick-accented ninjas clad in neon jumpsuits battled for the safety of the American people, and the abominable Walker, Texas Ranger was still years away.
Sure, Chuck has turned into a withered old Bush supporter in the last decade or so, but he can never destroy the memories we made together. Those belong to EVERYONE.

Below: Chuck Norris, pictured with a couple "radically diverse" co-stars (please note Mr. Norris' extreme "farmer tan").

Conclusive proof that a Chuck Norris action figure is FAR superior to other action figures:

And also, for a chuckle, several clips from the Chuck Norris Karate Kommandos TV show:

Make sure you tune in next week, when '80's Action Figure Corner' travels.... TO THE FUTURE!


Anonymous said...

An alligator on a parachute! That bit was brilliant. You got to give it to the shows writers, not everyone can come up with that. And that part about the train not being able to slow up or it'll blow up, that sounds kinda familiar...
I love those 80's toys posts, keep 'em coming

Shelby Cobras said...

The '80's Action Figure Corner' feature will be taking a brief jaunt into more "recent" territory next week, but FEAR NOT! The plastic avatars of our collective youth will always be represented on this blog, in one form or another.