OR: HOW I LEARNED TO STOP WORRYING AND LOVE THE BLOG
Above: THIS blog, coming soon to a theater near you!
The Pitch: To capitalize on Hollywood's well-documented lack of ideas, I've devised a plan which will both make me rich and bring joy to the hearts of millions. We've all seen movies based on books, cartoons, TV shows, and even video games, but what about a movie based on a BLOG? Millions of people catch up on their favorite blogs on a regular basis, and are a virtually untapped market for the Hollywood entertainment machine. We need to make MONEY off of these suckers!
So I went ahead and put together a quick film treatment, one that no one but me is qualified to write; a story of war, love, dinosaurs, lazers, and scientific intrigue. A story called "ILLOGICAL CONTRAPTION: THE MOVIE"!!!
Kirby Serpents (left, played by Bruce Campbell) is a lonely Bay Area blog addict and part-time musician. He often toils away in front of his computer, working on his awesome and well-loved blog, Illogical Contraption, unaware that as he does so, he is creating a world of sentient beings through his writing, who exist on a dimensional plane far different from our own. Kirby feels like his life is going nowhere, and hungers for the action and adventure he so fondly documents on his blog. Kirby is a dreamer. Kirby wants MORE.
One day, while diligently typing away on his laptop, he is suddenly and violently sucked into the screen of his computer (much like the Ultimate Warp Zone that transports Captain N: The Game Master to Nintendoland). Kirby disappears, and we are left with a shot of his laptop, smoking and short-circuited, on his desk.
Below: Artist's rendering of the dramatic scene.
When he awakens, our protagonist finds himself in the middle of some sort of psychedelic warzone. Red and blue lazers volley back and forth nearby as dinosaurs, giant serpents, and other mysterious animals clash in battle. Strange, transforming vehicles and spaceships soar through the air, engaging each other in what is obviously a fight to the death.
Suddenly, he is pulled to safety by a beautiful, heavily armed woman, who bears a striking resemblance to The Baroness (right), mega-hot villain from G.I. Joe (the comic book and cartoon, not the live action movie). The woman introduces herself as Sweet Baby Jay (who plays herself in the movie), and the two are quickly whisked away on the backs of two large, black unicorns.
With a moment to gather his thoughts, Kirby takes in his surroundings, which bear a strong resemblance to the landscapes in the 1982 film Tron, but are scattered with pentagrams, upside-down crosses, and references to the imagery of Heavy Metal. He is obviously freaking out, realizing that he has somehow become trapped inside HIS OWN BLOG.
Sweet Baby Jay, trying to calm him, explains that she is the leader of a revolutionary anarchist movement called The League of Dynamic Digital Discord (a reference to the League of Dynamic Discord documented in "The Principia Discordia" and "The Illuminatus! Trilogy", among others). She explains that Kirby was transported via wormhole into his blog to help the LDDD fight against a mysterious, malevolent force threatening to destroy not only Illogical Contraption, but the entire multiverse.
Although distraught, Kirby has no choice but to accept his current situation and help the LDDD in their noble cause. Sweet Baby Jay proceeds to introduce him to a few other LDDD warriors, most of them anthropomorphic half-man, half-animal barbarians spawned from his writings on Illogical Contraption. Among them are Steve Dog (played by Jack Black), a wisecracking part-hound rock vocalist with a score to settle, Del Tigre (played by Jude Law), a brooding part-tiger drummer/intellectual, and Manslaughter (played by Lucy Lawless) an Amazonian, lesbian, half-shark bass player/heavy artillery specialist. Also on their side are Chuffy and Jumanji, two huge dinosaurs equipped with missiles and lazers (a la the 80's cartoon series and toy line "Dino-Riders").
As Kirby accepts his role as an LDDD soldier, he realizes that he alone holds the power to defeat their mysterious enemies, an army of strange, aquatic cephalopods with supernatural powers and unlimited military brawn. Through the course of his first couple skirmishes, he realizes that they are products of his OWN imagination, from his OWN blog. He also realizes that he is falling in love with the deadly, gorgeous warrior-queen Sweet Baby Jay.
At this point, we are given a first look at the inner workings of the film's villainous organization, The Universal Order of the Architeuthis Infernalis. Led by the dastardly mastermind Brimley/Cthulhu (played by Wilford Brimley), the UOAI is a composite of several secret societies Kirby has written about on his blog. Along with the aforementioned Colossal Vampire Squid foot soldiers, Brimley/Cthulhu commands two master swordsmen, Rutger Hauer from "Blade Runner" (who plays himself), and David Bowie from "Labyrinth" (ditto).
Through a combination of espionage and Kirby's own genius, the UOAI's Final Solution is eventually exposed. They've built a shadow-version of Switzerland's Large Hadron Collider (below), and are planning to use it to launch an inter-dimensional invasion on the Real World, enslaving its population and destroying the Illogical Contraption universe. An LDDD assault is immediately mounted, and although it will cut off any and all travel between the two dimensional planes, they attack.
In a spectacular battle full of exploding heads, lazer blasts, and numerous deaths on both sides, Kirby ends up face to face with the nexus of the Shadow-Collider, missile launcher in hand. Hesitant to destroy it (he is aware that if he does he will never see Sweet Baby Jay again), he realizes the fate of the world is in his hands, and fires.
When the smoke clears, he wakes up in Switzerland, near the Real World Large Hadron Collider. Amazingly, the reverse-wormhole created with the destruction of the Shadow-Collider has brought all of his LDDD comrades through into the Real World, and in addition, millions of people have been following his adventure via his awesome blog. A celebratory concert is performed in front of tens of thousands of Illogical Contraption fans (below), featuring Kirby, Del Tigre, Steve Dog, Manslaughter, and Sweet Baby Jay (it turns out she is a very talented keytar player). The film ends on a "feel-good" note, with the newly-formed band rocking out super hard. In a humorous twist, as the credits roll, Manslaughter is shown abandoning her lesbian ways and making out with Chuffy the bio-mech dinosaur.
The film will also feature a rad Metal soundtrack, and the DVD version will be marketed with a Captain Power-esque interactive toy line. MONEY in the BANK. ASSES in the SEATS.
Any interested production companies and/or film producers can contact me with their offers via THIS BLOG or the email address to the right.
We can talk about sequels later.
2 hours ago