Thursday, January 22, 2009


Above: Sorry, "Flying Robocop" from Robocop 3, but this list only goes up to "Twos".

I'm sick of Hollywood shitting all over my favorite movies. Not only have they "remade" (i.e. "totally diahrrea-ed on") "Halloween", "The Hills Have Eyes", and "The Omega Man" ("I Am Legend"? FUUUUUCK NO), but word has it "Tron 2" and a remake of "Logan's Run" are on the way in 2010. But the besmirching of awesome movies is by no means a new phenomenon in the world of film. Back in the 80's, coked-out movie producers started getting REALLY STOKED on the idea of sequels, some of which were fairly decent, but most were just quick cash-ins slapped together to capitalize on the success of the original. Below you will find a collection of just such films, slanderous farces that destroyed credibility and ruined lives. I'm keeping it to just "Part 2's" here, otherwise my list would probably be more like a Top 50 ("The Phantom Menace" alone could keep me rambling for days on end).

In addition, bear in mind that this list only covers sequels TO REALLY GOOD MOVIES. So my apologies, Erik, but "3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain" will not be included here. Sorry.

5) TEEN WOLF TOO (1987)

I just watched this one back to back with its predecessor about 2 weeks ago with my kid. What first struck me was that this movie is an exact, cookie-cutter replica of the original, only with Jason Bateman taking over for Michael J. Fox. Everything about the plot is EXACTLY the same, except Bateman (Fox's COUSIN, we are told) is in college as opposed to high school, and boxing is substituted for basketball. Styles is still there (although portrayed by a shittier, more "late 80's" actor with a mullet), as are Chubby, the dad from the first one, the nerdy, good-hearted love interest, and the evil jock antagoninst. The story is followed faithfully from beginning to end, punctuated only by a "musical"-style choreographed dancing sequence, possibly one of the most painful scenes I've ever sat through. The worst part, though, is the makeup. Bateman looks like a gnarled, pale hairball, something that your cat coughs up after a long night in the Tenderloin. Awful. Not even GOOD bad. Just BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD.


4) PET SEMATARY 2 (1992)

Jeez. I remember going to see this one in theater, hopes sky high for the sequel to possibly the greatest horror movie of the 80's (see yesterday's post). Ten minutes in, I was appalled. Twenty, confused. A half hour passed, and the shame began to set in. I had been duped by the Hollywood money machine, cheated out of my hard-earned $4.50 (it was 1992, mind you) and robbed of an hour and a half of my life. I mean, just look at the picture of the "wolf" they used (above, left). They couldn't afford a REAL DOG? How many PESOS did they have in their special effects budget? What the fuck?!
My tiny, 13-year-old brain began to process the situation. People who made movies WEREN'T, in fact, very cool. They just wanted to rip me off and take my money. Hollywood was not a cool place, it was a dark carnival of sin and vice, a dank, treacherous pit where only the most dickish and dishonest survived. NOW I knew. They would not fool me again.
This movie wasn't even trying that hard to capitalize on the success of "Pet Sematary". It was more a "star vehicle" for whiny, wooden actor Eddie Furlong, recently made famous by his horrible whimpering in "Terminator 2". I hate that fucker. Hate his goddamn guts.

At least the movie had some boobies.


3) CADDYSHACK 2 (1988)

Talk about crapping on the face of a classic. "Caddyshack 2" took the basic premise of "Caddyshack", removed everything cool about it (including Bill Murray), and served it back to us, lukewarm, flaccid, and unfunny. Hell, they even talked Kenny Loggins (above) into composing another theme song for this one, which ended up being a depressing, mid-tempo snoozer, far inferior to the totally rad "I'm Alright" from the first one.
I can hear the conversation in the producer's office: "Shit, Murray won't sign on for Part 2! Who's available? Has Aykroyd finished 'My Stepmother Is An Alien' yet? Yes? Get me his agent on line 1! And chop me up another line!"
"Caddyshack 2" missed its mark SO completely, SO horribly, it can be seen as almost the antithesis to the original: the OPPOSITE of comedy, a sad trip through a menagerie of bad puns and worse slapstick, a film that makes you weep when you're supposed to be laughing.
You KNOW it's beyond terrible when even KENNY LOGGINS doesn't want to talk about it.

Below: Aykroyd - "I can't believe my agent talk me into this shit!"


2) XTRO 2 (1990)

"XTRO" (the original) certainly isn't the most well-known sci-fi/horror film of the 80's, but in my book, it's definitely one of the best. Mountains of blood and gore, an amazing soundtrack (anybody know where I can find it?), and a scene in which a woman gives birth to a full-grown man all contribute to its sweetness, which makes it all the more painful that its sequel was such a massive failure. "XTRO 2", which quickly sheds any kind of resemblance to the first, is nothing but a no-budget remake of "Aliens", right down to the "Space-Marines trapped on a spaceship with a big scary alien" plot. Throw in a starring role for post-motorcycle accident Jan Michael Vincent, and you've got one heck of a recipe for disaster. At first I was amazed that a little-known cult film like "XTRO" even got a budget for a sequel, but 15 minutes in, it hit me. This movie didn't HAVE a budget.
Shot in what appears to be someone's garage with no lighting whatsoever (see example, above), this flick is a murky, confusing disaster. What few "action sequences" they managed to film are obscured in shadows and darkness, punctuated only by a Z-grade strobe light or blinking red LED here and there. In a way, I guess it was a blessing in disguise. The tiny bits of what pass for "special effects" in this one remain thankfully hidden from our inspection, saving embarassment for both the cast and the crew. Just take a gander at the Mother Alien (below) from the end sequence of the movie. Scary, isn't she?


Trailer from the FIRST "XTRO" (Awesome):

1) TROLL 2 (1990)

Like "XTRO", "Troll" was another lesser-known sci-fi/horror classic with a decent plot, good special effects, music by Blue Cheer and Elaine from Seinfeld in a starring role. "Troll 2", however, bears not even the slightest similarity to the first one, and, due to several factors, is often listed as one of the worst movies of ALL TIME (not just sequels, mind you).

Right: It's called "Nilbog". Do the math.

Concerning the, um, "adventures" of a wayward family that finds itself stuck in a mysterious, backwoods town called Nilbog, "Troll 2" was an utter failure on all fronts, and before its release, director Claudio Fragasso had his name removed from this abomination altogether. You see, Claudio was an Italian gentleman with little to no grasp of the English language. But this small detail didn't stop him from writing a script in English, and demanding that his actors deliver their lines verbatim, leading to such confusing exchanges as this one:

Sheriff Freak: "There're sandwiches for tonight! It'll go easier on you if you eat'em. Otherwise, we'll be forced to kill you VIOLENTLY!"
Drugstore Owner: "It would be a shame! The blood would mix with the meat, and we'd have to leave it in vinegar for the whole night!"

Got that? OK.
Bad dialogue, terrible acting, and a simultaneously confusing and boring plot weren't "Troll 2"'s only problem, though. The trolls, ostensibly the special effects centerpiece of the film, were just people with really bad rubber masks wearing burlap sacks, not the slightest bit scary or convincing. I feel sorry for anyone involved in this film in any way. That includes anyone that's ever seen it. Which includes me.
Fuck, "Troll 2" just gave me a migraine. I'm outta here.

Trailer: (Watch for "they're eating her! now they're going to eat me!")

Trailer from the FIRST "Troll" (Awesome):


purplerainingblood said...

Does "Troll 2" even count as a sequel? Supposedly it was only given that title to piggyback on whatever popularity the first one had (another in a long line of baffling decisions regarding that movie). I still find it wildly entertaining though, despite (or, more accurately, because of) the shittiness.

Isaac said...

MY GOD THAT 3 NINJAS SEQUEL. now THAT is the worst movie i've ever seen, bar none