Monday, December 15, 2008


Last week, I offered a post breaking down the top 5 Dreadnoks in the Cobra lineup. I ranted about how the Cobra team was far superior to the Joe do-gooders, how they had cooler playsets and better vehicles. Well, this week I'll break it down a little further, with this, my list of the TOP 5 RADDEST VILLAINS OF THE G.I. JOE PANTHEON.


Serpentor was a total bro. While most leaders are content to sit in their offices, watching a war from afar and calling the shots as their soldiers die, Serpentor was always on the front lines, blasting lazers from his Air Chariot at the pathetic Joe scum. He was also the mysterious emissary from Cobra-La, a forgotten land where Cobra's true (and harshly guarded) secrets resided.

Serpentor: >>> Beats the Hell out of Cobra Commander

I had a G.I. Joe comic book in my younger days which featured Serpentor as the main villain. In it, he caught a wicked lazer blast to his left bicep. Instead of wussing out like a major chump, he took his trademark dagger and thrust it into some nearby flames. When the dagger became white-hot, he jabbed it into his arm, using it to cauterize the fresh wound. THAT type of shit is the stuff that legends are made of.
Serpentor: Part snake, part man, ALL BRO.


Destro pictured with Hot Librarian, The Baroness<<<

I believe Destro's real name was something like Sir Mack Daddy Pimp Sauce Jones III. Besides having a sweet fashion sense (check that fat red fur collar!), he also apparently had his head dipped in metal or something, and was totally EVIL. Picking up the ball whenever Cobra Commander dropped it (which was alot!), Destro led the Cobra forces with an icy precision, ruling literally with an iron fist. He was also the only Cobra villain with a groupie, the librarian-hot Baroness. Major points to Destro for playing the Pimp angle, and even more for being a rad asshole when the shit hit the fan.

Little known fact: Destro began his career as a sportscaster for KRON-4.


Storm Shadow was a complex dude. Although his allegiance was with the evil Cobra horde, he shared a sacred Sword-Brotherhood with G.I. Joe ninja warrior Snake Eyes (they trained in the same dojo), and was willing to sacrifice his life to protect his sworn brother. An obvious conflict of interest, his superiors put up with it because he was, after all, a totally awesome ninja. He was the coolest action figure to have as a kid, and came with all sorts of sweet ninja weapons. As we all know, ninja weapons RULE.

Above: Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow face off in an awkward, 'Brokeback Mountain'-esque stalemate.


I'll allow Nemesis Enforcer's original packaging to do the explaining for me:

Jesus Christ! Dude is like Cthulhu, Satan, and Dick Cheney combined! Nemesis Enforcer was the muscle of Golobulus, the nefarious ruler of the Cobra-La eco-terrorist clan. He was huge, and did not hesitate to kick EVERYONE'S ASS in ANY SITUATION. He could also fly, and in addition had huge blades growing out of his forearms that he used to chop Joe bitches up.

Right: Nemesis Enforcer takes out the fucking trash.

Badass in every possible way, Mr. Enforcer was the most formidable adversary the Joes ever faced, and ranks high on the list of gnarliest bad guys EVER, G.I. Joe or otherwise.


Golobulus, as I've mentioned above, ruled over the cryptic and ancient realm of Cobra-La. Hasbro added the whole Cobra-La concept to the G.I. Joe mythos late in the game, adding a controversial sci-fi fantasy twist to the otherwise Earthly storyline. It seems Golobulus was spawned from some sort of diabolical space-urchin species, a species bent on the destruction of the inferior human race due to their negligence of Mother Earth. He was part man and part worm, and his action figure, although cumbersome, was a prized possession for any 8-year-old in 1987. In retrospect, I can't help but side with Golobulus and his cause, as he was just out to protect his precious planet and its resources (albeit with unchecked malice and brutal violence). Team Cobra-La had a message, and they would pound it into your head with a blunt object if you didn't get it.

Bonus points: Golobulus had a weird eyepatch thing that looked kinda like a butthole >>>

Below: a couple rad G.I. Joe commercials from the 80's. THE SHIT!!!


TMM said...

I used to have the gigantic jet that had the mini one on was way better tham any piece of shit Sgt Slaughter ever drove....Serpentor ought to be #1. It sure was a pain in the ass to stand him up on his chariot though..

Anonymous said...

You should definitely help fill this out