Wednesday, February 4, 2009


Above: George Lucas serves a just penance for the "Phantom Menace" abomination.

Hollywood is a hideous bitch-goddess wallowing in her own filth and eating her young. Bad remakes and sequels to once-classic films and film franchises have become the norm, and as writers and studios run lower and lower on ideas, further desecration of those classics are on the rise. Take, for example, "I Am Legend", last year's "re-imagining" (read as: pooping all over the legacy) of the Charlton Heston classic "The Omega Man". Gone were the campy zombies and tooth-grinding action of the original, replaced by a bunch of bad CGI and douchelord Will Smith. Why, Hollywood, why?!
For further proof, look no further than Tim Burton's dismal remake of "Planet of the Apes", Rob (ugh) Zombie's remake of John Carpenter's perfect "Halloween", or the raping of Horror classic "The Hills Have Eyes". And don't even get me STARTED on fucking "Star Wars". Pretty much the only 80's re-vamping I've enjoyed in the last couple of years was "Transformers", and that's because I saw it with my kid, and his enthusiasm was absolutely contagious.
Below, you will find a list of a dozen flicks scheduled to be crapped on in the near future. The outlook is grim, I guess all I can do is stay home, shut off the lights, and pop in my VHS copies of the originals.

I could write a post apiece on why each of these remakes is an awful idea, but what's the point? It's all bad.

- G.I. JOE: THE MOVIE (1987)/ G.I. JOE: THE RISE OF COBRA (2009)

Intro to the 1987 version:

Trailer for the NEW one ("from the director of 'The Mummy'"):

- THE DUNWICH HORROR (1970/2009)
The only reason I have any hope for this one is that Dean Stockwell and Jeffrey Combs are both in it. I posted the trailer for the original yesterday, but I couldn't find a trailer for the remake. Why bother?

Update: I.C. reader Elisa sent me this link to the new "Dunwich Horror" trailer, if any of y'all are interested. Thanks, Elisa.

- FRIDAY THE 13TH (1980/2009)

OLD Trailer:

NEW Trailer:

2010 is already shaping up to be a banner year for ill-conceived movie remakes. I shudder to think of how the movies below will be treated, most are in production or pre-production AS YOU READ THIS. Weak!!!

The poster for the new one says 2009, but it got pushed back.

Original trailer (couldn't find one for the remake):

- SHORT CIRCUIT (1986/2010)

Original trailer:

- THE KARATE KID (1984/2010)
Rumored that aforementioned douchelord Will Smith's kid will star, alongside Jackie Chan.

Original trailer:

- CHILD'S PLAY (1988/2010)
Brad Dourif as Chucky??? What the Hell???

Original Trailer:


Original trailer:

Rumor has it the "new" Freddy will be played by Billy Bob Thorton. No, SERIOUSLY.

- THE WARRIORS (1979/2010)

Original trailer:

- LOGAN'S RUN (1976/2010)
FUCK! Fuck fuck fuck fuck!

Original trailer:

- ROBOCOP (1987/2010)
Darren Aronofsky will direct. Cool. "Artsy" Robocop. Great.

Original trailer:

And finally, slated for release in 2011, the worst one of all:

-TRON (1982)/ TRON 2 aka TR2N (2011)

Original trailer for what is quite possibly my favorite movie of all time:

Amateur footage of a trailer for "TR2N" shown at ComicCon 2008, shot by some nerd:

Shame on you, Hollywood. SHAME SHAME SHAME.


Erik said...

Pretty much fucking A spot-on as usual dude. But two minor points of contention:
1) I thought Rob Zombie's Halloween was awesome.
2) Brad Doriff has played Chucky since the original Child's Play.

Carry on.

Shelby Cobras said...

My bad.


Elisa said...

Link to Dunwich Horror remake trailer.

I think it looks okay, but I wouldn't give it the time of day if Jeffrey Combs and Dean Stockwell weren't in it.

Shelby Cobras said...

Cool! Thanks, Elisa.

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