Wednesday, February 4, 2009

DAD ROCK: A UNIVERSAL PLAGUE



Above: prominent Dad Rocker Eric Clapton shows us his musical "oh" face.

"Dad Rock" is a broad term used to describe bands playing any bad combination of rock, funk, blues, R&B, southern rock, jazz, or "jam band" elements. Several symptoms are present in a Dad Rocker, including (but not limited to) a receding hair line, excessive Stevie Ray Vaughn worship (left), "horn sections", khaki shorts, and an affinity for micro-brewed beer. Dad Rock bands usually feature some sort of self-proclaimed "guitar virtuoso", often middle-class white dudes abusing the Major Pentatonic scale in an attempt at portraying some sort of "feel-good" blues vibe (an obvious contradiction in terms).



Right: Carlos Santana, another huge influence on the Dad Rock world.

There are thousands and thousands of Dad Rock bands scattered around the United States, usually playing shows on Wednesday nights in sports bars, but occasionally venturing into the daylight to play outdoor Microbrew Festivals and Bar-B-Q's. Every mid-sized town in the country has at least one local Dad Rock band, and due to family and work commitments, they usually remain pretty close to their home base.

In addition, the term "Dad Rock" can be applied as an insult, pertaining to any boring band with members over the age of 32. Take, for example, your friend Chad, 34 years old with two kids, who talked you into coming out and seeing his Hardcore-Punk band on a Tuesday at the rec center. Chad is an OK guy, kinda edgy for a family man, sporting lots of tattoos and a dark past. But his band REALLY sucks and you regret attending the show. Calling Chad's band "Dad Rock" would be perfectly acceptable as an insult, although they don't particularly play an accepted style of Dad Rock music.

Below: The Black Cat Band, from Georgia. Their drummer is pretty much Dad Rock embodied, from the bad moustache to the electronic drumset:


Below: a typical image of a Dad Rocker abusing the Horns.



Unfortunately, Dad Rock is no longer a genre confined specifically to the U.S., with many confirmed sightings in Europe and even as far away as China. The next three videos are just a few examples of this international threat:

The Bad Funkers from Chieri, Italy:


Cypher's Sin lay down the funky blues jams in Bucharest, Romania:


The Dad Rock plague has even reached the Far East. Example: Wang Feng & The 43 Baojia St. Band from Beijing. Not completely typical Dad Rock musically, but the lead singers ill-fitting leather pants are a dead giveaway.


To further your studies on Dad Rock, here are a few links to get you started: Deep Blue Jones from Virginia,
The Johnny O. Band from Colorado, True Rhythm And Soul from San Diego, and The Blues Funk Project from Muncie, Indiana.

"Serious Bisnezz and The Lodo Horns is the premier Soulful Electric Blues, R&B and Funk band in the Denver area." (below)



In the video below, the Dad Rock specimen can be identified not only by his aggressively funky style of blues riffing, but by his receding hairline and the Zappa poster on his wall:


In conclusion, the International Dad Rock Movement is a serious threat to the ears and sensibilities of music fans everywhere. We must study them closely and keep tabs on them at all times. The first step to defeating your enemy is understanding them.

10 comments:

Tamara said...

I hate to break it to you dude, but you're a dad, and you THINK you rock. What does that make you???

Shelby Cobras said...

Touche.
Except i don't play crappy blues/funk. I play awesome METAL. Did you check out Coldwater Canyon? they seem right up your alley.

Tamara said...

Actually, I'm quite partial to our local Tumbleweeds.

Shelby Cobras said...

never heard 'em. But you've gotta admit you would've loved Coldwater Canyon in high school, though?
Right?

Tamara said...

I plead the 5th. Next time you're in town, remind me to take you to Chapala for dinner - I think the 'Weeds play there every Friday and Saturday night.

Shelby Cobras said...

you buyin'?

Tamara said...

Of course. My jewelry is selling like hotcakes. I'm loaded.

Anonymous said...

I predict your future...
"Shelby Cobras, self proclaimed guitar virtuoso and loving father, wears bostons shirts and carharts, still plays buttrock with a jazzy blues vibe".
You are 30 no? Two years buddy, and your on you're own blog.
Manslaughter

Shelby Cobras said...

im 29. dammit. for 3 more months.

Tamara said...

Oh no! Now they are promoting mom rock too...

http://www.girlsrockcamp.org/programs/ladies-rock-camp