Monday, December 8, 2008


So, you've decided to start a sweet one-man black metal band. You've got a drum machine, 3 or 4 guitar riffs, and a stockpile of corpsepaint... You're set, right? WRONG! It will take a lot more than that for you to rise above the murky sea of uber-kvlt black metal warriors. The market is currently flooded with dudes just like you, all of them believing that THEIR BAND is the one that will "make it". There is fierce competition out there, and you need to be prepared before you march into battle. As a savvy music industry insider, (chances are at least one of my bands is advertised on the page you are reading RIGHT NOW) I've decided to help out the little guys with a couple pointers on how to make it big in the frosty black metal realm. Follow closely and you too can be a BLACK METAL GOD!


The gang all gathers 'round the radio to check out the new Watain album-->

I cannot stress the importance of this one enough. Dealing with roommates can be a real drag, and will distract you from focusing on the dark thoughts so essential for writing good Black Metal lyrics. Left alone in your basement or attic space, you will have plenty of time to dwell on the evil in your soul, to brood on the insignificance of the pathetic human race. You can also save some cash by moving in with your parental units, which will prove helpful when it comes time to release your first self-produced demo cassette. Which brings us to the next tip:


Don't kid yourself. Once you get that demo finished, you're going to be spending ALOT of time sitting around the stereo in your now-parent-funded space, dubbing copies to send away to hipster music publications and rad mp3 music blogs. Let's be honest here: any indie rocker music journalist worth a 12-pack of Pabst is NOT going to take your music seriously unless it's presented on a 60-minute cassette tape. Believe me, a CD will go straight into the garbage! I reccommend using either Maxell or Sony tapes, as they have that heavy "tape-hiss" sound so vital to achieving a genuine "kvlt-y" sound.


If you plan on ever playing live, this step is essential. Working in a slaughterhouse, you will have unlimited access to all the animal blood, pig's heads, and rotting meat you will need for a successful concert experience. You will be lucky to keep a single person in the room if you aren't constantly assaulting them with waves of blood and offal and confronting their olfactory system with the scent of rancid death and decay. This should be a no-brainer, but I include it here as a service to the unexperienced novice.


<--Ugg boots, retail price $49.95 to $199.95. Use the money you make from your new job at the slaughterhouse, dummy!

Uggs are the ultimate in true kvlt black metal footwear. You need to "have the look" if you're going to make it, and a major part of that "look" is a sweet pair of fuzzy boots. This is what they wear EVERY DAY over in Norway, and I'll give you ONE GUESS what kind of footprints they found at the scene of the crime during the church burnings of the early 90's. That's right, bro. Ugg-prints. Plus, they will keep your evil little tootsies super cozy on those long walks out in the snowy forest. Treat yourself. No one ever said that you have to sacrafice "komfort" to be "kvlt"!


Guess what, Gerald? Your name no longer works here. Kvlt warriors of the frozen tundra need long, awesome names, heavy on the consonants! Goodbye, Gerald, hello Count Ninnagesh! Which reminds me, always give yourself a title. Count, Lord or Sir are all good ones. You will need to BECOME this name, a good place to start is to insist that your parents refer to you by it, and it alone. It doesn't matter where you find this name, but I can give you a couple leads:

The Harry Potter series. Lord Valdemort = super awesome black metal name! You might even want to go as far as reading the books. Trust me, they are chock full of awesome ones!

You can even use the name of a character from your favorite 80's cartoon for girls:

Above: Hordak the Spanish black metal band. Below: Hordak from She-Ra, Princess of Power.

Hopefully, these tips have been some help to you. Now get out there and make it happen! Reach for the sky, and remember, true kvlt black metal doesn't come from your mind. It comes from your HEART!!!

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