Friday, December 5, 2008


In my opinion, bad tattoos are not neccessarily a BAD THING. I see them as somewhat of a rite of passage and sport several of my own. But sometimes you see a tattoo SO awful, SO revolting, that you recoil in terror, startled and confused by the grim glimpse of it's bearer's putrified psyche, this horrifying avatar that they've chosen as a window to their dark and twisted soul.
Below is a haunting gallery of just such tattoos. I urge you to enter cautiously, and hesitate to share such grotesque imagery. But, if nothing else, maybe this collection will help someone, somehow, or, failing that, at least maybe make you feel a little better about that butterfly tramp-stamp that you got right after you graduated high school (I'm looking at you, Myles).

This one really straddles the fine line between best and worst. I think what pushes it over to the 'worst' side is that it appears to be on a man. If this tat was on my girlfriend I would probably think that it was super hot (the fact that the female unicorn is depicted smoking a cig mid-coitus certainly doesn't hurt).

Again, this would actually be a pretty rad tat if they hadn't fucked up and put Chris Farley's face where Swayze's should have been.

It's not the tattoo itself i take issue with. It's the tattoo on the dolphin's right dorsal fin. Generic early 9o's 'tribal tattoos are a plague. A bland, clearly stated announcement that you are a dull, pathetic human with no concept of originality or artistic merit. This dolphin is totally phoning it in, tat-wise.

Bellybutton-as-butthole tattoos are on the rise, much to the chagrin of anyone with any sense of dignity or aesthetics. This is one of many I have seen, but I think what makes this one so bad is the come-hither look on the kitty's face. It just increases the creepiness factor tenfold.

Something tells me the only time this guy has ever gotten laid it was in a toolshed somewhere, with a close relative.

Hey, awesome disgusting, topical tat, bro! The scatological equivalent of getting a tattoo of Don't Tase Me Bro.

Goddamnit, I hate this fucking band. But personal preferences aside, the thing just looks like total ass. I bet she gets asked, "wow, did you draw that yourself?" alot.

Another band I despise. This guy actually took it to the next level, though, by putting crappy tribal swirlies behind the logo. It's like baking a shit pie, and when the shit pie comes out of the oven, scooping a big old chunk of shit ice cream on top of it. Amazing. I bet this dude smokes "hella dank" and really digs "pale ale". Asshole.

I had a friend who had the Filth band logo tattooed on his arm. I guess he met Jake Filth at a party once and showed him his ink. Jake was like, "you fucking idiot, why did you do that?" to my buddy, which totally crushed him. Ha ha. I'm sure Jeff Gordon would have the same reaction if he ever met this saggy, wrinkled piece of Bible Belt dumpster shame. Serves her right.

OK, dude, we get it. You're a basketball player. You're cooler than the rest of us. 10-4. Is the NBA logo on the ball really neccessary? Insult to injury, man. What a dick.

Nice work, Mr. Cool Ice. You've given us a picture we can finally put next to the word "douche" in the dictionary. And isn't the name a tad redundant? Isn't all ice cool? Isn't that what MAKES IT "ICE"? Maybe you should change your name to something like Mr. Stinky Shit. Oh, I forgot, you already have the other one TATTOOED ALL OVER YOUR BODY. I think the worst part is the expression and hand placement on the skeleton. Kinda looks like it's gazing over the counter in some 50's soda fountain at the school hunk. Boo, Mr. Cool Ice. Boooooooo.

I like how it's all fresh and gooey and gross, hence making it that much more Spears-esque. The only thing that could've saved this one is a sweet pair of MANTLERS. Or womantlers, rather.

This one really takes the cake, though. Or the shit pie. I was under the impression that Myspace was like Fight Club, i.e. if you're on Myspace you don't TALK about Myspace. This pile of sub-human lameness has joined Fight Club, talked about Fight Club, and even got a Fight Club tattoo. I would really love to meet this sack of crap. I would totally punch him in the face.... WITH MY DICK!

1 comment:

cory said...

can't believe you forgot this classic: