Thursday, December 11, 2008
Cobra was the badass-est evil terrorist group dedicated to chaos and destruction featured in a children's cartoon and toy line, ever. Although the Halliburton-funded Joes always managed to thwart their evil schemes, Cobra had cooler costumes, sweeter weapons, and a way better origin story.
Exhibit A: The Cobra Terror Dome>>
My favorite introduction into the Cobra pantheon was the Dreadnoks, a group of vicious Australian punk rock bikers recruited by Serpentor who relocated to the Florida Everglades to wreak havoc on the capitalist American G.I. Joe swine. Just check out this awesome commercial for the Thunder Machine (the primary mode of Dreadnok transportation), and you might get an idea of what crazy fuckers these dudes actually were:
But I digress. Here's my list of THE TOP 5 DREADNOKS, in no specific order:
The Dreadnoks gather around the Thunder Machine to burn a couple doobies on their lunch break>>
Hmmm... Who could this guy have been based on? Let's see, sweet mutton chops, scraggly hair, aviator shades, cowboy boots...
Proof positive that Hasbro created the first Lemmy action figure way back in the 80's. Torch was a welder, and used gas and flame as a weapon when confronting enemies. He sported at least one tattoo and a cut-off leather jacket that read 'Melbourne Maulers' (a reference to his motorcycle gang). Torch is metal as fuck. He probably listened to alot of Slayer.
2) RED BEARD
I'll let the packaging for the Red Beard action figure sum it up for you:
Dang! Not only did he play in a punk band, but dude tried to murder his own mom! Obviously, a seriously fucked up cat. Just kinda gives you an idea what kind of deranged scum the Dreadnoks ran with, man.
Zartan was the unofficial leader of the Dreadnoks, and acted as liason between them and Cobra Command. A mysterious ninja and master of disguise, Zartan had skin that could change color and always had a mask handy for a tight situation.
It must also be noted that Zartan was the first G.I. Joe to rock corpsepaint. Although his secret files indicate that he was originally from France, I'd be willing to bet he had some Norweigan or Swedish heritage kicking around somewhere.
Although obviously scoring major points for his name alone, it was also a misnomer. Judging from his style of dress and the green streak he sported in his hair, Thrasher was more on the Black Flag/Misfits side of the fence than the Exodus/Testament one.
Credited with constructing the aforementioned Thunder Machine, he was a handy guy to have around, not only good with a wrench and screwdriver but also with a dagger and chain. Thrasher was punk as fuck, and took shit from exactly NO ONE.
5) ROAD PIG
The Dreadnok enforcer, Road Pig was massive, violent, and BAD-FUCKING-ASS. He suffered from a split personality, spending most of his time as mild-mannered Donald DeLuca. But much like the Hulk, fits of rage would turn him into a towering demon, ready to lay his foes to waste in a homicidal frenzy. Extra points for his weapon of choice, a cinderblock at the end of a metal pipe. Ouch!
As evidenced by his Anarchy tattoo and the red stripe dyed into his white crew-cut, Road Pig was also of the Punk Rock persuasion, probably pitting it up with Thrasher at many a Wasted Youth show back in the day.
Coming soon: Cobra Countdown Part 2, Top 5 Raddest Villains of the Cobra Pantheon!