"Muscle Car". 2 words that when spoken separately carry little punch, but when packaged together summon visions of unimaginable power, of fire-breathing behemoths barreling down the highway, laying waste to the weak and the foolish. Few syllabic combinations in the English language carry this much weight, except possibly "Death Metal" or "Science Fiction".
With gas prices the lowest they've been in years (and with no chance they'll ever rise again), now is a great time to buy a classic American muscle car, either for yourself or for a loved one this Holiday season. I offer this, my list of the TOP 5 SWEETEST AMERICAN MUSCLE CARS OF THE 60'S AND 70'S, as a public service to help you, the reader, pick out your sweet new ride, or, if you're feeling generous, at least buy a couple of them for me.
5) 1970 FORD TORINO COBRA
Probably best known as the wheels Starsky & Hutch chose to roll on, the Torino is a Ford classic, and the Cobra touch is icing on the cake.
This is the perfect car to cruise around the neighborhood in, sipping a Coors Light and blasting some Creedence, the mechanical equivalent of a handlebar moustache. The Torino Cobra tells the world that you're a MAN'S MAN, and the roar of its 429 V8 engine will herald your arrival like a cavalcade of hellish trumpets. Dude.
4) 1976 CORVETTE STINGRAY
This car is Cocaine embodied. Pure, uncut Bolivian marching powder delivered in the form of 2 seats, 4 wheels, and a whole shitload of American steel under the hood. You've grown a little, and the your taste for Coors Light and Creedence has evolved a bit. You're more of a Dom Perignon and Deep Purple guy now, and your car should reflect it.
The Stingray was the Lamborghini Countach of it's day, the precursor of the Maserati and DeLorean. It reeks of class and sophistication but still has the raw, unbridled fury where it counts. A classic beast, sleek and brutal.
3) 1978 PONTIAC BANDIT TRANS AM
Jesus Christ, would you look at that thing?! A true piece of American ingenuity, a tribute to all things awesome and ballsy. This is the car Burt Reynolds drove in "Smokey and the Bandit", forever cementing its glorious image in the national subconscious. The bird on the hood, blazoned in a proud golden hue, is a beacon of your superiority, a signal to your foes that their only chance of survival is to submit immediately, and accept their fate of total and permanent defeat.
2) 1976 CHEVY CAMARO Z28
You guys remember that scene in the Transformers movie, when Megan Fox's character (I don't recall her name) talks shit on Sam Witwicky's rusty old 76 Camaro? The SWEET Camaro (actually Autobot Bumblebee in disguise) decides to change itself into a brand new 2010 Camaro, hence increasing Sam's chance of scoring with this witless whore. Booooo!!! If I were in Mr. Witwicky's position, here's what I would have done differently: a) Pointed out that ANY 1976 Camaro, no matter how rusty or beat up, is totally sweet and should be treated with the utmost honor and respect. b) Gunned the engine and peeled out really loud to prove my point. c) Kicked the foolish woman from the vehicle, and sought greener pastures elsewhere.
Right: Bumblebee, awesome.
Left: Bumblebee, lame.
1) 1969 SHELBY COBRA MUSTANG GT 500
The absolute fucking king of muscle cars and my namesake to boot! Master mechanic Carroll Shelby took Ford's already kick-ass Mustang and turned it into something more formidable, more awesome, and more aesthetically pleasing.
The Shelby Cobra ushered in the era of the Muscle Car, and none that followed could ever match its sweetness. Perfection encompassed, a true work of genius from an under-appreciated American wizard.