Tuesday, March 24, 2009


There are ups and downs to living in this fair city. For example:


Take half a minute to watch the video above.
This was the scene that greeted me as I emerged from the Powell Street BART station on my way home from work 2 weeks ago. A fucking cream pie fight. Great.
Quick and agile like a ninja, I managed to avoid the onslaught of shaving cream and douchebags, although the whole experience left a bad taste in my mouth.

Right: Nice "ironic moustache", asshole.

The Great SF Cream Pie fight was an example of a "Flash Mob", the trendy new thing among Bay Area "artists". Usually perpetrated by Burners or freshmen from the Academy of Art, Flash Mobs are gatherings of large groups of people, arranged via text messages or Twittering, who converge at some predetermined place to do something "fun" and "wacky". Most often, they leave a huge mess behind (as Burners always do) and involve unsuspecting passers-by in their shenanigans. For example, after the cream pie fight, the Flash Mobbers split, leaving the (ultra-efficient) city workers of San Francisco with a cleanup bill totalling well over $10,000. What a bunch of assholes!
This is the kind of thing that makes SF an annoying place to live. I'm just saying.


On the upside, we have weirdos like Frank Chu, aka the 12 Galaxies Guy. Frank is something of an enigma, a creepy protester who shows up at just about every large gathering in the city toting his ever-present sign (above). What is he protesting? Gee, I'm glad you asked.
Frank believes that President Clinton ordered the CIA to withhold payment from him for being the star of a TV show called "The Richest Family". Though the show has never been aired (to my knowledge), he is demanding compensation of "20 billions", and also fighting for the impeachment of our former President (yes, still). It seems that the Clintons (including Hillary and Chelsea) worked in cahoots with the nefarious "12 Galaxies" (these are the first 12 galaxies closest to our own) to snub him, and while he has gained the support of the Zegnotronic (120 galaxies away), Chu has been unsuccessful in retrieving his damages (so far).
How did he find out about this conspiracy? Well, it turns out that KGB agents, disguised as movie stars, disguised as California Correctional Officers told him... Through ESP.
As a result, the 12 Galaxies Guy is always nearby when a television camera makes an appearance, hoisting his nonsensical(?!?) signs for all the world to see. He enjoys a cultish, Emperor Norton-esque status in the city, receiving free drinks and free food in several establishments. He also had a night club named after him, "12 Galaxies", which went under just last year. He's a kind, soft-spoken guy, just trying to get back what The Man took from him. And for that, he gets my respect.
And no one ever had to clean up after the 12 Galaxies Guy (except maybe his roommates).

Some previous 12 Galaxies signs (they change on a regular basis):

-"Impeach / Clinton / 12 Galaxies / Guiltied to a / Zegnatronic / Rocket Society"
-"BRINST / 12 Galaxies / Betatronic Universal / Perverted Treasons / Against them ruling / Dectronic / Neutron Speculations"
-"WELCH / 12 Galaxies / Bretrokenitol persecutions / KGO: Textrochenical coverage / Faxkonutikel / Anabolic Contemptuous / Fibrillations"
-"Massachusetts / 12 Galaxies / Quintronic criminals / Time Magazine: Star / Hextrotronic / Oscillating / Ebullient inoculations"
-"Kayser / 12 Galaxies / Stetrobenigul sertralines / TASS: Detrorunical coverage / Cutrogrenikel / Terfenadine Tricyclic / Carbamazepine"

Think about it.


Erik Del Tigre said...

I FULLY AGREE with this: flash mobs are retarded like special olympics bowling. Remember when we saw all those mimes and clowns squaring off outside Benders? I was like, this is going to be the greatest thing I have ever seen. But then instead of brawling, they just ran at each other giggling? It was a fucking art student flash mob! I think everyone outside the bar realized this at the same time, and we all started yelling at them for sucking at life. Man, that was so lame. I really wanted to see some clown blood... What a tease.

Shelby Cobras said...

Indeed. I was expecting 'Shakes The Clown' but all we got was the fucking Teletubbies. WEAK.

Anonymous said...

This post hits the nail on the head, worst part about sf are the art school indie hipsters, best part is the crazy acid case eccentrics. They balance each other out.