Wednesday, March 11, 2009

ENOUGH ALREADY!

OR: THE TOP 5 REASONS HOLLYWOOD NEEDS TO LEAVE THE COMIC BOOK INDUSTRY THE FUCK ALONE.

So once again, the Hollywood money machine has shat all over another comic book legacy, this time the alternate-reality hero-fest Watchmen. Plagued by bad casting, bad costumes, and worse CGI (as all comic book adaptations are these days), this big-budget "blockbuster" is just another installment in a string of terrible crossovers that go all the way back to the 70's. Hey Hollywood! Stop it! It doesn't translate! It looks stupid! Seriously! Stop!
And guess what? I haven't even seen Watchmen. But I don't need to. I can smell a bad movie like a burrito fart in a Smart Car.
And before you guys get all "Hey, Watchmen was pretty good, bro" on me, consider two facts: You're dealing with a man who couldn't even sit through the first 20 minutes of the "visionary masterpiece" 300 and would rather watch The Devil's Rain 10 times in a row than be subjected to that steaming dungheap The Dark Knight again. I'm just sayin'.
So here's five good examples to back up my demand, limited to only bad casting choices because, all things considered, I could go on and on about this subject for days.

#5 - NICHOLAS CAGE AS GHOST RIDER (2007)

Believe it or not, a sequel is in the works.



#4 - ARNOLD SHWARZENEGGER AS MR. FREEZE IN BATMAN & ROBIN (1997)

Consider him the glowing blue predecessor to Watchmen's Dr. Manhattan.



#3 - BEN AFFLECK AS DAREDEVIL (2003)

Another movie I had to abandon 20 minutes in. Acting... Too... Painful... Must... Hit... STOP...



#2 - GEORGE CLOONEY AS BATMAN IN BATMAN & ROBIN (1997)

All in all, this movie has to be the absolute WORST comic book adaptation ever conceived/filmed. Really.



#1 - KELSEY GRAMMAR AS BEAST IN X-MEN 3: THE LAST STAND (2006)

This horrendous foible is proof enough in itself that Hollywood has crossed the line and must be stopped at any cost.




As far as I'm concerned, the only comic book adaptations that should EVER be allowed are TV shows, and even then, only on TV shows in the 60's, 70's and 80's. The proof? Adam West as Batman and Lou Ferrigno as The Hulk. 'Nuff said.

4 comments:

ragidtiga said...

4 out of 5. Fair play. but utterly wrong on Kelsey Grammar. As perfect casting as you will see in a comic book film.

and Watchmen was damn good, if not perfect. But you know what, we didn't want it to be really.

Peter said...

I haven't seen watchmen either but I don't see how it could possibly work as a film. The thing that really makes it a great piece of work is that it takes the medium to new places. I don't think there's anyway for the book to be properly transferred to film. It works because its a comic book.

Also, Shelby and anyone else interested, here is how to enjoy 300...
Step 1 - Rent it on dvd
Step 2 - Skip straight to the battle scenes about 30 minutes in.
Step 3 - Mute it
Step 4 - Turn on a brutal death metal mix including, but not limited to, Origin, Nile, and Visceral Bleeding.

This transforms a dogshit movie into a perfect death metal music video. Its sort of a metal heads dark side of the rainbow, just replace your hallucinogens with whisky, and your bong tokes with beerz.

Anonymous said...

That is indeed how to enjoy 300! Good one Peter.

Nicky Cage is the most overpaid over rated hunk of talentless shit I have ever watched no matter what role he plays. I'm waiting for him and Colin Farrell to team up for the ultimate cinematic abortion. Even Ben Affleck can look down on those two with a certain amount of smugness.

Anonymous said...

You're whining. You would only have a right to if you were FORCED to see those movies.

Never saw 'Watchmen'? Your loss, dumbass.

Kelsey Grammar made a remarkably effective Hank McCoy.

Oh, and by the way? 'Daredevil' isn't half as bad as people want it to be.