Thursday, April 30, 2009


Another stupid survey brought to you courtesy of Skimmy Jabrone Realty and Illogical Contraption Recombinant DNA Laboratories, Inc.

Above: A typical "Metal Party".

It's no secret that Thrash Metal bands like to party. But who parties the hardest? Below, you will find a very partial list featuring 5 Thrash bands, past and present, that really know how to party. Each is presented in conjunction with one song off of one of their most partyin' albums. Who would you rather party with? Cast your votes in the 'Comments' section, along with ideas on any other MAJORLY PARTYIN' Metal bands I may have forgotten.

1) TANKARD circa 1986

(Photo is from 2007, but it just goes to show that these guys never gave up the dream.)

German beer-o-crats Tankard have built their legacy upon the fact that they are quite fond of tasty suds. Are THEY the dudes you want to rage with? Check out "(Empty) Tankard" off of 1986's Zombie Attack before you decide:

"(Empty) Tankard" - Lyrical highlights:

"Drinking and fucking through the whole night long
Partying with friends 'til fucking dawn
Let's go thrashin' and stagedivin'
Feel the power and sound again

We want to drink some fucking beer,
we want to drink some whiskey

Frankfurt's thrashers will rule tonight
They're well known for their bloody fight
Wodka and Cognac are our leaders
We're the best, we fuck the fuckin' rest

Empty Tankard!

We have come to slamdance tonight
Bangin' and bleedin' till the fuckin' end
Playing fast and running free
Stand up maniacs, you have to fight

Liver is broken down so bloody hard
I keep on drinking until I drop
Bang your head against the fuckin' wall
Show the damned wimps who we are!"

Did I mention that Tankard are also fond of chilling out and watching zombie movies? It's true.

-Some additional lyrics from the song "Zombie Attack":

"I'm just hanging around tonight, just watching films
I am on the Zombie Trip and brutal things I like

Zombie attack!

The film I saw is over now and I leave my home
Brutal Zombies are shouting so hard, is it real or not?

I wake up, this was a dream, I drink my beer
But then I see a Zombie killin', I know I must die!"

2) MUNICIPAL WASTE, modern day

Thrash revivalists Municipal Waste are another group of Bros infamous for their hard-partyin' ways. In fact, they claim to have heightened partying to an art form, as evidenced by their 2007 album The Art of Partying and its eponymously-named title track. But are these new-school drunks capable of usurping the frothy throne of their predecessors? You decide:

"The Art of Partying" Lyrical highlights:

"There's thrashing all around
You know the Waste provides the sounds
(self-reference = Essential to good Party Metal)
To push the party level all the way to ten

The terror starts tonight
A drunken outrage in our sight
And we won't waste our time to rip this place to shreds
We've broken all the laws and moshed on people's heads

As the thrash pounds through your head
Pound your drinks
Tonight we shred!

We don't need their laws together we destroy
And I won't let them ruin the one thing I enjoy
Tonight's the night we finally get to rip this place apart
And this is how we turn your boring party into art!

And edger's can still party too with X's on their hands
As long as you can rage hard with the drinkers of the land
No patrols going to stop us doing our own thing tonight
No shitty crew's with attitudes to ruin our good time"

(The Waste is even down with the Straight Edge kids!)

"But if you love to thrash you know we will supply
And we will keep the party going onward through the night
It doesn't matter how you look or how much you can yell
As long as you stay genuine and do things for yourself"

3) ASSASSIN circa 1988

Assassin, another awesome German Thrash band, love the suds too, but showed their open-mindedness to "different" styles of partying on their 1988 album The Interstellar Experience. Apparently, Assassin believe that candy and hot chicks are essential to a good party, too. Check out the killer jam "Junk Food" for an explanation:

"Junk Food" Lyrical highlights:

"Hey man I gotta tell you a story
listen man to what I go to say
It took place here in a sunny afternoon
and there was nothing to do
We were all very hungry and had nothing to eat
so we started to search for food
some time later we found a deli-store
but this wasn't what we wanted

Junk Food - is the only exception
Junk Food - is the rule over everything
Junk Food - and some chocolate ice-cream
Junk Food - that is what we want!

We skated downhill on the sidewalks of Main Street
And finally we found the right store
As we came very close to the great holy place
We begun to see our faves:

Oreo - the chocolate sandwich!
Chocomel - number one drink of Holland!
Kit Kat - the British waffelsnack!
Bazooka - the best chewing gum!

If you're hungry and have no idea what to eat
The only answer is: Junk Food
that is what we want!

In the store were five cute looking girlies
And we asked them for the best teeth-killer
They were not interested in
answering our questions
'cause sex was on their minds
We were thinking now if we
should take off with them
We said no to this great offer
The girls were surprised and
asked for an explanation
I said Junk Food is what we want!

M&M's - the chocolate candies
Raider - the double snack
31 - the USA ice - cream!

At five o'clock after the great delicious meal
We met at the rehearsal room
Suddenly the door went open
And the five girls came with more stuff!

Oreos - for Mr.Cash
M&M's - for Psycho II ant Mr.T
Chocomel - for Mr.Hoo P
Milky Way - for Mr.Space Man!"


4) FORCED ENTRY circa 1991

Over the course of two full-length albums and one EP, Seattle thrashers Forced Entry established their burning desire to party as well. Songs like "We're Dicks" and "How We Spent Our Summer Vacation" off of 1991's As Above, So Below were full of un-PC references to booze, drugs, and babes, showing that F.E. was just looking for a good time, and FUCK the consequences. Let's listen in on the aforementioned "How We Spent Our Summer Vacation" for more specific evidence:

"Summer Vacation" Lyrical highlights:

The rest of the lyrics don't really matter. It's that often-recurring chorus, comprised solely of the simple command "GET FUCKED UP!", that does the talking here.


Okay, so maybe Suicidal Tendencies wasn't specifically a Thrash band, as their crossover sound was a pioneering element in the "skate punk" genre. But these fuckers, early on, obviously knew how to BRO DOWN. Check out this video for "Possessed To Skate", off of 1987's Join The Army, for proof (don't mind the shitty intro by modern-day Mike Muir - it sucks).

"And remember, no skateboarding 'til you've DONE YOUR HOMEWORK":

"Possessed To Skate" Lyrical highlights:

"Seemed like such an innocent toy
Got a skate at eight years old
He was the All-American boy
Now the story can be told

Beware he's possessed to skate!

When he skates - he skates
Cause he never hesitates
Cause he rips -h e rips
Like a modern gladiator ain't got no fears
He's the wizard on the wheels
So skate!

He shoots the pool like a launching pad
Skating is all that's on his mind
If it ain't insane then you can't get rad
(particularly awesome line there)
He's skating radical all the time

Beware he's possessed to skate!

Doesn't understand why you'd wanna walk
Ain't got time to sit and talk
Used to be just like you and me

Now he's an outcast of society
Beware he's possessed to skate!

And the skating's getting radical!"




chrisc said...

it would definitely be those crazy germans,tankard for me.what better way to spend your night than drinking beer,listening to thrash metal and crashing posers'heads?

Shelby Cobras said...

I think i would have to go with Suicidal on this one. I mean, watching them thrash that dude's house...? Compelling stuff, man.

Steven said...

Forced Entry: 'Hey babe, will you sit on my face?' (impossible to type the drunken slurring...)

chris said...

the Waste, hands down! one of the best live shows i've ever seen by the way.

gooniestorm said...

is that timothy leary as the dad in the suicidal video? i know he's in some devo videos so it's not that far off...