Thursday, July 29, 2010


Current obsession: BILL FUCKING HICKS.

Why? Because no one else is funny compared to Bill Hicks.
No one else is mean compared to Bill Hicks.
No one else is smart compared to Bill Hicks.
No one straddled the line between VISCERAL and CEREBRAL like Bill Hicks.
No one else stuck it to The Man like Bill Hicks.

Squeegee your third eye, fucker. Let's take a trip.

"You never see a positive drug story on the news. They always have the same LSD story. You've all seen it: "Today a young man on acid...thought he could fly...jumped out of a building...what a tragedy!" What a dick. He's an idiot. If he thought he could fly why didn't he take off from the ground first? Check it out? You don't see geese lined up to catch elevators to fly south; they fly from the fucking ground. He's an idiot. He's dead. Good! We lost a moron? Fucking celebrate. There's one less moron in the world... Wouldn't you like to see a positive LSD story on the news? To base your decision on information rather than scare tactics and superstition?, perhaps? Wouldn't that be interesting? Just for once?

Today, a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration – that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. There's no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we're the imagination of ourselves. Here's Tom with the weather."

"I loved when Bush came out and said, "We are losing the war against drugs." You know what that implies? There's a war being fought, and the people on drugs are winning it."

"They're putting the cart before the horse on this pornography issue. Playboy doesn't cause sexual thoughts. Sexual thoughts exist and, therefore, there is Playboy. Do you see? … You know what causes sexual thoughts? I'm gonna clear the air for you tonight. I'm gonna end this debate, hopefully once and for all while on this planet, 'cause outer space awaits our presence, we are better and more unique creatures than this and all eternity is our playground, so let me go ahead and clear this one issue up once and for all and let's move on to real issues. Can we? Great.

Here's what causes sexual thoughts: having a dick."

Apparently there is a Bill Hicks biopic in the works. Russell Crowe is supposed to star. JUST SAY NO.

"Folks, it's time to evolve. That's why we're troubled. You know why our institutions are failing us, the church, the state, everything's failing? It's because, um – they're no longer relevant. We're supposed to keep evolving. Evolution did not end with us growing opposable thumbs. You do know that, right? There's another 90 percent of our brains that we have to illuminate."
"People pay lip service to saving the planet, but they don't – they fail to make the big leap that if you want to save the planet, kill your fucking self. The planet will be saved without you. And what a delightful place it'll be. Welcome. It's a new thing I'm working on, called "The Comedy of Hate". Join in."

"I'll show you politics in America. Here it is, right here. "I think the puppet on the right shares my beliefs." "I think the puppet on the left is more to my liking." "Hey, wait a minute, there's one guy holding out both puppets!" "Shut up! Go back to bed, America. Your government is in control. Here's Love Connection. Watch this and get fat and stupid. By the way, keep drinking beer, you fucking morons."

"Rick Astley? Have you seen this banal incubus at work? Boy, if this guy isn't heralding Satan's imminent approach to Earth, huh. "Don't ever wanna make you cry, never wanna make you sigh … never gonna break your heart" … oh, I wouldn't worry about that without a dick, buddy. You got a corn nut! You got a clit! You're not even a guy! You're an AIDS germ that got off a slide! They're puttin' music to AIDS germs, they're puttin' a drum machine behind them in a metronome beat and Ted Turner's colorizing 'em, God damn it!"


"They tell us "Rock'n'roll is the devil's music." Well, let's say we know that rock is the the devil's music, and we know that it is, for sure... At least he fuckin' jams! If it's a choice between eternal Hell and good tunes, and eternal Heaven and New Kids on the fuckin' Block...I'm gonna be surfin' on the lake of fire, rockin' out."

"I think it's interesting the two drugs that are legal, alcohol and cigarettes, two drugs that do absolutely nothing for you at all; and the drugs that might open your mind up to realize how badly you're being fucked every day of your life? … Those drugs are against the law. He-heh, coincidence?
...I'm glad mushrooms are against the law, because I took them one time, and you know what happened to me? I laid in a field of green grass for four hours going, "My God! I love everything." Yeah, now if that isn't a hazard to our country … how are we gonna keep building nuclear weapons, you know what I mean? What's gonna happen to the arms industry when we realize that we're all one?!"

"Go back to bed, America. Your government has figured out how it all transpired. Go back to bed, America. Your government is in control again. Here. Here's American Gladiators. Watch this, shut up. Go back to bed, America. Here is American Gladiators. Here is 56 channels of it! Watch these pituitary retards bang their fucking skulls together and congratulate you on living in the land of freedom. Here you go, America! You are free to do as we tell you! You are free to do what we tell you!"

My favorite:

Dangerous (1990)

Relentless (1990)

Rant In E-Minor (1997)

Arizona Bay (1997)



(the government killed Bill Hicks)


The Thing That Should Not Be said...

A-fucking-MEN. D'you know you've got us limeys to thank for his pre-death success? Yep. We liked him MORE and LOUDER than you septic tanks did. HA!

Aylmer said...

Yeah, he ruled. And fuck Crowe. But who to play him? Josh Brolin?

Helm said...

I really enjoy Bill Hicks' work as well. And by having read his biography, in some ways I feel him as a kindred spirit. He has had a profound positive impact in my outlook to life.

Brother Supremo said...

And David Letterman cut his segment where he went on about pro-lifers.

And then last year he had Bill Hick's mother on and finally showed Bill's segment out of tribute.

Letterman is still a fucking asshole for cutting it in the first place. He's as bad as fucking leno

SEANFORD said...

thanks for the epic 4 pack shelbro. keep the stand up coming. stoked on this.

Ambassador MAGMA said...

YES!!! Bill Hicks was the last thing I listened to a few weeks ago at work when they said we weren't allowed to listen to anything while we worked. It's no coincidence. My dad loved Bill Hicks, I love Bill Hicks and although I won't spawn, I will ensure future generations will love Bill Hicks.

Jake Thee Pope said...

It burns my ass up & down nearly every fucking day that Bill Hicks is dead, while that thieving sack of shit Dennis Leary uses pieces of Bill's persona (not to mention the bits he lifted wholesale) he ripped off to sell pickup trucks.


Anonymous said...

"That's right, when L.A. falls in the fucking ocean and is flushed away, all it will leave is Arizona Bay."

Steven said...

Hicks' batting average: 1.001

Doug said...

shelby, you are the fucking MAN for posting all this. bill hicks was god.