We are all aware, I'm sure, of the Runaways film that presently has genitals a-twitter the world over (right), but, God help me, I'm just not that interested. I don't have anything against Cherie Currie and Joan Jett, per se, but there are other rock and roll team-ups I'd rather see on the big screen. Lots and lots of them, actually.
Not that I ever will. My relationship with Hollywood has been "rocky", at best, but it's never too late. I can GUARANTEE that any of the team-ups I recommend below would be BOX OFFICE GOLD, but alas, I fear that my brilliant ideas will once again fall upon deaf ears. But I don't write for money or recognition. I write for the satisfaction of a job well done. So there.
Bear with me, my friends. Below you will find 5 sure-fire, ready-made rock and roll "buddy" films. As you read, please do your best to visualize how these films would actually look and feel. They are all winners, and maybe through the power of positive thought we can turn a Hollywood head or two and make me some dough.
...Oh wait, I mean "make me satisfied with a job well done". Yeah.
5) MICHAEL JACKSON AND EDDIE VAN HALEN: THE THRILLER and "BEAT IT" COLLABOS, 1982-'83
It's true, my friends. Not only did the Duke of Shred provide backing guitar tracks for several songs on the King of Pop's Thriller, but also the driving main riff on MJ's follow-up single "Beat It". If you can think of two more innovative and captivating titans of the music industry, I'd like to hear 'em.
Here's what I'm thinking: We work it from sort of a "buddy/action" angle. Eddie is sort of a Bruce Wayne character, with a secret lair full of technologically-advanced goodies that can only be accessed through a hidden door in one of his Marshall stacks. He could even have a lazer-equipped two-man jet modelled after the original EVH "Frankenstein" ESP guitar. Michael is his ward, a Richie Rich-type character who despite his fame and fortune lacks the friendship and acceptance of a quasi-father figure. Together they fight crime and corruption in th early-to-mid-80's, against a backdrop of shredding guitars, dazzling dance choreography, and musky ballsweat.
(Remember, these movies are based on true stories. "BASED".)
Michael & Eddie: "Beat It" live, 1984 (shit quality - imagine what could be done with a little CGI!)
One question, though: What's up with this guy?
4) DAVID BOWIE AND FREDDIE MERCURY: "UNDER PRESSURE", 1981
"If you can think of two more innovative and captivating titans of the music industry, I'd like to hear 'em."
Oops. Insert foot in mouth, I guess.
Bowie has already proved his box office pull. Freddie is a rock and roll legacy just waiting to be exploited. Telling the tale of their legendary union could surpass even Brokeback Mountain in units sold, and the "homoerotic buddy/action movie" angle is an almost completely untapped market. Titling the movie Under Pressure is a bit too obvious, so I'm thinking maybe Ziggy And The 'Stache or Killer Queens. Think Flash Gordon meets Rocky or maybe even Mad Max meets Priscilla, Queen of the Desert. Bowie could even play himself. Tagline: "Two men. One song. Infinite ACTION!"
We could even use that one catchy hip-hop song on the soundtrack. What could possibly go wrong?
(PS: If anyone wants to use the above image for this morning's coloring contest, feel free.)
3) JON MIKL THOR AND THE LIFETIME CHANNEL: A FAMILY LOST, 2007
I know what you're thinking: "This is already a movie. What could we possibly add?"
That's easy. This is a movie about the relationship between a man and a movie. I'm sure all of you already know about Thor's portrayal of "Gary" in the Lifetime Network Original Movie A Family Lost, but have you ever pondered the significance of said appearance?
We're talking about masculinity INCARNATE here (Thor), teaming up with femininity INCARNATE (The Lifetime Channel). Yin and yang. Id and super-ego. This is the story of the musclebound maniac's personal relationship with "Lifetime: Television For Women", about a man coming to terms with his own feminine side while still kicking ass and taking names. What demographic would this appeal to?
Easy. We air it on Lifetime. AGAIN. "Meta" enough for you?
2) RONNIE JAMES DIO & RITCHIE BLACKMORE: THE FORMATION OF RAINBOW, 1975
BLACKMORE. DIO. It's perfect. It's The Runaways for the "beer and greasy mustache" set. It's wizards, dragons, castles, epic battles, rainbows. It's custom-van artwork and guitar virtuosos in witch hats.
Think about it. It's 1974. After achieving monumental success with Deep Purple, the band is now treading water in a stagnant pond of their own excess. Blackmore has nowhere to go, he's trapped in his own creative vortex. In strides DIO, the Bro-est of Bros, who takes Ritchie by the hand and leads him into a magical world of elves, ceramic frogs, sorcery, and swordplay. While other members of Deep Purple toil away on rock operas based on children's books, Blackmore rockets to even further heights of fame and stardom, borne aloft on the magical wings of our protagonist RJD. We title it Run With The Wolf and put Jack Black and Michael Cera in the roles of Dio and Blackmore, respectively. I mean, we all saw Year One. It's a can't-lose situation!
1) PAUL DiANNO & CLIVE BURR: "GOGMAGOG", 1985
Again, bear with me. We all know Iron Maiden already has their own movie (Flight 666), but do you want to talk about a REAL underdog story?
Then let's talk GOGMAGOG, the band that Maiden left behind. Composed of vocalist Paul DiAnno (kicked out of Maiden in '81), drummer Clive Burr (kicked out of Maiden in '82), former Spirit and future Maiden member Janick Gers, and dudes from Whitesnake and Def Leppard, Gogmagog was like a who's-who of discarded early 80's pop-metallers.
Our story begins with DiAnno and Burr, down on their luck and broke in the streets of London. As their former band soars to international success, the two buddies seem doomed to forever dwell in obscurity. Enter British rock producer Jonathan King (Jon Lovitz?), whose vision of a heavy metal supergroup/rock opera puts our two blokes back on the track to rock supremacy... But not for long.
Livin' In A Fucking Time Warp: The Gogmagog Story (check out the song!) is a tale of redemption, of dizzying highs and soul-crushing lows. DiAnno and Burr are buddies through thick and thin, from the darkest post-Maiden days to the promise and wonder of the Gogmagog rock opera. But in the end, this tale is a tragedy, as Gogmagog themselves are destroyed after recording only three songs of their epic masterpiece.
A downer? Sure. But again: BOX OFFICE GOLD.
HOLY SHIT! COBRAS IS SUCH A NICE GUY! HE TOTALLY UPLOADED THE 3-SONG GOGMAGOG EP FOR YOU! WHAT A BRO!
Any sweet film-worthy rock and roll pairings that I missed? Tell me about it in the 'Comments' section.