Tuesday, March 2, 2010


I knew 2005's robot-serial-killer-buddy-cop-drama-sci-fi-low-budget-soft-porn epic Exterminator City was a winner from the start. You know why?
Because of the Netflix rating system. If you read the writeup for this movie, you'll find five "one-star" user ratings in a row (the lowest possible), followed by one "five-star" rating (the highest). The five-star rating reads as follows:

"Best use of puppets since Jim Henson. Best robot noir film ever. Best robot gore film ever. This is probably one of the awesomest movies I've seen in the last decade, and I am not being sarcastic. Other reviews make it sound really bad, they seem to have forgotten that plausible Hollywood movies are boring and formulaic. This movie is not, it is simply amazing."

So some crackpot digs bad robot puppets and fake tits, so what? Does that mean I should actually go out and seek this film?

Absolutely. Let me explain why: The five-star rating and subsequent review were given by a Netflix user by the name of "The Goodkind", who I happen to know is also the "Goodkind" behind Lost Video Archive, the best goddamn motherfucking B-movie-themed blog in the history of the Universe ever. The Goodkind ("Seth" to his blogbros) was also "good" and "kind" enough to notify me of this film's existence (nay, importance) via email a couple of weeks ago. My gratitude knows no bounds.

The "plot" of the film is inconsequential, but runs something like this:

The year is 2027. The place is Astro City (misspelled at least once as "ATRO CITY" by the makers of the film). Two robot cops (robocops?) are hot on the tail of a robot serial killer who happens to be a robot exterminator by day (killing bugs, not robots - hence the title of the movie). But here's the "twist": Robot Serial Killer only murders naked porn stars.
Luckily, Astro City is full of 'em.
Filmed with a cast consisting entirely of poorly-constructed (but awesome-looking) robots and low-rent, washed up 1990's porn chicks (bear in mind, the movie was made in 2005), Exterminator City is the epitome of single-mindedness in film. Approximately 75 of its 80 minutes are occupied by alternating scenes of gross, botoxed vixens preening for the camera and the two robocop protagonists exchanging super-intense Dramatic Cop Dialogue. It is a recipe for utter success.
As if that weren't enough to blow any viewer's mind, the whole package is interspersed with some sort of half-realized subplot involving a robot priest, some cool hallucination sequences involving a shitload of gore and crucifixes, some fake bugs getting squished, a few bad digital "explosions", and a chase scene that appears to have been produced by a four-year-old and his Hot Wheels collection.

Exactly how much of all this is meant to be hilarious? I'm not really sure, and nor do I care. It seems that maybe the makers of City started out trying to do something "serious" but bailed out about halfway through. This becomes evident in the aforementioned Dramatic Dialogue, which is sprinkled with the terms "bitch" and "motherfucker" more and more often as the film progresses, until about an hour in -- when every conversation between the two robocops has pretty much turned into a Snoop record.
If I'm not mistaken, nary a male actor appears in Exterminator City. None are needed. The formula is blatant and obvious: Tits followed by gore followed by robots followed by tits followed gore followed by robots, etc. etc... I lost count at a dozen knifed porn starlets. But bear in mind: This is relatively "clean" soft-porn. No sex, per se, rather an unending stream of topless bimbos, each less appetizing than the last, prancing about in front of the camera for a few minutes before their inevitable (and bloody) murder.
And speaking of the gore: That, too, is relatively clean. I assume the film's director (Clive Cohen) was too embarrassed to put his porn stars in the same room with his corny, plastic robo-creations, because all of the murder scenes take place off camera. The gore is good, but it is usually shown in an "aftermath" sort of scenario (keep an eye out for the mangled, bandaged faces in the "Hospital" - EPIC).

But enough jibber jabber. Let's watch some fucking clips.

"The Swordfight":

"Cop Drama" (this dialogue is A.M.A.Z.I.N.G.):

"Robot Murder Cam".

Notice how the Serial Killer Robot channels Bender from Futurama in this one:

"Action Sequence":

If you have any doubts about the level of babe quality in this movie, check out a picture of "Mistress Rhiannon", one of the films top-billed, um... "Stars"?

SUCH A TOTAL FOX, am I right?

Long story short, Exterminator City might just be the Best Worst Movie I've ever seen. If you like shit that totally sucks, go check it out on Netflix. Then purchase several copies right here.


The Goodkind said...

Just what the world needs, another schizophrenic toaster.

Aylmer said...

Gonna have to hunt this gem down.

Viagra said...

If I could find the right words to describe this movie i would have to win some kind of prize... It's something just out of this world... and that doesn't necessarily means a good thing.