Saturday, March 6, 2010

WELCOME TO MY NIGHTMARE: I WENT TO GUY FIERI'S RESTAURANT



I have an unhealthy love/hate relationship regarding Food Network celebrity chef Guy Fieri (born Guy Ramsay Ferry, January 22, 1968). I hate him, yet I cannot stop watching him. Whenever I'm channel surfing and come across Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives (or as Guy calls it,"Triple D!") I must stop and and stare as he uses his gross, sweaty mouth to devour giant beef ribs and drippy cheese burgers all over this great land of ours. Reasons this dude suck include:
  • Wearing hot rod flame shirts.
  • Disturbing spiky bleached hair/goatee combo.
  • Backwards fucking sunglasses on his head.
The best worst thing about his are probably his catchphrases like
  • "That's money!" (when referring to a tasty ball of rancid grease.)
  • "Winner winner chicken dinner!"
Well imagine my excitement when I happen to pass by Guy's own restaurant "Tex Wasabi's" located in trashy Sacramento, CA. Oy vay this place advertises itself as a... well just see for yourself:


At last!!! Finally!!! Sushi and BBQ together! Like peanut butter and jelly, Like Dolly Parton and Burt Reynolds. Sushi and bbq are a match made in asshole Heaven. And in a rock-n-roll setting?! Well slap a pink waitress outfit on me and call me Alice. I was ready to enter culinary bliss.

As I walked to the door I noticed a glass case on the outside wall. Upon closer inspection I realized it was a whole bunch of pictures of Guy singing in his old band. He's a musician too?! Who knew this master chef could boogie woogie with the best of them!? Truly a jack of all trades. My fave pic was of him totally rocking out in a TUXEDO SHIRT! All this fun and I wasn't even inside yet.



I actually have to say the inside of Tex Wasabi's was pretty kick ass. A completely tasteless mish-mosh of cheap Asian influenced knick-knacks bought at the local Cost Plus World Market, interspersed with random cowboy hats, whips, horsey saddles and chaps n' shit. Kind of like P.F. Chang's meets The S.F. Eagle. There were TV's EVERYWHERE broadcasting various episodes of Guy's many highly rated Food Network shows, except one HUGE TV in the middle of the room that had Rush Hour 2 on a loop. Blasting on the radio? Well the soulful blues styling of Stevie Ray Vaughn of course! The waitresses were all very helpful and sweet and all looked like they were on some sort of rockabilly roller-derby team, if you know what I mean.


I was truly inspired to "Jack it up!" and "Live life to the limit" when I read the very personal message Guy wrote on the back of the menu:


I was also totally undecided when I was reading the vaguely racist menu over what to order. Everything just sounded so yummers!

"I'll have the Ching Chong... ooops I mean the Ding Dong roll please!"

I asked my lovely waitress to just bring me whatever the most popular dish was and she brought me, and I'm seriously about to barf just thinking about it, a roll of sushi called The Screaming Gobbler described as such:

Roasted turkey, jalapenos, pepper jack, avocados, green onions, mayonnaise and sriracha mayonnaise wrapped in sushi rice and tapioca paper. First you’ll gobble, then you’ll scream.

Rice and roasted turkey huh? Well who am I to judge? I was open to anything. Well my roll came and this is what it looked like.

It tasted just like it looks. I ate one piece, downed my $9 Red Dawn (described as Vodka, peach schnapps, midori, Rockstar and finished with a splash of orange juice and grenadine. Sure to get your motor started), failed at not vomiting in the parking lot and drove off as fast as a door to door salesman leaving The Munsters' house. Now I'm blogging about it.


Overall rating: Not cool ,bro. Not cool.

Also, what does this mean?

Above: Celebrity chef bro Guy Fieri and Smash Mouth guy.

Hmmmm...

12 comments:

Crankenstien said...

he's so fucking irritating and infectious you called it.

Camellia sinensis said...

You just gave me an idea: BBQ bacon cheeseburger sushi rolls...on a stick. Ready the food carts, I smell a franchise.

The only thing more annoying than food fusion with that guy is that other food network alum, Andrew Zimmerman. A close up of his fat, sweaty face devouring gross food from around the world will make my stomach turn every time.

Expadstr said...

Thanks for taking that bullet for the rest of us, brah!

Anonymous said...

Wow. I mean, you told me personally about all this but this just takes the freakin' cake. I guess that'll learn you huh? I want a Ching Chong roll!!!
-Melanie

Cory said...

Guy Fieri Drinking Game

1 drink if Guy’s sunglasses are on the back of his neck.
1 drink if Guy’s wearing flip-flops in a restaurant kitchen on DDD.
1 drink whenever Guy says, “look at those bad boys.”
1 drink every time Guy is “on the bus to flavor town.”
2 drinks if Guy claps his hands and points at the camera.
Finish your drink whenever Guy uses rhyming nonsense words (eg. “This sandwich is slamma-jamma!”).
1 drink if Guy’s wearing a black sweatband. 2 drinks if it looks dirty or unwashed.
1 drink if Guy is wearing a tacky bowling shirt. 2 drinks if it has flames drawn on it.

Erik Del Tigre said...

Goddamn it Cory, I totally lost it when I read that drinking game. Check out this shit: Four drinks in one picture!

Anonymous said...

So it's Sunday morning and I'm flipping on the boob tube. On Discovery Health Channel there's a show called Paralyzed and Pregnant with Twins, which begs the question, who fucked the paralyzed broad? 10$ says Guy Fieri. His O face is the same as his just bit into some deep fried local cuisine face. Definitely a racist too.

Mister Booze said...

Beautiful. Lookout for McDonalds sushi soon. Cooked bits of fish and processed cheese wrapped in rice and drizzled in high fructose corn syrup.

Shelby Cobras said...

Dood. I totally went to Fieri's OTHER restaurant, up in "Wine Country". Get this: It's called "Johnny Garlic's". I don't want this comment section to turn into Yelp, but let me just say -- It was fucking awful. Like a Hooters crossed with a Marie Callendar's. Yeesh.

Have you seen that movie Idiocracy, where the stupid have inherited the Earth? Worst case scenario, in the year 2200, we're all eating at Fieri-owned restaurants with names that equal "[folksy first name] + [aromatic vegetable]'s". I fucking hate that guy, did you see that he's hosting a new game show on NBC?

Todd said...

That Fieri/Smash Mouth thing is too good because they are basically the same cultural phenomenon.

cheapest viagra said...

Thanks mate... just dropped by. Will look for BIKE STN when we get to Seattle. Still in Buenos Airies.

Pmurph said...

Wow, some real losers commenting here. Guy is a man that loves food and loves reviewing for for the enjoyment of his fans and to make a living..

He made a f*ckin restaurant to pursue his dream and you're hating on him for that? What's the matter with you?

I appreciate Guy; he's easy going, has some decent jokes, and makes me hungry when I'm stoned.

All of you have sh*t negative attitudes toward a guy who's successful and loves doing what he does, now that's determination. Meanwhile you're at your office job 9-5 trying to write an article before your 10pm bed time so that u aren't late for your meaningless job.

At least guy can say positive things about everyone he meets and exposes good restaurants regardless of their nutritional value.

And who cares about his apparel? That's his style, yeah it's a little goofy but to discriminate a man over appearance is a little pathetic. I hope guy reads this and walks into your doors and judges you.. Wait actually, guy would most likely understand and thank you for the criticism, that's the kind of dude he is.