WELCOME TO MY NIGHTMARE: I WENT TO GUY FIERI'S RESTAURANT

I have an unhealthy love/hate relationship regarding Food Network celebrity chef Guy Fieri (born Guy Ramsay Ferry, January 22, 1968). I hate him, yet I cannot stop watching him. Whenever I'm channel surfing and come across Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives (or as Guy calls it,"Triple D!") I must stop and and stare as he uses his gross, sweaty mouth to devour giant beef ribs and drippy cheese burgers all over this great land of ours. Reasons this dude suck include:

• Wearing hot rod flame shirts.
• Disturbing spiky bleached hair/goatee combo.
• Backwards fucking sunglasses on his head.

The best worst thing about his are probably his catchphrases like

• "That's money!" (when referring to a tasty ball of rancid grease.)
  
• "Winner winner chicken dinner!"

Well imagine my excitement when I happen to pass by Guy's own restaurant "Tex Wasabi's" located in trashy Sacramento, CA. Oy vay this place advertises itself as a... well just see for yourself:


At last!!! Finally!!! Sushi and BBQ together! Like peanut butter and jelly, Like Dolly Parton and Burt Reynolds. Sushi and bbq are a match made in asshole Heaven. And in a rock-n-roll setting?! Well slap a pink waitress outfit on me and call me Alice. I was ready to enter culinary bliss.

As I walked to the door I noticed a glass case on the outside wall. Upon closer inspection I realized it was a whole bunch of pictures of Guy singing in his old band. He's a musician too?! Who knew this master chef could boogie woogie with the best of them!? Truly a jack of all trades. My fave pic was of him totally rocking out in a TUXEDO SHIRT! All this fun and I wasn't even inside yet.



I actually have to say the inside of Tex Wasabi's was pretty kick ass. A completely tasteless mish-mosh of cheap Asian influenced knick-knacks bought at the local Cost Plus World Market, interspersed with random cowboy hats, whips, horsey saddles and chaps n' shit. Kind of like P.F. Chang's meets The S.F. Eagle. There were TV's EVERYWHERE broadcasting various episodes of Guy's many highly rated Food Network shows, except one HUGE TV in the middle of the room that had Rush Hour 2 on a loop. Blasting on the radio? Well the soulful blues styling of Stevie Ray Vaughn of course! The waitresses were all very helpful and sweet and all looked like they were on some sort of rockabilly roller-derby team, if you know what I mean.


I was truly inspired to "Jack it up!" and "Live life to the limit" when I read the very personal message Guy wrote on the back of the menu:


I was also totally undecided when I was reading the vaguely racist menu over what to order. Everything just sounded so yummers!

"I'll have the Ching Chong... ooops I mean the Ding Dong roll please!"

I asked my lovely waitress to just bring me whatever the most popular dish was and she brought me, and I'm seriously about to barf just thinking about it, a roll of sushi called The Screaming Gobbler described as such:

Roasted turkey, jalapenos, pepper jack, avocados, green onions, mayonnaise and sriracha mayonnaise wrapped in sushi rice and tapioca paper. First you’ll gobble, then you’ll scream.

Rice and roasted turkey huh? Well who am I to judge? I was open to anything. Well my roll came and this is what it looked like.

It tasted just like it looks. I ate one piece, downed my $9 Red Dawn (described as Vodka, peach schnapps, midori, Rockstar and finished with a splash of orange juice and grenadine. Sure to get your motor started), failed at not vomiting in the parking lot and drove off as fast as a door to door salesman leaving The Munsters' house. Now I'm blogging about it.

Overall rating: Not cool ,bro. Not cool.

Also, what does this mean?

Above: Celebrity chef bro Guy Fieri and Smash Mouth guy.

Hmmmm...