Friday, June 19, 2009


Question: What do you get when the neon-soaked, consumerist imagery of the 80's has unprotected sex with the slick, spandex-and-Oakley clad sterility of the 90's?

Answer: DEMOLITION MAN, the greatest Stallone/Snipes/Bullock star vehicle EVER!

Part "future-of-the-90's" feast for the senses, part Good Guy vs. Bad Guy brawler, and part uncomfortable romantic comedy between two actors you'd NEVER want to see naked, Demolition Man took the world by storm all the way back in 1993.
In the distant future (1996, actually), criminals are cryogenically frozen for their crimes, rather than imprisoned. Simon Phoenix (Snipes) is one of the worst, and his cryogenic sentence is exactly ETERNITY. John Spartan (Stallone) is an ass-kicking cop (nicknamed "Demolition Man") who helps put Phoenix away, but after being unjustly accused for civilian deaths, Spartan himself is frozen as well. Bogus.

The trailer:

But this is where it gets crazy...
The year is now 2032, and due to a malfunction at the CryoCon facilities, Phoenix is once again on the loose. What to do? Well, in the words of John Spartan: "Send a maniac to catch a maniac."
So Stallone gets thawed out too, and soon finds himself trying to adjust to the wacky world of 2032. You see, in the future, everything "bad" (sex, smoking, cussing, etc.) is against the law, and rules are enforced by robo-cops (not the good kind). The "Franchise Wars" between Taco Bell and Pizza Hut have ended, with the victor, Taco Bell, ruling over society's dietary habits with an iron fist (this HAS to be the strangest form of product placement since Mac And Me). Arnold Schwarzeneggar is an ex-President (how ludicrous!) and Sandra Bullock is a cop. Oh, and cops don't carry guns.
The rest of the film plays out pretty much as would be expected. Lots of explosions, a bunch of creepy, unnecessary sexual tension between Sly and Bullock, plenty of "whoa, the future is crazy!" moments, and, of course, PRODUCT PLACEMENT PRODUCT PLACEMENT PRODUCT PLACEMENT (Maybe you think it's odd that someone with a corporate sponsorship from Late Nite Doritos would call attention to such details. But to that, I must say one thing: LATE NITE DORITOS ARE DELICIOUS!).


Despite a lackluster response from both critics and the public, Demolition Man got its own Sega Genesis game, pinball machine, and line of agtion figures (above, above, and above). This flashy, thrill-a-minute sci-fi comedy was custom-made for all sorts of product tie-ins, but unfortunately audiences found it forgettable, leaving any chance of a Demolition Man 2 in a state of SUSPENDED ANIMATION (Zing!).

Watch Stallone wake up... IN THE FUTURE!

All in all, an excellent flick for people who like stupid, shallow, pretty movies with big explosions and corny jokes. Illogical Contraption sez: A+!

Below: Is it just me, or does Wesley Snipes bear more than a passing resemblance to Grace Jones?

Watch the first 7 minutes, then go get it on Netflix!

One reviewer, all thew way back in 1993, put it this way:
"In the end, that's all this film is: flames, flying bullets, and special effects. It could be worse, I suppose, but as long as people go into this film with their eyes open, there shouldn't be any surprises. And if there's one lasting question to carry away from Demolition Man, it's how Arnold Schwarzenegger could become President of the United States, sixty-first amendment notwithstanding."

HA! Wrong on BOTH counts, asshole!

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