Monday, June 15, 2009


Consider the following two videos, bearing in mind their implications regarding the general laziness of the American people:

Sorry about that. But think about it...

1) There are many, MANY offensive elements to this Attack Attack! video. But what REALLY gets me is the laziness. The "chunk chunk chunka chunka chunk chunk" open-E riffing, the fact that they all just dress in the same black shirt and pants, the singer's gut, the "harmonic" vocals that are just whined and then Auto-tuned to oblivion... Attack Attack! might possibly be the LAZIEST band in history. But the kids love 'em. As a result, we can deduce that THE KIDS are lazy, too.
Did you make it to the 2:46 point in the video? Probably not, but let me "break it down" for you (pun intended). At 2:46, the song just dissolves into some sort of Casio preset techno garbage, as if the band just loses interest and lets the keyboard finish the song for them. They don't care. They just want to get back to styling their hair, or eating fast food, or whatever it is lazy So-Cal Myspace kids do these days. Ugh. I feel sick.

2) Okay, okay. I realize that BOTH of these videos were posted on MetalSucks last week. But I'M LAZY TOO. That's part of the point. We'll get to that later.
The "Comfort Wipe" is yet another symptom of a society suffocating on it's own ambivalence. Have we grown so lazy that we can't even be bothered to reach down to our OWN ASSHOLES anymore? Or have we grown SO OBESE that it's no longer even a possibilty? Probably a little of both.

Left: A lazy, lazy attempt at constructing a proper Optimus Prime costume.

I bring all of this to the reader's attention as a preface to my third and final PRE-DOOMSDAY PREDICTION. My prediction (which I prefer to think of as "an absurd nimbus of ectoplasm emanating from some clairvoyant ninny", to quote Frank Belknap Long in his short story "The Space Eaters") is as follows: Due to general laziness,


It's true. Beginning development by early next year, this software (let's call it Blogotron 2000) will write your blogs FOR YOU, functioning on a minimal amount of input and ideas. Much like the team of ghost-writers that publish novels under the name "Stephen King" (it's true), Blogotron 2000 will pump out the inane drivel just as quickly and effectively as any blogger in the biz.
Illogical Contraption (as written by the robotic program) will work something like this: Hooked up to a vast database of heavy metal albums and bad horror movies, Blogotron 2000 will knock out 2(ish) posts a day, alternately describing different forms of media with a small roster of descriptive words, among them "awesome", "sweet", "ass-kicking", and "brutal". NO ONE will notice a difference. No one, of course, except those of you who read today's post.
Congratulations, you guys. Welcome to the inner circle.

Below: Shelby Cobras, pictured sometime in mid-2011, finally gives up his I.C. 'admin' priviledges to Blogotron 2000. He then eats an entire pizza and falls asleep sitting up.


Anonymous said...

Comfortwipe? I gotta teeter on the front of the seat to wipe in the approved front to back method or I'm banging the stick off of the tank. If the angle is off then I have this phallic contraption sliding betwixt my butt cheeks like gay porn foreplay. Sweet, sweet gay porn with a quilted head. I guarantee some retard is going to the E.R. with two inches of handle hanging out of his asshole. God forbid I have company and forget to hide this thing. Old Bob has an 18" shit encrusted dildo next to the toilet! This is the true "Illogical Contraption".

Tamara said...

CALL THE NUMBER!!!!!!!!!!!!

meloniousdrunk said...

I get it. I get it.

chrisc said...

a piece on the 'team of ghost writers' that write Steven King novels would be absolutely great.please work on that.

Shelby Cobras said...

Absolutely. I'm already all over it, although I've become a little preoccupied researching the Zeuhl and Rock In Oppostion movements of the 1970's. Keep eyes peeled for posts on both topics soon.