Tuesday, June 2, 2009


We are all aware of the impending doom that will be wrought upon the human race on December 21, 2012. The signs are all around us, predicted by the Bible, the Mayans, Nostradamus, and countless others. There really ain't much we can do, except sit back, relax, and enjoy the show.
As a service to the readers of this blog, I've decided to run this three-part series, sharing some of my uncanny predictions for the coming year. I have no doubt at all that these predictions will come to fruition, and soon. At the risk of spending a little too much time slagging on shitty metal bands in recent days, I've decided to dedicate this first post to a music-related topic, a prediction about a musical trend that is a sure sign of the coming Apocalypse.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the biggest trend in metal, circa early 2010:


We've all witnessed the disturbing twists and turns metal has taken in recent times, from the developments in Wigger Slam documented by the good people at Metal Inquisition to the rise of Christian screamo-core (did I ever mention that my own cousin played in one of these bands?) to the thrash metal revival/re-enactment. As subgenres merge with subgenres, we must ask ourselves: "What could POSSIBLY come next?".
The answer, of course, is Tigger Slam. We've seen the disturbing trends in "heavy metal" merchandising (see examples, below), as "br00tal" bands attempt to extend their appeal to younger and more gullible audiences. Metal T-shirts, once adorned with skulls, blood, Hell, and gore, have become decidedly tamer of late, depicting sheep, teddy bears, Hello Kitty, and worse. But what does this mean concerning the actual music?

The answer is obvious. As death metal and its childish offshoots spread to younger consumers via Hot Topic and Rockabilia.com, Tigger Slam will represent the final wave: Extreme metal for toddlers. I can say, with a great degree of certainty, that we will see several instances of Tigger Slam marketing within the next couple months, followed by a full-on musical genre by mid-2010.
What innovations will the Tigger Slam movement bring? Although it's impossible to be entirely specific at this point, speculation is already in full swing. Will sequel-happy Metallica release a genre-defining "Yellow" album, rife with odes to the Teletubbies and Pooh Bear? Will Osh B'Gosh-clad DM bands with names like Inversion of Eeyore or Heffalump surface, releasing brutal, nursery-rhyme-based albums aimed at a 3-year-old fan base? Perhaps The Wiggles will release a black metal album, complete with guest appearances by the newly-freed Varg Vikernes and members of Atreyu. Stranger things have happened, my friends, stranger things have happened.
Whatever the form that Tigger Slam arrives in, rest assured that Illogical Contraption will keep you abreast of the situation, documenting developments as they occur. Make no mistake: Tigger Slam is coming. And it is the future of metal, whether you like it or not.

Behold two cutting edge videos, vaguely predicting next year's Tigger Slam movement:

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