Wednesday, June 10, 2009

ALICE'S RESTAURANT

Okay, show of hands: How many of you guys have ever been to Phoenix, Arizona?
One... Two... Three of you. Cool.
For the rest of you, I can sum up Phoenix thusly: It's like L.A., except hotter, shittier, and less interesting.
Got that?
But lucky for the weary, sun-stroked traveller, there is an oasis of awesomeness nestled in the heart of Phoenix, a beacon of hope and heavy metal in a sea of strip malls and beige buildings.


I speak, of course, of the Cooperstown Sports Bar and Grill, owned and operated by golf-loving Republican and Metal Maniac Alice Cooper. When he's not giving guided tours to Ted Nugent, Anthony Bourdain, and Guy Fieri (who owns not one but TWO sweet restaurant chains of his own, Johnny Garlic's and Tex Wasabi's), Alice spends his time hand-crafting an eclectic and diverse menu, one built to appeal to both aging, right-wing rockers and young, hip fans of Slipknot, Brokencyde, and Attack! Attack!.
Through the wonders of the internet (and also the courtesy of Illogical Bro Cory) I've managed to get my hands on a copy of the Cooperstown starter menu, which can be found below (click image for full size). Alice has obviously put alot of time into putting together this menu, which memorializes fallen rock heroes while still giving a knowing nod to the musical (and culinary) trends of modern times. In the following post you will find a quick breakdown of just a few of Cooperstown's famous "Snacks & Starters", with short explanations of exactly who or what inspired them.


Nothing says "gourmet fine dining experience" like a bucket of Fritos slathered with Alice's own "Nightmare Chili". Take my advice and skip the fork and spoon on this one. The Frito Bandito must be ingested by hand, rapidly, to be properly enjoyed. Bon appetit!



Time out for fun!
The perfect companion to a robotic 80's synth-pop freakout, Devo's Big City Burger Sliders go down smooth, just like the music that inspired them. But remember, in the words of Devo themselves: "Hold the pickles / Hold the lettuce / Special orders don't upset us!" (The Sliders don't actually come with lettuce, but yeah, skip the pickles -- they're gross).
One more thing, Alice. Shouldn't the Devo Sliders come in sets of FIVE (Ha ha!)?


Showing that his finger is never far from the pulse of pop culture, Alice also offers a delicious Veggie Sandwich, named after contemporary pop icon Vanna White. Because you can't spell "Vegetarian Fun For White People" without "V-A-N-N-A W-H-I-T-E"! Really, you can't. I tried.


What's the first thing that comes to mind when you think about pop diva Pink? Pork sausage, of course! BITE SIZE pork sausage, to be exact. I like that Mr. Cooper equates phallic meat products with young(ish) female bubblegum singers. Sly like a fox, he is!



Remember that one episode of Seinfeld, when the gang stops going to Monk's Cafe for some reason and Elaine gets frustrated that she can't get a "big salad" anywhere else? Good news! So does Alice Cooper!
The "grand slam" of the "Field of Greens" side menu, the "Elaine Benes Big Salad" comes with your choice of 1000 Island, Ranch, Bleu Cheese, Honey Mustard, Olde World Italian, Balsamic Vinaigrette, or "Fat Free" Raspberry Vinaigrette. Yes, "Fat Free" is written with the "quotation marks" around it on the menu. Hmmm....


What better way to honor the memory of a deceased musical genius than to name a plate of vegetables after him, deep fried to a golden brown? I'm not sure if Alice had to contact the estate of Mr. Zappa before he named this one, but needless to say they must be THRILLED! Oh, and don't call 'em "zucchini". They're "Zukes"! Hipness embodied! Alice's competition can surely "eat (his) shorts"!


Another tribute to a fallen hero, the "Bruce Lee Chicken Salad" is a great way to say "Origato" to our "shranty-eyed" friends from the Far East. A slightly Americanized version of traditional Chinese fare, the Bruce Lee shouts "Hey! Roundeye! Bwing me more dwessing! I'm just a rittle guy but this thing is HEEEWGE!"
Well played, Alice. Well played.



Your search for the Bush Administration's fabled "WMDs" ends here -- with a virtual Firestorm of Flavor!
This one actually works on two levels: Not only will these super-spicy wings cause a nuclear holocaust on your O-ring, but the very name itself is a perfect reflection of Mr. Cooper's conservative values! Awesome!

But let us not forget the most important part of your meal at Cooperstown, which is the caution that must be excercised when consuming their meat products. Lucky for us, Alice has taken this hazard into account, and calls our attention to it with a prominently-displayed disclaimer on the first page of the menu:


So next time you're in Phoenix (God forbid), don't forget to pay a visit to Cooperstown! And say hello to Alice for me. He hasn't been returning my emails.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

I wouldn't touch Pink's Hot Links with a 10 foot pole. When was the last time you saw spicy sausage with acne covered in 4 pounds of chalky makeup? Alice is in touch with the modern world. "I'll take the Mozart deep fried catfish, a side of Hank Williams Sr. slaw, and a large Benny Goodman Orchestra iced tea."

jaginguene said...

I was in Phoenix a few times... Last time I got real drunk and woke up in a garage, on the floor. Neeldess to say I don't remember much from that night. Thanks to another of your well researched articles I have one more reason to avoid this town. Cheers!

Steven said...

I listened to the 'Welcome to my Nightmare' album last night. Weird.

Shelby Cobras said...

As I sweat and toil in this dank warehouse, struggling to appease my superiors, my peers, and my underlings, the same three words, accompanied by the ticking of a clock, reverberate through my head:

"bodies... need... rest...
bodies... need... rest..."