Tuesday, June 9, 2009

TAINTED WINDOWS: THE FACTS


Above: Tainted Windows, Left to right -- Billy Corgan, Robin Zander, Beck Hansen, Wayne Fountain.

Sorry, guys, but I blew it.
In yesterday's post about "supergroups" and the Apocalypse, I mistakenly reported that "Tainted Windows", an all-star pop group featuring members of Smashing Pumpkins, Hansen, Cheap Trick, and Mountains of Wayne, had not in fact released an album yet. But thanks to the astute observations of an anonymous reader, I now stand humbly corrected. Painted Windows released an album, entitled Jackin' The Weenis, OVER A MONTH AGO, which somehow managed to elude my detection. In no less than three comments on said post, this anonymous reader gently nudged me in the direction of factual accuracy, as a service to both myself and the readers of this blog. Samples from his comments are reprinted below:

"If you don't care about them, why would you take the time to write about them, and even post pictures of them? Or if you're going to write about them, wouldn't it make sense to find out a bit about them first so that you don't make really stupid gaffes and come off as being unintentionally humorous?
Is there a link between this being a metal blog, and the pride you display in your ignorance?" And also...
"...flaming here is too much like shooting fish in a barrel. So just go on congratulating yourselves on your successful display of ignorance. Yes, it DOES make you look JUST as cool as you think it does. The rest of us rilly rilly rilly respect you for how much you don't know, for the pride you take in how little you know, and for not letting that ignorance get in your way of having a lot to say anyway."


Right: Tainted Windows bassist Billy Corgan, pictured with his girlfriend Mickey Rourke.

Wow. I've obviously been called out, and I apologize for my negligence.
I will admit that the only information I gathered about Tainted Windows was from two articles that popped up from Googling "shitty supergroup", both of which were published AFTER their appearance at SXSW but BEFORE the release of Jackin' The Weenis. I did not research the storied career of this band nearly as well as I should have, which I regret deeply. Fact-based and completely non-humorous posts, such as the one I wrote yesterday, have no room for such a flagrant disregard of factual accuracy.
As penance for my ignorance, I've spent several hours researching this amazing band, and now present you with a list of fascinating facts about Tainted Windows, concerning both its members and the band itself.

-Tainted Windows was actually first formed in 1997, when drummer Billy Corgan met vocalist Jeff Beck Hansen at a Scientology retreat in the Swiss Alps. They recorded a 3-song EP, Tits Up, the following year, before enlisting Wayne Coyne from Mountains of Wayne to play guitar and Rick Zander from Cheap Trick to play bass.
-Drummer Wayne Campbell dated Billy Corgan's sister, D'Arcy Corgan, for a brief period in the early 80's.
-Tainted Windows was nominated for Best Metal Performance at the Grammys in 1986, but lost to Jethro Tull.
-In 2003, temporary bassist Cliff Halliburton was killed in a tour bus accident in Sweden. Painted Windows responded by recording a tribute album, entitled Pastor of Muppets, the next year.
-Guitarist James Aha (from 80's synth-pop band A-Ha) caused a stir by being the first MAN to appear nude in Playboy (March, 2004). In his pictorial debut, he was clad in only a feather boa and a pair of Uggs.
-Tainted Windows was brought before the Supreme Court last month, on charges that their new record contained backward-masked messages attempting to convert their fans to Scientology. All charges were dropped when it was revealed that these hidden messages were just samples from the film Battlefield Earth (starring John Travolta), and contained no Scientologist messages whatsoever.
-Bassist Michael Anthony quit Tainted Windows just last week, and was replaced by a shape-shifting lizard named Xaxxnar from the planet Nebulon-6.

I hope that this post has served to mend any bonds I may have unintentionally broken with my readership, and I will do my best to protect their fragile emotions in the future. Again, I'm REALLY, REALLY sorry.

Enjoy a clip of Tainted Windows IN ACTION:

12 comments:

Erik Del Tigre said...

Shit just got real.

Nephew of Sam said...

While I appreciate what you're trying to do with this blog, I have to side with Anonymous on this one. Judging from the lack of comments on previous posts, your readership isn't quite what you think it is. Maybe if you put a little more time into your writing and research, and a little less time into bullying your readers, people would be more likely to check out Illogical Contraption.

And that Tinted Windows album really isn't that bad.

Shelby Cobras said...

Touche, sir. Touche.

Steven said...

Don't listen to the Unwashed Masses, I never woulda known about Bun E. Carlos' underwhelming new project without IllCon's dedicated research team.

Erik Del Tigre said...

The readership of this blog is approximately six people, including the writers. Let's not confuse arrogance with ignorance.

Anonymous said...

yo that second poster nehpew of sam is that same dude anonymous from before. no fuckin question. sup poser?
-chuck

Mister Booze said...

Oh my God...what the fuck is going on here? Apologize? No way. A shitty supergroup is a shitty supergroup. The fact that their shitty release flew under the radar says enough. I mean really, who are these jackoffs? I'll bet Nephew of Sam plays drums in this band or something.

Don't apologize, make fun of them for sucking!

chris said...

haha taint

Anonymous said...

Jackin' the Weenis indeed. Iha and Carlos should not be proud of this effort.

Nephew of Sam said...

First, @ chuck: Sorry, but you're wrong. I'm definitely NOT 'Mr. Anonymous' from Monday, but I DO share his views on this poorly-written blog and it's easily-entertained readers.
And learn how to spell NEPHEW.

Second, @ Mister Booze: Funny you should say that. While I DON'T play drums for Tinted Windows, I DO in fact play drums for a VERY well-known band (better known than Tinted Windows, at least). I'll refrain from telling you vultures which band, for fear that you might shit your little bloggie-pants out of excitement.

Shelby Cobras said...

Welcome back, Nephew. We missed you.

huggy said...

Nephew of Sam - just because people don't leave comments doesn't mean they don't read it. This blog is one of my fav. and i visit regularly its just that i don't comment to each and every post.