Thursday, May 13, 2010

Knuckle Tattoos – vanity plates for your hands

A friend of mine was on tour in Germany in the mid 90’s when she got hammered and decided to get the knuckle tattoo that she’s always wanted, an homage to her favorite food:


She woke up the next day, still hammered, and found her hands wrapped in bandages. “Oh” she though. “I must have gotten CORN DOGS last night. Sweet.” The party continued and later that day when she unwrapped the bandages she found the following knuckle tattoo where CORN DOGS was meant to be:


Wow. First off. CORN DOGS? What a rad fucking chick. Second, FIST FUCK??? Who did that to her? That guy deserves never ending high fives for life for the best tattoo prank of all time. Now this chick is 40, has a 5 year old daughter, and shows up to PTA meetings with FIST FUCK tattooed on her knuckles. Sometimes, life is a pretty sweet fruit.

If you’re considering knuckle tattoos, you first have to choose which format is best for your hands.

Are you going single hand:

Double fist:

Interlocking vertical:

8 letter word:

And finally, the very rare, too much rock for one hand:

But the rules are flexible. If your message doesnt fit, fuck it. It's just a tattoo on your hands.

Just add an extra letter:

Or an exclamation point:

Or if you’re creative enough, you can fit what should have been 12 characters into the space for 8.

There are just too many good ones. You could do VANHALEN, STAR WARS, WELL HUNG, BLINK182, BUTT RAPE and all kinds of things that would put the breaks on you getting laid ever again. Wait. NEVR LAID. That would be perfect. You could even put the name of your favorite author on a baby.

Who would tattoo a baby?

This guy was standing in aisle ten when it hit him:

This ones actually awesome if the dude is capable of delivering:

Chicks like this are the only reason I haven’t moved to Portland already:

This dude submitted his own explanation to the website, “I like to skate and I’m Pilipino”. No joke.

Another explanation, "I'm OCD and fuck you".

This chick looks like the 40 year old version of the chicks I would bone in college. I bet her daughter rebelled by being a bookish hipster who dresses like an old lady.


“You know PACK has four lett…” “FUCK YOU! WOLF PAK!”

WHIPPED also has 7 letters

The best part about this one is that if you only see one hand you’re going to think a chick who looks like this has a tattoo that says FOOD.

This tattoo is in no way necessary. Look in the fucking mirror lady, why would anyone doubt your ability to rock?

“My hands say TRUE LOVE, but my face says SHIT HERE.”

Knuckles tattoos are like an 8 character tweet that you will post 100 times a day for the rest of your life. You better make it good. What do your knuckle tattoos say? What would yours say if you weren’t such a huge inkless puss?

Special thanks to


Helm said...

The humour of all this was increasingly overshadowed by mounting desapair on the status of humanity, as usual, good job.

When exactly did extravagant tattoos (especially stuff like sleves) go from symbols of outlaws/bored-ass locked-up criminals/people in gangs to hipster attire?

Anonymous said...


Shelby Cobras said...


(dash on right pointy finger, exclamation point on left pinkie)

SEANFORD said...

but shelbly, GODSMACK would fit perfectly.

Manslaughter said...


Erik Del Tigre said...

I've been trying to think of a funnier knuckle tattoo than "WOLF PAK" and I can't do it. That is some next level shit.

Shelby, yours should be "BLOG LIFE"

And I'm getting "LOL, BRB!"

Shelby Cobras said...

I don't know if you were referencing this or not, but dude from this shitty band (they're called A Day To Remember, LOL) has "BLINK182" tatted on his knucks.

Another good knuckle tattoo would be "KNUC KLES".

PS: It would be an especially good tattoo if your nickname was "Knuckles".

RyGar said...

Did no one else notice that "Your Next" was misspelled? Otherwise, if it is intentional, it demands some sort of explanation. My next what? Mechanic? I did see a pretty neat "DEAD BY DAWN" knuckle tat, but I couldn't dig up an image of it.
And, Helm, I've been wondering that same thing. Most of the sleeves I've seen in the last ten years are strictly filler. Koi fish, water, lotus flowers... cookie cutter flash stuff with no personal inflection. Also, jokey and/or ironic tattoos are fucking stupid. How many jokes do you know that will last a fucking lifetime? I've seen a couple exceptions, but, still, that's just me looking at them once and having a chuckle.
One of the best Toy Machine graphics:

DYSTOPIA fits nicely.

Anonymous said...

Why is the standard lettering template for a knuckle tattoo: red upper half, black lower half?

Aylmer said...


and one that I actually like:


Charles T Heckler said...

"Your Next" is hard to argue with. He's not gonna beat your ass, he's gonna fuck it!

Charles T Heckler said...

also, I have "DUMB FUCK" trademarked... on my fists!

SEANFORD said...

i think manslaughter agreed to get CLIT WOLF if i got COCK MEAT. which im sure would score me some:


Manslaughter said...

Hell yeah it would Sean. I, on the other hand, would just score chicks with Looney Tunes shirts from Jersey.

seAoxen said...

I think it's YOUR NEXT appointment with your dentist

Anonymous said...

The guy with "your next" is going to feel like an idiot when he finds out that he's got the wrong form of "you're" tattooed on his hands permanently. Just because you're illiterate doesn't mean everyone looking at your hands is...