Monday, December 21, 2009


I have decided to start a band. At first I was going to start a black metal band, but black metal is for pussies. So I decided to INVERT the idea of black metal, much like black metal INVERTS the concepts of Christianity, rock and roll, and society in general.
Since Immortal is without a doubt the blackest and most grim black metal band, we will be the opposite of everything Immortal. Hence our name, LATROMMI (see logo, above).
Immortal paints their skin white, with jet black hair and black paint around the eyes and mouth. LATROMMI thinks such ornamention is foolish. LATROMMI paints their skin black, with bleached white hair and white paint around the eyes (above, right). We will adorn ourselves with clean white clothing, white leather, and rightside-up crosses. We will perform cover songs of the band Immortal... BACKWARDS!!!

Take THAT, you pussies.

Demonaz from Immortal used to live in drummer Abbath's parents' basement. I call false metal on such foolishness (or perhaps TRUE METAL). I will live in my drummer's parents' ATTIC, where I will read the Bible by the warming glow of an electric light bulb (NOT candlelight!). The scene will be very un-kult and wholesome.
I'm not sure where we're going to practice yet, but it will have to be somewhere in the South, where it is warm and sunny all the time. Our inverted Winterdemons will be Summerangels, who will negotiate peace with our foes rather than waging war.

We briefly toyed with the idea of committing suicide, because being "mortal" is also the opposite of being "Immortal". Unfortunately, killing yourself is very black metal as well. So the suicide thing was a no-go.

Since Immortal released their first album in 1991, we will release our first album in the inversion of 1991, which is also 1991.

Our back catalog will be full of popular and easily-accessible albums, such as Daughters of Southern Lightness, Blessed In White, and the five-way split record False Paupers of Norway.
LATROMMI's releases will be easily identifiable by their colorful cover art, extensive liner notes, and lack of band photos. We will NEVER put a picture of the band on the front cover of an album. That sort of thing is for pussies.

Since black metallers are so fond of burning down churches, LATROMMI will sign up to be volunteer firemen. Pussies.

Lastly, you should all keep an eye out for our new record, All Shall Succeed.

It will be most False and Ungrim.


The Goodkind said...

You could call the new microgenre "Blackface Metal"

Patrick bruss said...

This is one of the funniest posts I've seen in a long time. Fucking hilarious!

Shelby Cobras said...

Thanks Patrick. As I mentioned before, Crypticus fucking rules! Welcome.

Andy Muthafukkkin Bonney said...

I think you have to add X's to everything, which is most un-Immortal. I'm thinking

Shelby Cobras said...

One more thing that I forgot: LATROMMI's favorite button on the microwave is "DEFROST".

ELISE said...

What would you do instead of croaky frog vocals?

Shelby Cobras said...

Is it too much of a stretch to say that a prince is the opposite of a frog? Because that would make Prince both the conceptual AND audio antithesis of croaky frog vocals, and I'd love to hear Prince sing backwards Immortal covers.